THE OFFICE - SPEC SCRIPT
SET IN FIRST SEASON
BY JOHN FITTEN GOLDSMITH III & JUDD RUBIN
WRITERS GUILD REG. # I16441-00
FADE IN:
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- MORNING
VARIOUS EMPLOYEES MAKE THEIR WAY TO THEIR DESKS. JOAN THE
HOUSEKEEPER RUNS A VACUUM ACROSS THE FLOOR.
INT. DAVID TALKING HEAD
DAVID
Redundancies, yeah. I feel sorry
for Neil and his branch. Swindon.
But you trim the fat.
(SNAPS HIS FINGERS
ACROSS LIKE SCISSORS)
Yeah, its definitely them that's
being made redundant. Not us. I
have no fear. None.
(SHAKES HIS HEAD)
Slough's a tightly run ship with --
No fear. I have the opposite of
fear...
(STRUGGLES TO FIND
THE WORD)
Negative fear. Fact. Like in that
movie, Lord of the Rings, yeah. All
those people afraid of this flaming
eye. Not me. Some little dwarf's
like,
(IN HOBBIT VOICE)
"David, I'll go with you. Help you
with the ring."
(AS HIMSELF)
'Why bother?' 'You little dudes
stay here and pick your berries.'
Didn't see all of it. Three films
about blokes fighting over jewelry...
Sounds gay.
INT. BREAK ROOM -- MORNING
TIM STANDS AT THE TABLE, FLIPPING THROUGH A NEWSPAPER. GARETH
ENTERS, AND IGNORING TIM, PULLS THE PAPER OVER TO HIMSELF.
TIM
Gareth, what are you doing?
GARETH
What's it look like?
TIM
Can't you see I'm reading it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
GARETH
This isn't your paper. Its Wernham -
Hoggs'.
TIM
Right, and as much as I resent it,
I'm part of this company, so--
GARETH
Not as much as me.
TIM
Umm hmm.
GARETH
As team leader, I get first dibs.
DONNA ENTERS. GARETH CHANGES HIS TONE, PUSHING THE NEWSPAPER
BACK AT TIM.
GARETH (CONT'D)
But you can read it. With my
permission. Morning, Donna.
DONNA LOOKS BACK TO GARETH, BUT DOESN'T RESPOND. MOUSY SHEILA
ENTERS, STEPPING NEXT TO DONNA AT THE COFFEE MACHINE.
GARETH TURNS BACK TO TIM, SNATCHING THE CAR SECTION OF THE
NEWSPAPER OUT OF HIS HAND.
GARETH (CONT'D)
(TO TIM, BUT REALLY
FOR DONNA'S EARS)
I'm thinking about getting a new
ride.
KEITH
(WHO WE ONLY NOW
REALIZE IS PRESENT)
A new car?
GARETH TURNS TO BIG KEITH. THIS IS HIS CHANCE TO THROW HIS
WEIGHT AROUND. DROPPING THE CAR SECTION BACK DOWN ON THE
TABLE.
GARETH
Yeah, Keith. A Z-24.
KEITH
A Cavalier.
GARETH
No, a Z-24.
KEITH
Right, a Cavalier Z-24.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
GARETH
No, just a Z-24. What kind of car
have you got again?
KEITH
I don't have one. I take the bus.
GARETH
Exactly.
GARETH REACHES DOWN TO THE PAPER ON THE TABLE... BUT IT AND
TIM HAVE DISAPPEARED. HE TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO DONNA.
GARETH (CONT'D)
Can I get some of that sugar, Donna?
DONNA
It's right there.
DONNA AND SHEILA SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE. GARETH MOVES TO
GRAB THE SUGAR CONTAINER.
BEAT.
KEITH
So, are you going out tonight?
GARETH
Maybe. I could if I wanted.
CUT TO:
INT. GARETH TALKING HEAD
GARETH
People are always inviting me places.
Restaurants. Pubs. It is important
to unwind. A soldier --
(POINTS TO HIMSELF)
- needs rest. Relaxation. Being in
a foxhole all day long. With snipers
surrounding you. Very tense. If
you don't take time to relax, you
could kill someone...
(THINKING)
If you're lucky, the sniper.
INT. BREAK ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
KEITH
I rented a room tonight at Karaoke
Kavern.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
GARETH
Lame. Karaoke is played out.
LONG PAUSE.
KEITH
So, would you like to come?
