Eric's Laugh-O-Rama

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Jokes:

DISCLAIMER - some jokes may contain adult language and/or material

(Thank you to everyone who forwards me jokes. They make easy site content)

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

My girlfriend hates sex in the movies. She tried it once and the seat folded up.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

My blond girlfriend told me, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

POLISH AIR DISASTER

Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Born To Sell

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega- department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

Basic New Jersey Driving Tips

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

19. Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

20. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England.

Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to six enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs.

Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.

Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

But the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets -- I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought ---you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses."

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