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Something to Laugh About

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven.Fidel must go to hell.So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema. I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked  [St. Peter is having lunch.] and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes, and we're already getting refugees."

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, (celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.

Anyway, one day this friend went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive and infect all the electronics in his house if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin return slot he got jabbed with an HIV infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under her arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and     scientists can never earn as much as business executives and     sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a     mathematical equation based on the following two postulates     Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.     Postulate 2: Time is Money.   As every engineer knows Power = Work / Time     Since Knowledge = Power     Time = Money     Knowledge = Work / Money.     Solving for Money, we get:     Money = Work / Knowledge.     Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,     regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less     you know, the more you make.

"HEAVEN IS HOTTER THAN HELL"

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C).

The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 2:18 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

Here's another analysis along the same lines: A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:  First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls  leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one   religion, we can project that all people and all  souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they  are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to  increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls to volume needs to stay constant.  So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the  rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

What I have learned as I mature   I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.  
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a--holes.  
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.  
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.  
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.  
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.  
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.  
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.  
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.  
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.  
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it.  Who knows, maybe something good will happen.  
If not...tough... er... cheese.

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