GARETH
Sorry. Not my thing.
GARETH WALKS BACK OVER, ATTEMPTING TO START A CONVERSATION
WITH DONNA.
DONNA
(NOT IMPRESSED)
A Cavalier?
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- DAY
DAVID LEADS THE CAMERA OUT FROM HIS OFFICE TOWARD DAWN'S
DESK.
DAVID
I was thinking that today, right,
you could focus on 'David Brent:
Problem Solver.' Inspiring the
troops, as we go into battle.
DAVID STEPS UP TO DAWN, WHO IS GOING OVER SOME PAPERWORK.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Right there, Dawn. What's the word?
DAWN LOOKS LOST.
DAWN
Sorry?
DAVID
What emergencies are up? What crisis
needs the boss' touch?
DAWN
Umm, the warehouse wants to know
when they should rotate the stock.
DAVID LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA, AS IF TO SAY "HERE WE GO."
DAVID
The warehouse has a question, who do
they turn to?
(BOWS HIS HEAD, SMILING)
Advice. Well, today's the fifth.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
DAVID (CONT'D)
So they have to rotate the stock
definitely no later than the twelfth.
DAWN
Okay, do you want to talk to Glynn
in the warehouse or...?
DAVID
Nah. Just write a memo.
DAWN
Okay.
DAVID
Take this down. 'To all those
concerned, we have a new delivery
arriving on the 13th. So we've got
to rotate the current stock no later
than the twelfth. Your friend,
(ANOTHER TAKE TO THE
CAMERA, HUGE SMILE)
DB.'
DAWN SCRIBBLES ON A PAD AS DAVID SPEAKS. DAVID NOTICES
SOMETHING.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Whoops, typo. You spelled that wrong.
DAWN
What?
DAVID
Twelfth. It's not twel-f-th. Its
twelfth.
DAWN
I'm sorry.
DAVID
You know, twelve? One. Two.
DAWN
Yeah, but you spell it-
DAVID
Good try, but I have an image as the
manager, here. These things need to
be correct. Twelve. T-W-E-L-V-E.
DAWN
Okay. But 'twelfth' doesn't have a
'V', does it? I think its spelled T -
W - E - L --
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
DAWN LOOKS COMPLETELY LOST. DAVID'S HAS NO IDEA EITHER,
QUICKLY CHECKING THE CAMERA.
DAVID
Make it the fourteenth.
INT. DAVID TALKING HEAD
DAVID
When I'm doing a memo, email, I always
end with 'your friend.' This office
is filled not with employees... well,
they are my employees but... the
people here in the Slough branch are
friends who work together as my
employees. We play together. Cry
together. Not crying because of
work, but...
(ATTEMPTING TO GET
BACK ON TRACK)
I know that if they had a problem,
they could count on me, vis-a-vis,
the work or life arena, yeah. For a
while, we had a sign-up sheet, as a
laugh, a sign-up sheet which said I
needed a kidney.
(SMILING AT HIS OWN
WIT)
I believe it was eight people signed
up, and nine kidneys. Someone wanted
to give me two.
(DAVID LOOKS SMUG)
Of course, I couldn't just take a
kidney. Depends on the blood type.
(SUDDENLY SERIOUS)
We used to screen.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
GARETH COMES UP TO HIS DESK, AND DISCOVERS THAT TIM HAS SPREAD
THE NEWSPAPER ALL ACROSS THE FLOOR -- LIKE FOR A DOG THAT
ISN'T HOUSEBROKEN.
INT. BREAK ROOM -- DAY
KEITH AND DONNA HUDDLE NEXT TO EACH OTHER AT THE TABLE.
KEITH
Karoake Kavern is across from Brunel
Bus Station. Where New York, New
York was.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
DONNA
Cool. What time?
KEITH
Seven o'clock.
DONNA
Sounds fun.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
GARETH HOLDS THE RECEIVER OF HIS PHONE TO HIS EAR.
GARETH
(INTO THE PHONE)
Hello, you've reached the desk of
Gareth Keenan,
(LOUDER, SO TIM HEARS)
Assistant regional manager. Today
is the fifth and I will be in the
office-
TIM
You're always in the office.
GARETH
(INTO THE PHONE)
-in the office until six o'clock.
TIM
When I'll be digging my bomb shelter.
GARETH
(INTO THE PHONE)
If you get this message-
TIM
You're a bummer.
