The Big Book of Bad Alterations This is, of course, the second page to the Big Book of Bad Alterations. Yes, I know it's not really a book, and especially so with just two pages. In retrospect, I should have named it the Handy Little Pamphlet of Bad Alterations ... but that time has passed, that ship has sailed and sunk. If you or your item(s) are on this list, No, I will not remove the item, and No, I will not remove the Owner note. The Owner Note is so people will be able to reference the owner to see if such an atrocious object truly exists in the game, though I recommend to you, the readers, that you NEVER go up to a person and ask to see the item. I will only put items that actually exist on this list, the Owner note is just for those who want to watch for these items. I repeat, DO NOT BOTHER THE OWNERS! This list will likely continue to mock mockeries, because they have a tendency to make mockable alterations. It's for your own good, I promise. If you take anything away from this reading, I pray that it is this: Veniom Stitching, Death Runes and Ancient things really aren't that great, and really aren't impressing anyone. On to the second page of terror.... Working Title: Don't Pet the Sweaty Things Current Owner: Lord Zhagen Stormhood Item Description: some midnight-black leathers with the image of a wizard hurling fire from his fingers while standing atop an exploding volcano Smart-Ass Comments: Wizard on an erupting volcano? I thought wizards were smarter than that. If an island full of primitive villagers can realize it's time to run before their Gods bleed molten rock to destroy them for their sins, surely an educated wizard knows not to stand on an erupting volcano! And why's he casting a fireball ... not hot enough already? That's just going to piss the volcano off! Working Title: It's Alive, It's ALIVE! Current Owner: Chavlette Item Description: a diamond-dusted spidersilk pouch upon which is embroidered a bolt of lightning streaking from the heavens with life-giving power Smart-Ass Comments: Little known fact: this pouch commemorates the animation of the Frankenstein Monster. Life-giving lightning from the heavens... this is where I sigh with the warm fuzzy feeling of OH MY GOD MAGGOTS ALL OVER ME HELP! Working Title: How the Hell Did I Get on This Cloak?! Current Owner: Sansil Item Description: a long stark white spidersilk cloak depicting an archmage in deep concentration Smart-Ass Comments: Here we can see an archmage contemplating how the hell he got onto a cloak, and why the hell it's so damn white. This cloak, while not horrible, manages to join the ranks of every other cloak with a picture on it. These remind me of cheap concert shirts for bad bands. Working Title: Not Fit to Blow Your Nose On When You Can't Find a Tissue Current Owner: Last seen with Recoil Item Description: a pair of soft forest green assassin's gloves threaded with veniom and stitched with ancient runes of Faendryl royalty Smart-Ass Comments: "Nae get dis kinda alter again!" was part of Recoil's excited sales pitch. Well, there's a reason this kind of thing won't be made anymore: they're really awful. Ancient Faendryl Assassins used to wear green (GREEN) gloves with Ancient Runes of Faendryl Royalty stitched onto them. There were no questions in a victim's mind as to who was killing him when he saw those gloves. "Oh, you're a Royal Faendryl Assassin! I didn't know you guys wore Green, though. How much did those gloves GACK! [cough cough, gurgle]..." Working Title: What Are the Chances of You Leaving Here with That Hat? Current Owner: Last seen with Breon Item Description: a bone-inset hat Finer Details: The low-brimmed hat is made of stiffened black leather. Held onto the crown with a braided leather band are small fang-like bones. One side of the brim has been bent permanently upwards. Smart-Ass Comments: Breon stole this hat from Crocodile Dundee. When Mick told me some "bloke" had stolen his hat, I chuckled. "Who would steal that awful hat?" I wondered. Mick was perplexed. I told Mick that he should be grateful, because the choppy sentence structure, lackluster description, and poor use of "Inset" made the hat a thing he was better off without. Mick sighed, and agreed. We got drunk and picked up a couple of "Shielas" and made a night of drinking Foster's beer out of their "yabbies." Working Title: Imagine Me Sighing Sadly Current Owner: Prospera Aedien Item Description: a fluffy pink shoulder bag with "I did it!" stitched on the side Smart-Ass Comments: Some people just do not understand the concept of Not Being Stupid. What'd you do? Fluffy pink? Why didn't you just get "Princess" on the bag, or "95% Angel"..? I have a few words I want to add to this purse: "with My Daddy!" Sure, it only becomes marginally more stupid, but at least no one would want it, then, and it might get burned. Working Title: Nut Sack of War, Nuts Sold Separately Current Owner: Changchuan Item Description: a dark nightmare mane pouch with Faendryl runes of war in black spidersilk down the seams Smart-Ass Comments: This is one of those items that players of Faendryl elves look at and mumble "It's this sort of thing that give Faendryl a bad name." That's my sentiment, too, of course. Here's a couple bonus comments: 1) Runes of War? These runes look very similar to Runes of Retardation. 