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Something to Think About

THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE


Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they
are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful
gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever
run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?
And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who
would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.



Bandits Break Into Prison, Rob Inmates
Updated 8:29 AM ET August 6, 1999
SAO PAULO (Reuters) - If the prisoners at the Tremembe jail needed an extra reminder that crime doesn't pay, they got it early Thursday when bandits ran off with their hard-earned savings.
Four men toting machine guns overpowered guards and busted into the low-security jail to steal money that prisoners were sending home for Father's Day Sunday, the director said.

"Bandits robbing convicts is just appalling," said director Carlos Corade. "There are no more values left among them."

Corade said the gang took a suitcase holding around 50,000 reais ($28,000) in cash the 416 prisoners had earned in jobs inside and outside the jail.

"Money is money ... there are not too many places to rob," said a police officer in Tremembe, a town of 33,000 located 100 miles (150 kilometers) north of Sao Paulo.



BIG GAMBLE: Eihab Nassar, 23, was recently hired as a"cash runner" atthe Hyatt Grand Victoria Casino in Rising Sun, Ind. Police say Nassar picked up $84,000 in cash from the gaming floor and was supposed to deliver it to a cashier, but instead he went down a back stairwell and took off in his car. A Ohio County sheriff's deputy stopped Nassar about a mile from the casino for speeding, but since the deputy didn't know about the theft, he gave Nassar a citation and let him go. He hasn't been seen since. (UPI) ...Training Note: define "runner" for new employees.

COUNTDOWN: The United Nations Population Fund declares that on October 12, there will be exactly six billion people on Earth. Or maybe sooner. Or later. "You can't say exactly when," admits PopFund spokeswoman Corrie Shanahan, but in order to get some press hoopla out of the milestone, they decided to choose a specific date. "It's not entirely arbitrary," Shanahan insists. It's based on worldwide census data, some of which is 10 years old, to which they added anticipated births and subtracted anticipated deaths, which should equal six billion sometime soon. (AP) ...Save a life, ruin a statistic.



THE BLACK BOX INVADES CARS
The infamous airplane black box is getting closer to home – and it could change everything from accident investigation to the insurance business. The Black Box, which is actually neon orange in colour, is a very rugged recording machine that logs flight data and communications in an airplane. If that plane crashes, investigators recover the black box and can trace what happened. Well, you may already have a Black Box in your car! General Motors has been quietly installing black boxes into 1999 Buick Century, Cadillac Eldorado, and other high-end cars. The data includes the car's speed, if seat belts were worn, and if the brakes were used prior to the crash. While everyone agrees it’s a great idea for finding out why a car crashed, privacy advocates are concerned a device that can remember everything might be used improperly. For instance, could someone else use your data to prove that you caused an accident? Time will tell.



ANTBOTS FIXING POWER PLANTS
Careful where you step – that piece of dirt you kick out of the way might just be a robot in the future. Japanese electronics companies have developed a micro-machine the size of an ant that can crawl around thin pipes, inspect and even fix problems at power plants. Even more interesting, the box-shaped robot has a pair of connectors on both sides that can be linked up with
other robots for more extensive assignments. The robots can crawl into the tiniest gaps around bundles of pipes – and are expected to speed up inspection and repairs at nuclear power plants because they can be sent in while the plants keep running.
Scientists are working to add new functions to them so the robots can climb up and down a pipe while connected to other machines. They also plan to develop robots with motors and problem-detecting sensors.


TODBIT: The practice of naming hurricanes began early this century when an Australian weather forecaster decided to insult politicians he didn't like by naming devastating tropical storms after them.


TODBIT: Each square inch of human skin consists of 19 million cells, sixty hairs, ninety oil glands, nineteen feet of blood vessels, 625 sweat glands, and 19,000 sensory cells.


TODBIT: Mel Blanc - the voice of Bugs Bunny was allergic to carrots. After a near-fatal auto accident in 1961, Blanc did his cartoon voices, including the first 65 episodes of "The Flintstones," flat on his back, with the microphone hanging over his bed.


TODBIT: This one you won't believe, but it's completely true. Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.


TODBIT: When sailors speak of sheets (as in "four sheets to the wind") they are not talking about sails. A sheet in nautical terminology is a rope or chain.


TODBIT: On the average, more animals are killed by motorists than by hunters with guns.