GARETH
(ANGRY)
Tim! Very mature.
TIM
Gareth, you're always in the office.
You don't need to change it everyday.
GARETH
You never know what's going to happen.
I could get called away.
TIM
(LAUGHING)
Right, your mom might be stuck in
the tub again.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
GARETH
I could be called from the Army.
Called to duty.
TIM
If you could get called away, then
why are you saying on your message
that you'll be in the office all
day?
GARETH
If something comes up, I'll change
it.
TIM
If you're going to change it anyway,
you don't need to record a special
message every day. Think about it.
GARETH
You're telling me to 'think about
it'. Have you ever thought that my
mum doesn't have a lot of upper body
strength... and its a deep tub.
TIM IS TOO PUZZLED TO RESPOND. SEEING THE CAMERAS, DAVID
HAS BOLTED OUT OF HIS OFFICE.
DAVID
Am I interrupting something? Kinky!
DAVID LAUGHS. NEITHER TIM NOR GARETH RESPOND.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Hard at work. Hard at work. Don't
let me get in the way.
GARETH RETURNS TO HIS PHONE MESSAGE, WHILE TIM STARTS TYPING.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Did you guys see that 'Man vs. Beast'
on the tele last night?
DAVID STARTS BOUNCING A TENNIS BALL AGAINST THE WALL.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Little midgets against that elephant.
Oompa-loompa!
NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION, SO DAVID CONTINUES FOR THE CAMERA.
DAVID (CONT'D)
People say midgets can't be part of
society. Excluded. But they pulled
that plane farther than an elephant.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
DAVID LETS THIS STATEMENT LIE THERE, AS IF IT IS THE MOST
BRILLIANT THING EVER SAID. NEITHER TIM NOR GARETH SEEM TO
BE PAYING ATTENTION.
GARETH IS FIDGETING WITH HIS PHONE.
DAVID (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
GARETH
I just left my outgoing message for
the day, and now its gone.
THIS BORES DAVID WHO MOVES TO TIM'S SIDE, BUT TIM'S PHONE
RINGS, AND HE PICKS IT UP. DAVID IS LEFT IN LIMBO.
TIM
(INTO THE PHONE)
This is Tim... Oh hi, Jeff. How are
you?... Really?
DAVID
(TO THE CAMERA)
Personal interaction with the
customer. First name basis. The
personal touch.
TIM
(INTO THE PHONE)
So how's your sister?
DAVID
(TO THE CAMERA)
Caring. Supportive.
TIM
(INTO THE PHONE)
That's awesome.... Wow.
DAVID
(TO THE CAMERA)
That's it. That's how we do it here.
That's why we're a top five branch.
TIM
(INTO THE PHONE)
Just at work... I can't, I have to
work until five.
GARETH SEARCHES HIS DESK AND PULLS OUT A TINY PHONE MANUAL.
TIM (CONT'D)
(STILL ON THE PHONE)
Well, I'm not exactly an expert on
this sort of thing. Don't know what
kind of advice I can give you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
DAVID
(BUTTING IN ON TIM'S
CALL)
What sort of thing?
TIM
Sorry, I'm on the phone.
DAVID
If a customer needs advice, I can be
of help as well.
TIM
It's not a customer.
DAVID
Right, right.
DAVID TURNS TO LEAVE, WHEN HE OVERHEARS:
GARETH
(INTO HIS PHONE)
You've reached Gareth Keenan,
assistant regional manager --
DAVID
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
GARETH
(TO DAVID)
That's what I said.
DAVID LEANS OVER, PUNCHES A BUTTON ON GARETH'S PHONE.
ELECTRONIC PHONE MESSAGE VOICE
Your outgoing message has been
deleted.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID TALKING HEAD
DAVID
It's not just dollars and cents.
Well it is dollars, but also a sense
of friendship and ongoing
relationships with our customers.
What's paper? A device for
communication. Without paper, there
would be no literature. No
Shakespeare. No...
(SEARCHING, HE PICKS
UP A NAPKIN OFF HIS
DESK)
Napkins.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
DAVID TURNS TO TIM, WHO HAS HUNG UP HIS PHONE.
DAVID
So, what kind of advice?
TIM
Excuse me?
DAVID
Problems at home?
TIM
It was nothing.
DAVID
Come on. You can tell me. I don't
mind. That's why I'm here. To advise
people that work for me. Like you.
