Something to Think About

SCHOOL MEMORIES: It wasn't until after the yearbooks for Elmwood Junior  High in Rogers, Ark, were distributed that school officials noticed  that in the photo for the school's "Who's Who" student group, one of  the boys had pulled down his zipper and exposed himself. "We don't have  someone whose job is taking a magnifying glass and going over 2,000  pictures in the yearbook," said assistant superintendent Charles  Russell in defense of officials not noticing the prank before  publication. On the other hand, he added, "If you didn't know what was  in the picture, you wouldn't have noticed it. It's not an obvious  thing." (AP) ...Now there's an enduring legacy for the kid to live up to.


My fourth-grade son had been waiting anxiously all year for the "Sex Ed" videos they show to the kids at school.  He had been teased a lot about what he was about to see in those videos by some of his fifth-grade friends.I wasn't sure when the videos would be shown, so I asked if he had seen them yet. "Yes, they showed them to us yesterday," he replied. I asked him what was in them. He said that it was "mostly naked people and how things grow and change."  But he added that he was very, very disappointed by the videos. "Why?" I asked. "Well," he replied, "they didn't even SHOW people having sex! They should have called it 'Nude Ed' instead!"

"ALL IT TAKES FOR EVIL TO TRIUMPH IS FOR GOOD MEN TO DO NOTHING": An  Oldsmar (Fla.) Elementary School fifth-grader was led away from school  in handcuffs "for his own safety". Why? "All I can tell you is it was a  threat," says principal David Schmitt. What was so threatening? The  unnamed boy had drawn pictures of "weapons" that "were confiscated by  the teacher," Schmitt said. And how did that endanger other students?  "The children were in no danger at all," he admits. "It involved no  real weapons." Still, the boy will "probably" not be allowed to return  to his school, Schmitt says. "We just need to get it through kids'  heads that there are certain things you don't say and there are certain  things you don't draw." (St. Petersburg Times) ...Better than getting  the Bill of Rights through kids' heads, eh?

ANOTHER DESPERATE CRIMINAL CAPTURED: National Merit Scholar Lindsay  Brown, 18, was arrested for having a weapon on the grounds of Estero  (Fla.) High School -- a felony. The weapon: a table knife, which school  officials spotted on the floor of her car in the parking lot. She had  moved over the weekend, and she says she didn't even know the knife had  fallen there until a sheriff's deputy showed it to her. Based on the  school's zero tolerance weapons policy, principal Fred Bode suspended  Brown for five days, meaning she had to miss her graduation ceremonies.  "They're taking away my memories," Brown said after posting bail to get  out of jail. State Attorney Joe D'Alessandro refused to press charges  against Brown, but by the time that decision was made the graduation  ceremony was over. "A weapon is a weapon is a weapon," said principal  Bode. "We did everything by the book." (AP) ...Maybe it's time school got some new books.

For many years, the globe on the NBC Nightly News spun in the wrong direction. On January 2, 1984, NBC finally set the worldspinning back in the proper direction


BY THE WAY...

Oh, a wise guy, eh? The head Stooge, Moe Howard, was born Moses Horwitz on this date in 1897. Did he ever appear in any movies without the other two of the Three Stooges?

Yes. Howard appeared in four feature films by himself, including "Doctor Death, Seeker of Souls."

Scientists are trying to come up with a way to extract useful chemicals from animal manure.

Working with an $800,000 grant from the Department of Energy, researchers at the DOE's Pacific Northwest National Laboratory in Richland, Wash., and Washington State University in Pullman hope the technology will mitigate environmental problems caused by the estimated 160 million tons of manure produced annually in the United States.

Manure is typically a messy mixture of carbohydrates, proteins, fiber, mineral matter, dirt and rocks, said Don Stevens, project manager at PNNL. By separating out and treating the carbohydrate and protein-based elements, researchers could make chemicals such as diols and glycols, which are used as ingredients in antifreeze and various types of plastics. The so-called biobased products from the manure could offset the need for environmentally harmful petroleum-based chemicals typically used to make, for example, soda bottles.

Some of the protein-based chemicals could also be made into animal feed.