TODBIT: On the Chinese written language, the ideograph that stands for "trouble" represents two women under one roof.


This from a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan:


A guy buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and
land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole
drill. So, out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

(Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?)

Yes, the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving.
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.

One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.

----BOOM!---- Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments!!

................And you thought your day was not going well!!!

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Davidson and he's just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said........."A pumpkin! Damn.is it midnight already?"


I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As
an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide
pages, e.g. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at
the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with
the (I kid you not) following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

HUMOR

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Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 1998 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not
for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me
more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what
to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign
them to me and reinstate the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal
training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over
keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment
so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh
joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her
of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming
passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite
relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle
on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes
are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In
February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing
houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local
IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on
a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's
the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much
more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of
them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables,
inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure
to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10
going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears
tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny
Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset
the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is
expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask
the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level
of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty
understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I
don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her
roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her
ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos
that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a
truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her
room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I
am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to
cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on
an airplane.

Yours Truly,

Bob

WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

WHAT A MAN HEARS:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

A frog walked up to the loan officer's desk at the bank. "I'd like to borrow some money," said the frog. "You're talking to the right person. I'm Thurmond J. Paddywack, the loan officer. I'm sure we can help you out, but first I have to ask you a few questions." The loan officer pulled out a blank loan application. "First, of course, what's your name?"

The frog said, "My name is Kermit Jagger. That's two "g"s in 'Jagger.'" "Jagger, eh? You wouldn't be related to the singer, Mick Jagger, would you?" "He's my dad." "No kidding?" "Well, I don't see him much. He doesn't hang around much." "Pity. Back to the loan: Do you have anything to offer as collateral?" The frog rummaged around in his backpack and pulled out a tiny, pink ceramic elephant. "Will this do?" "What is it?", asked the loan officer.

"I'm not real sure. My father gave it to me, so it must be worth something. Look, the manager knows me, why don't you take this and go ask him?"

The loan officer took the pink elephant and went into the branch manager's office. "You're not going to believe this. There's a frog out there asking for a loan. His name is Kermit Jagger, and he offered this, whatever it is, as collateral."

The bank manager looked up at the loan officer, looked at thepink elephant, and then said,

"It's a knicknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."



VIRUS ALERT: "WORK"

If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or
simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.This has been circulating around our building for months and those who
have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their
social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an
e-mail to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of this ... I'm off
to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brainand your career will now be successfully destroyed. If you receive"work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag to yourwaste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and go downto the pub with two friends and order three beers.
After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no
longer be of any relevance to you and that Scooby Doo' was the greatestchildren's cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' Virus has corrupted yourlife. Go out and get some friends.



While a farmer was sitting on his porch one day a city slicker
pulled up in a new car, got into the trunk, and pulled out two shiny
new buckets and approached a farmer sitting on his porch.

"Say Mr. farmer" he said "I noticed as I drove by your field the other
day, some honeysuckle, I wondered if you would mind if I went
down there and got some honey?"

To this the farmer replied, "mister you cannot get honey
from honeysuckle but your welcome to try if you want to."

The city slicker proceeded to the field and came back with two
buckets of fresh honey.

The next day the man pulled up in the driveway again, got two new
buckets from the trunk of the car and walked up to the farmhouse again.

"Mr. farmer, I couldn't help but notice when I was down in your field some milk weed."

"Now look" says the farmer everyone knows you can't get milk from
a milkweed, but, your welcome to try it you want to.

The man comes back with two buckets running over with fresh milk.

Next day the man pulls into the driveway again, opens the trunk of
the car and pulls out two new buckets, he approaches the farmer
and says

"Sir I just couldn't help but notice when I was in your field
yesterday that there was some Pussy Willow..."

"Wait a minute." replied the farmer swiftly "I'll get my hat."



The Pastor said, "Today I've prepared a $10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver, and I've prepared a $50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give, and I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll take the collection at this time to see which one y'all vote for."



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to

the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B'mer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and
with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.




A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a
trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us, me, Paul and Martin.I dig the hole, Paul sticks in the tree and Martin here puts the dirt back." "Yea," piped up Martin. "Now just because Paul's sick, that don't meanwe can't work, does it?"



Many thanks to :

"This is True", by Randy Cassingham

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And "TOD MAFFIN'S FUTURE FILE" ( http://futurefile.com )
The Newsletter About The Future.

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