TIM
Well --
DAVID
Try me.
TIM
What?
DAVID
What's the problem? I'll fix it.
TIM
There isn't a problem. It was just
a friend. His brother's almost
finished with school.
DAVID
Deciding where to go to university?
TIM
He's graduating.
DAVID
Higher learning. Magna Cum Lada,
yeah? So, your friend called you,
the working man.
TIM
Yeah, he just wanted some advice.
DAVID
Oh God. The calls.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
DAVID (CONT'D)
"Help me, I need advice", "What do I
do now?" Don't you hate it.
TIM
No, I like to help --
DAVID
Me too. Yeah. Other people, that's
what its all about.
TIM
(AFTER A BEAT)
You must get a ton of people calling --
DAVID
Tons. You're the lucky one with
just one person. I envy you. Just
the other day, I had this great guy:
a friend of mine. Lawyer. He leaves
me this message, and he's going
"David, you're successful, smart,
funny. You know right from wrong."
He's having trouble on a case.
TIM
He called you?
DAVID
Yeah. His client. This black kid.
Down on his luck, shoots his mom.
Drug addict. The kid. Well, he
didn't say 'drug addict' but you
know...
(DAVID AS PHILOSPHER)
I mean, not all black kids do drugs.
They're expensive. Anyway, he's
having trouble on this case. Wanted
to speak to me.
TIM
What'd you tell him?
DAVID
Nothing yet. I was going to call
him back, but I had a pub crawl with
Finchy, so...
TIM
Good thing he didn't need your help.
DAVID
Oh no, no, no. He did. He did.
(PULLING TIM UP FROM
HIS CHAIR)
Come here.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
DAVID (CONT'D)
I'll play it for you... though I
shouldn't.
(LOOKING INTO THE
CAMERA LENS)
Attorney client privilege.
INT. DAVID'S OFFICE -- MOMENTS LATER
TIM WATCHES DAVID PUNCH BUTTONS ON HIS PHONE CONSOLE.
TIM
David, maybe I should get back to--
DAVID
Yeah. Yeah. But I want you to hear
this. The lawyer. This is great.
DAVID TURNS THE PHONE TO "SPEAKER PHONE" MODE.
ELECTRONIC PHONE MESSAGE VOICE
Please enter you mailbox number...
Please enter your security code...
Greeting is 'on'. You have 'no' new
messages. To record and send a
message, press 'six'.
DAVID
That's not good.
TIM
(TRYING TO LEAVE)
It's no big deal.
DAVID
No. Listen, I bet-
(CALLING)
Gareth!
GARETH ENTERS IMMEDIATELY.
GARETH
What's going on?
DAVID
You were messing around with the
phones earlier. If you have a
message, and then its gone. Is there
a way to retrieve-
TIM
So you erased it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
DAVID
(DEFENSIVE)
Well, it got erased. I didn't erase
it, it was an important message.
The phone system must have dropped
it.
GARETH
My phone kept dropping my recording.
TIM
But you were recording an outgoing
message?
GARETH
They're all connected.
DAVID
He's right. If I'm having trouble,
other people must be having trouble.
Its a sign, like the canary in the
coal mine.
DAVID STEPS OUT OF HIS OFFICE, THE CAMERA CREW FOLLOWS.
DAVID (CONT'D)
(LOUD FOR THE ROOM)
Emergency meeting in the conference
room.
INT. MEETING ROOM -- DAY
DAVID HAS ASSEMBLED THE TROOPS. GARETH STANDS NEXT TO HIM,
WITH HIS SERIOUS 'TEAM LEADER' FACE ON.
FEMALE EMPLOYEE
Is this going to be long? I need to
call a customer.
DAVID
(INDIGNANT)
This is about our customers. As
many of you know, our phone system
is down.
MALCOLM
What's wrong with the phone system?
DAVID
That's the spirit, Malcolm. But in
my capacity, I can no longer ignore
the phone situation. When messages
start deleting themselves, they're
gone.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
DAVID (CONT'D)
We're on the edge here, of a loss of
communication, right? I want to
contain this, before it gets out of
hand. Remember the AIDS virus?
Freddy Mercury. Arthur Ashe.
(TRYING TO REMEMBER
OTHER AIDS VICTIMS)
Bill Cosby.
DAWN
Bill Cosby doesn't have AIDS.
DAVID
Who are we to judge? So: the phones.
How do we prevent messages from being
deleted?