A successful chemical-extracting technique could lessen the need to dispose of manure in open fields, which -- in addition to dirty water -- often brings bad smells and angry neighbors. If successful, the same process could be used onn waste products from corn and wheat milling, which are also sources of carbohydrates. Stevens said the process could generate money: manure costing a penny or two per pound can be converted into chemicals worth 20 or 30 cents per pound.

(Thanks to UPI Technology Writer Kelly Hearn in Washington)

ANIMAL STORY
The future of the New York City alligator -- which turned out to be a caiman -- is uncertain. But city officials promise that the reptile's future does not include shoees or handbags. The two-foot spectacled caiman -- dubbed "Damon the Caiman" -- was caught Thursday night by Mike and Tina Bailey as it swam in Harlem Meer, a one-acre lake aat the extreme northern end of Central Park in Manhattan. A caiman is a type of Central and South American crocodile and is similar to alligators. The 23-year-old Mike Bailey -- a Florida alligator wrestler who performs four shows a day at the Seminole Okalee Village in Hollywood, Fla. -- described tthe caiman capture as "easy." He said his wife, Tina, slipped her hand behind the critter's head and caught him without ropes or hooks as "humanely as possible." New York City Parks Department Commissioner Henry Stern lauded Bailey for his extensive knowledge of reptiles and his humane approach toward capturing it, although he admitted he had been doubtful about a "wildlife worker whose job included wrestling alligators at a tourist center." The caiman was first spotted a week ago by a little girl whose own father didn't believe her. But others then spotted the reptile swimming in the Central Park Lake, and later the toothy grin of the caiman was captured on videotape by a TV news crew. Stern said most likely a New Yorker had owned the caiman illegally and it probably outgrew the bathtub so it was deposited into the lake. Adult caimans can grow to about eight feet long and up to 300 pounds.

Reported two days later:

ANIMAL STORY The upstate New York dogcatcher who snared a four-foot alligator in Scajaquada Creek said Wednesday he wouldn't do it again. "I was scared when I got within two feet of it, there was a rat that went by me and he (the alligator) was coming right toward it," said Chuck Loubert Jr., a Buffalo Animal Control officer. "I got pulled under the water by the alligator when I snared it, the creek is just sludge and I was just sinking." The reptile was first spotted last Saturday along the banks of the creek. But after several futile attempts to nab it, animal control officials called off the operation Tuesday evening to give the stressed-out critter a rest. "Everybody was using motorboats, and people on the bridge were throwing rocks and spitting at my men," said Frank Poincelot, Buffalo's chief wildlife officer. "We had guys setting traps with chicken up and down the creek. Shame on everybody for doing this, it was disgusting." But later that night, Loubert answered a 911 call that the 'gator had been spotted under a series of highway bridges that run along the creek. The capture was caught on home video and it showed the alligator putting up quite a fight once its head was snared. The alligator is being held at an animal shelter -- awaiting a trip to a game farm in Florida -- because the Buffalo Zoo isn't equipped to handle reptiles such as an American alligator. Poincelot thinks someone probably kept the 'gator as a pet until it became unmanageable and dumped it into the creek, where it may have made its home for as long as a year.

NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION: Buck Weimer of Pueblo, Colo., has a new invention that has pushed forward underwear science. His wife has an intestinal problem that results in ...well... stinky farts ("I'm laying in bed with her, sort of suffering silently," after a big dinner, he says). So he adapted a gas mask filter and sewed it into underwear that keeps a tight seal around any openings. The result: pants that remove odors from any ...um... emissions. His $25 "Under-Ease" airtight underpants come in male and female versions, and Weimer even got a patent on them. Replacement filters are $5. Weimer notes that few people buy them in person -- virtually all his sales are made by mail order. (Denver Post) ...And no doubt they are virtually all purchased as gifts.

The following actual radio conversation was released by the U.S. Chief of Naval Operations:

A. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
B. Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
A. This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
B. No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
A. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
B. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

M&Ms Lawsuit An Ohio man is suing for half a million dollars because he got hurt when he unexpectedly got a plain M&M amongst his peanut M&Ms. He claims he bit his lip and cut right through the skin, requiring hospital care. He is suing both M&Ms and the Family Dollar Store in Cleveland where he bought the bag for failing to inspect the candy and then selling what he calls "defective and mislabeled" merchandise.

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