The Big Book of Bad Alterations Why would someone make this list? Because a lot of people make a lot of horrible items in Elanthia, and damn it, they should answer for it. Or, at the least, their creations should be put up on display for the amusement of others. If you or your item(s) are on this list, No, I will not remove the item, and No, I will not remove the Owner note. The Owner Note is so people will be able to reference the owner to see if such an atrocious object truly exists in the game, though I recommend to you, the readers, that you NEVER go up to a person and ask to see the item. I will only put items that actually exist on this list, the Owner note is just for those who want to watch for these items. I repeat, DO NOT BOTHER THE OWNERS! This list is compiled for a few other reasons, too. Hopefully, since these items are the subject of many private laughs, bringing these laughs into the public eye will let the owners of these items know that their items are jokes. This sounds bad, I know, but today people are just far too polite. People end up wearing ridiculous things because other people are too 'polite' to tell someone 'Hey, you look like an ass and we're laughing at you behind your back.' Well, I've got a pair of balls and I'm not afraid to tell you. It's for your own good, I promise. If you take anything away from this reading, I pray that it is this: Veniom Stitching, Death Runes and Ancient things really aren't that great, and really aren't impressing anyone. On to the snicker-fodder... Working Title: Wizricky's Boiling Wizard Shield Current Owner: Wizricky Grahamcracker Item Description:a stunning black shield depicting a legendary wizard triumphant over a boiling twisted mage Smart-Ass Comments: That poor mage, forever immortalized in a moment of failure on a really awful shield. Working Title: Wizricky's Stunning Legendary Wizard Trenchcoat Current Owner: Wizricky Grahamcracker Item Description: a stunning leather trenchcoat depicting a legendary wizard triumphant over a boiling twisted image Smart-Ass Comments: In the sequel to Boiling Wizard Shield, we see that the mage has boiled so much he is only visible as a vague, twisted image of some sort. The only thing Stunning about this trenchcoat is how tasteless it is. Working Title: Sylvan Appreciates Luukos' Eyes Current Owner: Shmerff De'Longshanks Item Description: a deep black tower shield emblazoned with the image of a sylvan sorcerer gazing into the shadowy eyes of Luukos Smart-Ass Comments: GAZE INTO THE EYES OF THE LORD OF DEATH, YON SYLVAN! Whoever designed this shield should be kicked squarely in the groin. Whoever made this shield deserves a sharp smack to the jaw. Working Title: Damned Spikey Halflings Current Owner: Unknown Item Description: a halfling-crafted vaalin-edged vultite shield with protruding razor-sharp veil iron spikes Smart-Ass Comments: Halflings are renowned for their exacting and readily discernable shield crafting styles. Halflings are also notorious for their affinity for veil iron spikes. When you put the two together, you've a meal people can only dream of tasting. Or the shield's just retarded, your pick. Working Title: Trust Me, Most Faendryl Are Not Braindead Current Owner: Unknown Item Description: an enruned Faendryl shield with the faint images of souls twisting and writhing in agony Smart-Ass Comments: It's the Faendryl Shield of Doooom! Gaze upon the artist's depiction of twisting, writhing souls, which are clearly agonized by being displayed on this laughable shield. Working Title: The Bankbook of Doooom Current Owner: Zodac Item Description: a soulstone-dusted leather bankbook embossed with iridescent glyphs Smart-Ass Comments: Honestly, this one isn't that bad, but .. it's a BANKBOOK. Must it look spooky with its soulstones and glyphs? Come on. Working Title: Part One of the Death and Blood Collection: Come Forth! Lo', The Bag of War (and Chaos) Current Owner: Sephtriroth Deathplauge Item Description: an ancient bag of deep black suede embroidered with blood red veniom runes of chaos and war Smart-Ass Comments: Suede is a material that holds runes of chaos and war admirably, especially deep black suede. Koar's Balls, this is a BAG OF WAR! Working Title: Part Two of the Death and Blood Collection: An Ancient Pack Leads the Way (to more Blood Red Runes) Current Owner: Sephtriroth Deathplauge Item Description: a deep black ancient elven pack embroidered with blood red runes in veniom thread Smart-Ass Comments: There's an entire subculture in Elanthia based on Veniom. Some people call them Sorcerers. This pack, I'm sure, would actually look fine, but why the hell do people have such a hard-on for Ancient looking things? Working Title: Part Three of the Death and Blood Collection: Cloak Brings Death, Film at Eleven Current Owner: Sephtriroth Deathplauge Item Description: a deep black elven cloak embroidered with blood red death runes in veniom thread Smart-Ass Comments: At least it isn't ancient. Where the Bag left off with Chaos and War runes, this cloak picks up with its Death runes. The complete Triad of Blood Red Runes carries a message of Deep Black Elven Ancient Blood Red Veniom Runes of Death, War and Chaos. Amazing. Appalling. Or, if I were Juspera, I'd mangle the two and make Appallzing. Working Title: Bunny Bag, Smoke-able Herbs Not Included Current Owner: Zephyrie Item Description: a sequined bunny-shaped bag with beaded eyes and floppy ears that fall over the front to form a flap Smart-Ass Comments: Heh heh.. Zephyrie was right when she told me she had an obnoxious alter. Good thing Zephyrie's not an empath, then she'd be breaking several laws in Tamzyr. Working Title: It's Not REALLY a Carrot, You Silly Bunny Current Owner: Zephyrie Item Description: a pointy orange carrot-shaped dagger Finer Details: You notice a few tiny gnaw marks on the dagger's bright orange handle. It looks like a rabbit might have gotten ahold of it and took it for a real carrot. Smart-Ass Comments: I wonder what sort of greens the bunny had been eating prior to chomping into this dagger. This is another alteration that's not really 'bad' but it is truly obnoxious. Working Title: Awful Kombat Current Owner: Cocette Item Description: a golden claidhmore with enameled cloisenne periwinkles inlaid in the hilt Smart-Ass Comments: Imagine what this thing looks like. The word 'Shudderific' comes to mind. Working Title: Elanthian West Coast, sucka! Current Owner: Pipershadow (if they still exist) Item Description: some baggy orange pants with the left leg pulled up and bunched just below the knee Smart-Ass Comments: Not really smart-assed, but I liked his Bamboo theme a lot better than the Gangsta theme. Working Title: Up Off Me, Fool! Current Owner: Briars Jeakers Item Description: a bright pink sorcerer's vest Finer Details: You see a bright pink sorcerer's vest with a striped pink collar. As you look more closely you see the words, "DO NOT TOUCH" embroidered in black lettering. Smart-Ass Comments: Now, no offense to Briars, because Briars is the man, but...imagine what this vest looks like, and you'll see why it's on this list. Working Title: A Sunny Death to You Current Owner: In a State of Transition Item Description: a deep black ancient elven cloak stitched with blood red death runes in glistening veniom thread and clasped at the neck by a polished black opal Phoen symbol Smart-Ass Comments: I have no idea what Phoen is, but I'll be damned if I let that stop me! The recurring elements of bad alterations are again evident in this shiece of pit, where we have a fetish for Ancient things stitched with Blood Red things, Death Runes and Veniom Thread. If you've got money to burn, buy this up and toss it down the well. I'll note you on the page as a Hero. Of course, I have to witness it, but isn't that a small price to pay for Heroism? Working Title: Lightning Heralds Conquering Empath Current Owner: Lazalye Flowering Item Description: a glossy white shield embossed with the image of an empath engaged in combat and surrounded by a storm of striking lightning and fallen foes Smart-Ass Comments: I don't know how to type the sound of me vomitting Long John Silvers' chicken planks and hush puppies onto a ceramic tiled floor, so just imagine that here. Working Title: Hair Club for Fearsome Dwarves Current Owner: Paragonimus Item Description: a hand-hammered sterling-plated shield embossed with a fearsome balding dwarven mage towering above a huddled mass of lesser mages Smart-Ass Comments: I guess the Lesser Mages are defined as the ones that were beaten (as per the shield's suggestion) by the balding dwarf mage. Notice how the DWARF is TOWERING above them? I have another impression of this shield. The dwarf is in a foul mood, since it's shedding season for dwarves, and the lesser mages are actually Lesser because they're significantly smaller than a Greater Mage, like Starsnuffer. The huddled posture they've taken isn't as submissive, beaten or fearful as it may seem. It's a Support Group. Working Title: Jingle All the Way Current Owner: Skyfawn Bearlove Item Description: a delicate gold multi-tiered bellychain adorned with golden cymbals and shimmering diamonds that dangle and tinkle with each movement Smart-Ass Comments: I think I used something like this as a bear alarm while camping, once. Given the sedentary life of most empath's, her belly-chain (and its many 'tiers') might actually surround a tent, which would make this the first useful belly-chain ever. Why cymbals on a belly chain? For that sexy jingling at SilverGate Inn, of course. It helps cover up the moaning. Working Title: Grandpa's Smoking Jacket Current Owner: In a State of Transition Item Description: a sinister black cloak with strange red marks that appear to be bloodstains at first but resolve into hideous runes that bespeak words of death and terrible agony Smart-Ass Comments: I don't even know where to start with this one. Never mind the poor word structure, how the hell does something like this get made? Just how sinister can a CLOAK get? Someone needs to fire the dry cleaner who worked on this cloak last, they didn't get all the stains out. Stains, I'll note, which are actually Bespeaking (!!) words of death and agony. Erm, excuse me... Death and TERRIBLE agony. Funny thing, at first glance, I thought those stains were a love letter, until I read the part of the cloak detailing the use of the small intestine to fashion a noose with which to hang someone by his testicles to produce TERRIBLE AGONY. I didn't read the DEATH part, since I was just walking by. This cloak is one for the history books, and one for the trash barrel. Describe the cloak in one word: Stupid. Describe the cloak in two words: Disturbingly Stupid. Working Title: Some Pussy's Bankbook Current Owner: Sayori Item Description: a darkly bloodstained leather bankbook embossed with the faint visage of a black cat Smart-Ass Comments: I think this is fake and she's pulling my leg, since we all know Sayori eats paint chips. If it IS real, then she needs to stop keeping her bankbook in her skirt pocket during certain times of the month. Mrowr. Working Title: That Poor Scarf! Current Owner: Ryever Drakkalon Item Description: a black silk scarf twisted into tortuous knots and woven with symbols of Luukos Smart-Ass Comments: Tortuous knots? What the hell? To help illustrate how silly this is, I will substitute a few words in the item's description: a black and purple penis twisted into tortuous knots and branded with symbols of Luukos The moral of this exercise: Do not do anything to your scarves that you would not do with your wang. Working Title: Sad State of the Land Current Owner: Ryever Drakkalon Item Description: some enruned Faendryl battle leathers emblazoned with a blood-red veniom Luukos symbol across the chest Smart-Ass Comments: Ryever manages to single-handedly embarrass every sorcerer, servant of Luukos, and Faendryl-blooded Dark Elf in all of Elanthia with this piece of armory. Hopeful, when things begin breaking again, this suit of leather will find its proper place - shredded beyond repair or in the darkest depths of a locker. Nevermind that the symbol of Luukos does not utilize blood-red veniom, or anything blood-red...effing moron. Working Title: Don't Trip Current Owner: Darkbeauti Blackevilheart Item Description: some black spidersilk thigh-high boots dusted with black diamond dust and a thin gold chain hanging around the ankle held by a delicate deathstone and black diamond clasp Smart-Ass Comments: Hey, these boots are dusted with dust. This is one of the more redundant works I've seen, definitely one of the ones I wish I had never seen. With any luck, she'll trip on that gold chain hanging around her ankles and break her jaw. When one considers her ridiculous name, her choice of similarly ridiculous footwear becomes more understandable. Not only did she manage to escape the Last Chance Inn, she managed to walk away from it in those boots! To the creator of those boots: suck on the distal end of a crossbow and do a somersault. Working Title: Chicken Huntin' Current Owner: Unknown Item Description: an ice blue spidersilk cloak Finer Details: An ice blue spidersilk cloak with a symbol of Lumnis on each shoulder. On the back you see a Lord and Lady Cleric hand in hand medatating over fallen comrades on a stark snow covered slope trimmed with golden leaves around the bottom and up the front. Smart-Ass Comments: Excluding the typos and the horrible first line, what the hell is with people wanting pictures of people on their cloaks? A Lord and Lady Cleric hand in hand. Wow. Stark, snow covered slope. Gold leaf trim. This thing would look awful. You wouldn't use it to blow your nose in public. This cloak is not even fit to line a bird cage. Psh, it'd probably scare the bird to death. "Awk! What the hell is that under me? Holy Christ! Nnnghh!" ... ploop, ploop (birdie poop) .. "Ahhhhh squawk! Cheep cheep! Cheep!" ... skritch, thunk... bird falls dead on the ugly cloak. This cloak is a bird murdering cloak. Working Title: So Ominous! So Stubbly! Current Owner: Ranyhyn Woodhelvennin Item Description: a deep crimson ceremonial tabard clasped with ominously distorted dark moonstone runes Smart-Ass Comments: This would be a fine tabard if not for the OMINOUS distortion of the runes. A real shame. Please, Ranyhyn, introduce this to the bottom of the well. More on page 2...unfortunately...