NO RESPONSE.
DAVID (CONT'D)
By not having any voice messages.
Starting immediately, we will remove
voice mail from all phone lines.
MALCOLM
David, what if we're not at our desks?
Without voice mail, the phones would
just ring and ring. Isn't that
annoying to the customer?
DAVID
If you'd let me finish, I was going
to explain that 'yes', for the
customer's benefit, going the 'extra
mile', if we can't pick up the phone
after 5 rings, Dawn will.
DAWN
Excuse me?
DAVID
As a woman in the workplace... you
need to take this opportunity to
accept more responsibility. No glass
ceilings here. In this office.
What do I always say about that,
Gareth?
GARETH
Women are good for two things: sucking
and --
DAVID
(CUTTING GARETH OFF)
Breaking the glass ceiling.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
DONNA
What happens when Dawn's on the phone?
DAVID
She'll put them on hold.
MALCOLM
Isn't that annoying to the customers
if they're constantly being put on
hold?
DAVID
They'll understand.
MALE EMPLOYEE
If I'm away from my desk, why make
it ring five times before Dawn
answers?
DAVID
Thank you. Interrupting. If you're
out of the office-
GARETH
What about me?
DAVID
Gareth, you never leave the office.
GARETH
I might need to.
TIM
It is a deep tub.
DAVID
Look, if anyone is out of the office,
Dawn will know to pick up their phone
before the third ring.
GARETH
What if Dawn's in the bathroom?
DAVID
Good point. No one can leave their
desk, if Dawn is in the bathroom.
(JOKING)
No more pints, Dawn. Goes right
through you.
DAWN
David, I can't go-
DAVID
We're not here to discuss your breaks.
This is about our customers. And
everyone else.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
DAWN
I really don't-
DAVID
Okay, that's all. Let's sell some
paper and not miss any more phone
calls.
AS PEOPLE GATHER THEIR THINGS TO GO...
KEITH
(TO THE ROOM)
So everybody likes karaoke. I rented
a room tonight at the Karaoke Kavern.
AWKWARD SILENCE.
THE PHONE RINGS TO BREAK THE AWKWARD SILENCE. DAWN ANSWERS.
DAWN
Wernham Hogg... David, its Chris
German from Telenet.
DAVID
Oof, tell him I'm in a meeting.
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- DAY
TIM AND DAWN ARE FLIRTING AT THE RECEPTION DESK.
TIM
Told Keith, I couldn't go cause my
dad's in the hospital.
DAWN
Okay, I can't use that one.
TIM
Just tell him that Lee is busy
tonight.
DAWN
Well Lee is, but I'm not. He's going
bowling with his friends.
TIM
Oh. Well. Karaoke could be fun.
DAWN
Yeah. I went to a wedding, and the
entire reception was karaoke. You've
never seen so many people singing
"O.P.P.".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18.
TIM
Well... if its fun... we should go.
You'll have to come. I can't do it
alone.
DAWN
Sure you could. You have a nice
singing voice.
TIM
You think-
GARETH WALKS OVER, HEARING THE CONVERSATION AND WANTING TO
BUTT IN.
GARETH
You singing. That'd be a laugh.
(SINGING)
"Who Let the Dogs Out?"
GARETH LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE. NEITHER TIM NOR DAWN FIND IT
FUNNY. THE PHONE RINGS.
DAWN
(INTO THE PHONE)
Wernham Hogg?
INT. ACCOUNT'S DEPARTMENT -- DAY
MALCOLM AND KEITH ARE GOING OVER SPREAD SHEETS.
KEITH
It was part of first quarter.
MALCOLM
Yeah, but in accrual. The numbers
are short by--
FROM NOWHERE, DAVID STEPS INTO THE SHOT, ALL SMILES.
DAVID
(SINGING TO THE BATMAN
THEME SONG)
Tax Man. Tax Man. Tax Man.
(STOPPING, SERIOUS)
Sorry about tonight, Keith. I wish
I could come, but...
KEITH
Yeah.
DAVID
Right.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
DAVID PICKS UP THE SHEETS THAT MALCOLM AND KEITH ARE GOING
OVER.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Eww. Cracking down, huh? You want
my advice, I'd run these numbers by
head office.
MALCOLM
They came from head office.
DAVID
Right.
(GESTURING AT A SHEET)
You have here... 'fee'?
MALCOLM
Fiscal year.