2) If you MUST use Runes of War on something, make it an implement of war, like a sword or shield, or armor. Not a POUCH! Working Title: Old Lady Collection: Mmmm ...Cake Current Owner: Nanna Item Description: a delicate black and red garter Finer Details: The garter is crafted of lace and filmy womany stuff...big surprise there. Its colors are virginal, black with red frills, and little deathstones are worked charmingly into the mix. Adding to the appeal, tiny oblivion quartz shards create delicate blooms here and there around the circumference. In the garter's center, a small bow of red spidersilk has been fashioned, adding the icing to the cake! Smart-Ass Comments: I think what bugs me most is the sarcasm, with the "big surprise there." part. I also don't like how there's all sorts of junk on these. Quartz shards and spidersilk bows? There's no bow in existence that can make quartz shards on a garter look "appealing." Working Title: Old Lady Collection: Funhouse Mirror Mask Current Owner: Nanna Item Description: a ruby-studded mask that reflects the distorted visage of your face contorted in agony Smart-Ass Comments: This item is actually right. I'm pretty agonized to have to see people covering their faces with trash like that. Working Title: Old Lady Collection: Blootclot Necklace Current Owner: Nanna Item Description: a strand of prayer beads made of small pearls the color of warm blood etched with the symbol of Sheru Smart-Ass Comments: I hated these things when I first saw them hanging off Setzier's neck. I was glad when he outgrew it, honestly, because it not only didn't fit him well, it was very Dark-Dark-Evil-Death-Doooom. Nanna's buying things of this nature is simply par for the course, since "classy" people tend to be attracted to "classy" things. Design reportedly by former GM Sayzor, who distributed several sets of these with the opening of the Sheruvian Monastery. Doesn't make them any more attractive, though. Working Title: Old Lady Collection: I Cut Ya Face Off and ... Make a Sheath Wit' It Current Owner: Nanna Item Description: a sheath cunningly wrought from shrunken male heads Smart-Ass Comments: This was made by someone who didn't have a firm grasp on what a shrunken head is. The sheath is, of course, stupid, for two big reasons. First, what I just stated ... shrunken heads couldn't make much of a sheath, even if it's done in such a "cunning" manner. Second, how the hell do we know these shrunken heads are of men? This would be better as something like "a sheath composed of leathery faces" ... but it'd still be silly. Fear the face sheath. Working Title: Darkevil Staffdoom Current Owner: Moredin Item Description: a sinister black modwir staff with snakes running down the length and a crow perched atop with spread wings and glistening black ruby eyes Smart-Ass Comments: The staff is awfully sinister! It says so! Look at the snakes running down its length, and the crow perched atop it, with black ruby eyes that glisten! This guy, or whoever else made it, tried to put too much into one item and, as we should be seeing by now in the Big Book of Bad Alterations, cramming too much into one item just makes a lame item. Working Title: The Holiest of Soles Current Owner: Quiethorne (made by Lehjend) Item Description: some dark leather monk's boots Finer Details: The dark supple leather monk's boots are styled for flexibility and movement of a fighter. Thin tightly woven veniom-tipped laces weave in and out of slots along the sides in a criss-cross pattern, allowing the boots to be adjusted for the user. Artistically embroidered on the tongues of each boot, is the image of large maoral tree that shades a kneeling human cleric who's beseeching the gods for guidance and knowledge. Smart-Ass Comments: Well, these are clearly the boots a monk would wear. Note the veniom tips of the laces, which .. would cause the laces to float. That might be kind of cool, actually, but I imagine it'd look more silly than neat. A notable facet to this is that it does address the One Size Fits All nature of game mechanics in that the boots are adjustable. Such attention to worldly mechanics does not change the fact that there is a scene embroidered on the boots, though. These aren't boots, they're an ugly conversation piece one would buy while in another country, just to take home to point and chuckle, knowing deep down that there are people worse off, somewhere. Working Title: These Boots are Made for Sucking... Current Owner: Tarakan Item Description: some sanguine imploding boots speckled with glistening doomstone dust Smart-Ass Comments: ...and That's Just What They'll Do. First, the obvious: What the hell makes these Imploding boots rather than just another set of boots? Or are the boots collapsing in on themselves? Are they trying to hide within themselves to evade