DAVID
Yeah, fiscal year. Fis-sick-cal.
Staying active.
ABSENTMINDED DAVID WALKS AWAY WITH THE SPREADSHEETS IN HIS
HANDS. MALCOLM AND KEITH WATCH HIM LEAVE, THEN TURN TO EACH
OTHER: NOTHING TO DO.
ROUNDING A CORNER, DAVID WALKS BACK, TOSSING THE PAPERS BACK
DOWN IN FRONT OF THEM.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Might need these.
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- DAY
THE PHONE IS RINGING OFF THE HOOK. DAVID WALKS UP WITH A
PACKAGE ENVELOPE IN HIS HANDS. AS HE REACHES THE RECEPTION
DESK, DAVID REACHES ACROSS DAWN'S BODY TO GRAB A PEN FROM
THE DESK.
DAVID
Dawn, what's our account number?
DAWN
(REALIZING THAT DAVID
ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE,
INTO THE PHONE)
Please hold.
(TO DAVID)
Its in the book.
DAVID
The book, right. The book is...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
DAWN
I'm with a customer.
DAVID
Of course.
(WHISPERING)
Is it Chris Gehrman?
DAWN
(INTO THE PHONE)
He's not here, but I can tell him
you called... alright, bye.
DAWN GRABS A BOOK AND HANDS IT TO DAVID. DAVID FUMBLES
THROUGH THE BOOK, NOT SURE WHERE TO LOOK.
DAVID
Dawn, I need to get this out.
DAWN HANGS UP THE PHONE. AGAIN.
DAWN
David, you told me to answer the
phones after two rings. I can't do
that if I'm --
DAVID SHUSHES HER CONDESCENDINGLY.
DAVID
You're stressed. Having trouble
with Lee, right?
DAWN
No.
DAVID SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY.
DAVID
The things he must make you do.
DAWN REACTS.
THE PHONE RINGS. AGAIN.
DAWN
(INTO THE PHONE)
Hello Wernham Hogg... Let me transfer
you.
DAWN PLACES THE RECEIVER BACK DOWN.
DAVID
You were quick to pick up.
DAWN
I thought it had to be after two
rings.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
DAVID
Who said 'two rings'?
DAWN
You did.
DAVID
It's not after two rings. Two rings?
What am I... a Nazi?
(IN A BAD GERMAN ACCENT)
Two rings? Nein! Nine rings, no
two rings!
DAWN REACTS, SOMEWHAT RELIEVED.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Its really like two and a half rings.
But still before the third ring.
Its like at two point five rings.
So relax, Dawn. Its casual Friday,
right? What do we say around here.
TGICF. Thank God Its CASUAL Friday.
You've got to chill out.
GARETH WALKS OVER AND PICKS UP A MAGAZINE FROM DAWN'S DESK.
GARETH
This is probably what's distracting
her.
DAWN
No it isn't.
GARETH
Then why are you having trouble with
the phones? You can't concentrate
reading about J-Lo.
DAVID GRABS THE MAGAZINE FROM GARETH, INSPECTING THE PHOTO
OF JENNIFER LOPEZ.
DAVID
Oh yeah. J-Lo. What'd you like her
best in? U-Turn? Enough?
GARETH
U-Turn.
DAVID
Hell, yeah.
GARETH
Desperado.
DAVID
No, that was the other one. Salma.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
THE PHONE STARTS RINGING LIKE CRAZY.
SEEING KEITH WALKING TOWARD THE RECEPTION DESK, DAVID AND
GARETH FIND A REASON TO WALK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
DAVID HAS HIS HAND ON THE SHOULDER OF A WORKER.
DAVID
...so my advice, go back, finish
school, and then you won't have to
keep sweeping floors.
THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THAT DAVID IS TALKING TO
JOAN THE HOUSEKEEPER.
JOAN
I finished school!
DAVID IS CAUGHT.
DAVID
Right. Well... excellent.
DAVID MAKES HIS EXIT, LEAVING JOAN SPEECHLESS.
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- DAY
GARETH IS SEATED AT THE DESK. DONNA AND DAWN WALK PAST.
DAWN
Thanks for covering for me.
GARETH
(ATTEMPTING TO BE
SUAVE FOR DONNA)
No problem. In the army, I was in
charge-
DONNA
I know.
DAWN FOLLOWS DONNA OUT OF THE OFFICE. THE PHONE RINGS.
GARETH
Wernham Hogg. Gareth Keenan,
assistant regional manager speaking.
How can I help you with your... help
you?
(BEAT)
Hello?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
HE PLACES THE PHONE DOWN. AS SOON AS HE DOES, THE PHONE
RINGS AGAIN.
GARETH (CONT'D)
Wernham Hogg. Gareth Keenan,
assistant regional manager speaking.
What can I do for you?... No, you're
a cock. You're a cock! Hello?
AT TIM'S DESK, TIM AND RICKY THE TEMP ARE CRACKING UP.
CUT TO:
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
DAVID SITS NEXT TO A MALE EMPLOYEE.
DAVID
I want you to know, if you ever need
help with anything, you can ask me.
SILENCE. THE EMPLOYEE HAS NOTHING TO SAY. DAVID STANDS AND
PATS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Keep up the good work.
CUT TO:
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- LATER
AT THE RECEPTION DESK, GARETH IS BACK ON ANOTHER CALL.
GARETH
Wernham Hogg.
DONNA WALKS IN FROM THE HALLWAY.
GARETH (CONT'D)
(INTO THE PHONE)
Yes, Donna is right here.
(TO DONNA)
Line 2 is for you.
DONNA
Thanks.
GARETH
Have you seen Dawn?
DONNA SHAKES HER HEAD, AND WALKS BACK TO HER DESK. GARETH
WATCHES HER LEAVE. AT HER DESK, DONNA PICKS UP PHONE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
CONFIDENT SHE CAN'T SEE HIM, GARETH PUNCHES INTO DONNA'S
LINE, LISTENING IN ON DONNA'S CONVERSATION.
DONNA
(INTO HER PHONE)
But you love karaoke.
GIRL (V.O.)
Okay, what time again?
DONNA
(INTO HER PHONE)
I think seven. I'll probably leave
straight from here.
GIRL (V.O.)
I'll see you there.
DONNA
Bye.
GARETH PLACES THE PHONE DOWN.
CUT TO:
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- MOMENTS LATER
GARETH LISTENS TO ANOTHER OF DONNA'S CALLS.
DONNA
(INTO THE PHONE)
Lisa, come on... it's karaoke-
MORE LINES START TO RING. GARETH STARTS TO QUIET THEM BY
BLINDLY PUSHING BUTTONS.
GARETH
(INTO THE PHONE)
Wernham Hogg, hold... Wernham Hogg,
hold.
THE RINGING BEGINS TO SWELL. DOUBLING IN NUMBER AND VOLUME.
GARETH JUST GRABS LINES AND TURNS THEM OFF.
GARETH PUSHES MORE BUTTONS.
SUDDENLY ALL THE RINGING STOPS. A LOUD BUZZ EMERGES FROM
THE PHONE.
AN EMPLOYEE STICKS HIS HEAD UP FROM A CUBICLE.
EMPLOYEE
What just happened to the phones?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
EXT. SMOKER'S AREA -- DAY
DAWN, JOAN, SHEILA AND OTHER GIRLS FROM THE OFFICE ARE OUTSIDE
SMOKING. TIM STEPS OUT, HANDS IN HIS POCKETS.
TIM
Hey, guys. I'm thinking: why not?
Karaoke. We could go. All of us.
What'd ya think?
THE GROUP SHRUGS, UNTIL--
JOAN
Could be fun.
TIM
Right. Should be. Dawn?
DAWN
I dunno-
TIM
Yeah, you're probably right.
JOAN
We could sing "Girls Just Want to
Have Fun."
DAWN
Maybe.
TIM IS LOST, TRYING TO READ DAWN'S REACTION.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
RICKY THE TEMP SITS AT HIS DESK FILLING OUT FORMS. DAVID
WALKS UP TO HIM.
DAVID
Ordering more inventory for the
warehouse?
RICKY
Right. Glynn down in the warehouse
told me to order 3 tons of three-
hole glossy laser.
DAVID
Glynn, good man. Been here 7 years.
I've been here 8. So forget, Glynn:
What do you think?
RICKY
I don't know, man. I've never had
to--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26.
DAVID
Ricky, my advice for a young man
like yourself: Follow your heart.
RICKY
It's just inventory.
DAVID
Wrong attitude.
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID TALKING HEAD
DAVID
The chain of command stops here,
right.
(POINTING TO HIMSELF)
When I say jump, they say: "how high?"