those tacky doomstone dust speckles? These boots are just silly, right down to the gratuitous use of Sanguine to make them spookier. Didn't these once belong to Darkevil Deathevil the Halfling Soulslayer? I can't remember... Working Title: Shimmerleatherphoenix Current Owner: Hesperos Item Description: a shimmering black leather cloak emblazoned with a glowing crimson image of a phoenix rising over vanquished hordes of spectral undead Smart-Ass Comments: How so many things went wrong with one cloak, we will never know. Leather doesn't shimmer, first. Something else ON leather would make it shimmer. The portrait quality of this is pretty horrid, too. The phoenix, in the end, is fine (and could be kinda cool since it's glowing), but the addition of the Vanquished Hordes of Spectral Undead really, really ruined this cloak. I'd advise ditching that last part, and the Shimmering quality of the leather. You might have a cool cloak, then. Working Title: The Spidersilk Jerkin of Doooom! Current Owner: Oover Worked Item Description: a fitted nightmarish black spidersilk jerkin stitched in black threads of frightning demons twisting around like lost souls Smart-Ass Comments: This jerkin is a CLASSIC! This is the jerkin that first made me want to compile bad alterations for public viewing. As such, I'm going to let this one stand on its own, defined solely by its own splendor. God bless this jerkin. Working Title: Lucos the Gay Blade Current Owner: Lucos Lacmeire Item Description: a shimmering golden rolaren falchion etched with ancient runic symbols of death and destruction that glow and pulsate with every beat of your heart Smart-Ass Comments: This is a really nice blade until "of death and destruction that glow and pulsate with every beat of your heart." Death runes (and Destruction) are very cliche and 'Look at how Eeeevil I am!' ... but look at the pulsating! That's the true feature to this blade... it resonates with EVERY heartbeat around! Originally, the runic symbols were for healing and such, and they'd test for irregular heart beats and murmurs with the sword. One day, though, Darkevil Deathevil the Halfling Soulslayer got a hold of it... Working Title: Blech Current Owner: Moondia Kingsllee Item Description: an emerald green off-the-shoulder gypsy blouse with a tiny couple silhouetted by the moon and looking into the future together embroidered on the breast Smart-Ass Comments: That tiny couple embroidered onto the blouse aren't really looking into the future ... they're looking into Moondia's cleavage. That's really the only problem with this, it falls into the sad category of Portrait Attire, which is, as we should know by now, a category full of suck. Working Title: Dew Ragga Current Owner: Vindartin Mashanana Item Description: a fitted soft ochre bandana of silk with an image stitched in veniom threads of an elf devouring a blackberry tart Smart-Ass Comments: This is just dumb. No offense, Vin, but think of what this looks like. You have the picture of an elf eat-attacking a blackberry tart on your effing head. Working Title: It's All in the Neck Current Owner: Vindartin Mashanana Item Description: a dark black kidskin vest with intricately laced ochre-silk seams leading up to a sinister-looking dark ochre collar Smart-Ass Comments: This will be brief. A collar isn't sinister, no matter how it's shaped, and even more so when it's ochre. I mean, it's made out of goat skin and silk. oOooooOooooo... Working Title: Plain Sucky Current Owner: Moredin Item Description: a sinister black modwir staff with snakes running down the length and a crow perched atop with spread wings and glistening black ruby eyes Smart-Ass Comments: This is an example of trying to put too much into one alteration. And... a special feature for the second part of the book! An entire outfit! Working Title: The Japanese Schoolgirl Current Owner: Yoiko Hidaka You see Yoiko Hidaka. She appears to be a Half-Elf. She appears to be very young and short. She has bright blue-grey eyes and rosy skin. She has long, ringleted blue-black hair worn in two ponytails. She has a dainty face and slender wrists. She has some soft flowing tendrils of hair held in place by two little red bows. She is in good shape. She is wearing a crystal amulet, some glossy black shoes, some knee-high white cotton stockings, a bright yellow star-shaped bookbag, a delightful tin lunchbox, a tiny school pouch clasped with a silver button, a grass-stained canvas satchel, and a charming grass-stained school uniform with a dainty white collar. Smart-Ass Comments: Some of this stuff is cute and would work well on its own. Problem is, as you may have guessed, the combination of all these objects, then the name of the character. This is cute and all, but totally inappropriate for the game. I don't even know how a lunchbox is in genre. Who the hell made that? And what the hell makes a pouch a "school" pouch? And! What's so charming about a grass-stained uniform? Seems kinda dirty to me. Cute hair, though. Feel free to review the horrors on page 1. More to come..unfortunately...