I don't answer. They say, "Tell us
when to stop jumping... We haven't
heard anything from you... so we'll
keep jumping... Hey, we've been
jumping a while, and you know what:
we're jumping higher than when we
started. Thank you."
DAVID LOOKS SMUG.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
DAVID IS CROSSING OUT THINGS ON THE SHEETS AND WRITING IN
NEW FIGURES.
RICKY
So I'll order 7 tons, rather than 3
tons?
DAVID PROUDLY NODS.
DAVID
You know, you remind me of a young
me. Well, a younger me. 30s.
RICKY
Err... thanks.
DAVID
So... you a virgin?
AWKWARD PAUSE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27.
RICKY
No.
DAVID
Me neither. Not at your age. More
importantly, how do you like it here?
You probably always wanted to work
in paper, right?
RICKY
No. Its great, but I'm trying to be
a journalist, like my dad. That's
why I went to University. My dad
died when I was young.
DAVID
Yeah?
RICKY
Yeah, he worked for the BBC. Covering
the war in Sudan. Some rebels mistook
his helicopter and... well, he died.
PAUSE. DAVID PLACES A THOUGHTFUL HAND ON RICKY'S SHOULDER.
DAVID
Well... back to work.
STUNNED RICKY CAN DO NOTHING BUT WATCH DAVID WALK AWAY FROM HIS DESK.
THEN, HE LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA. DUMBFOUNDED.
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- DAY
KEITH WALKS UP TO GARETH, WHO LOST IN THE PHONES.
KEITH
Did the delivery man come?
GARETH
Can't you see I'm trying to fix the
phones?
KEITH
I'm expecting a package from Amazon.
GARETH
More Seven-of-Nine mousepads?
KEITH
Don't watch Voyager. I will, but I
prefer Deep Space Nine.
GARETH
Great, now piss off. Warp speed.
I've got to get the phones back up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28.
DEJECTED, KEITH STARTS TO SULK AWAY.
GARETH (CONT'D)
(SUDDENLY NICE)
Hey Keith, what time is karaoke
tonight?
KEITH
Seven.
GARETH
Okay. I'll invite some buds from
the Army.
KEITH
Territorial.
GARETH
(ANNOYED)
Territorial Army.
KEITH
Yeah, call them up.
GARETH
(QUICKLY ANGRY AGAIN)
What's that suppose to mean? You
don't think I can get the phones
back up?
KEITH
No. I mean Yes.
GARETH
(BACK TO NICE)
You've gotten a good room?
KEITH
I think so.
GARETH
If you're inviting people out, you
should get a nice, big room. Not
the one for old Asian couples.
INT. DAVID'S OFFICE -- DAY
A CELL PHONE ON THE DESK RINGS, AND DAVID ANSWERS.
DAVID
Officer, she told me she was
eighteen.... Oh, hello Jennifer - He-
he. Cell phone humor.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29.
DAVID (CONT'D)
(TO THE CAMERA)
Jennifer Taylor Clark. The boss.
(BACK TO THE PHONE)
So what can I do for you... Chris
German says he's been trying to
contact me?
(STEPPING TO HIS
WINDOW, OPENING IT
UP)
And if he did, I didn't know about
it...
(HE TURNS ON A SMALL
RADIO)
What?... Jenny, can't hear you...
yeah its my cell phone, call me on
the office line...
(HOLDING THE CELL
PHONE OUT AWAY FROM
HIS EAR)
Office line not working? No... I'm
sure the office line works... talk
to you in a sec.
DAVID HANGS UP THE PHONE, SMILES AT HIS LITTLE JOKE. THEN
SERIOUS.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Bureaucracy is a killer. Lenin said
that.
INT. RECEPTION DESK -- DAY
DAWN STANDS OVER GARETH, WHO IS UNDER THE DESK PULLING
DIFFERENT WIRES.
DAWN
Problem?
GARETH
No.
GARETH STANDS UP. HE'S IN HIS UNDERSHIRT.
DAWN
Did you crash the phones?
GARETH
Yeah, I crashed the phones. Not. I
was fixing them.
DAWN
So what happened?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30.
GARETH
I don't know. Whatever you did to
the phones, you should undo.
DAWN PUSHES GARETH OUT OF THE WAY, THEN PICKS UP THE PHONE.
WITH JUST A FEW SHORT STEPS, FIXES THE PHONES.
A RING.
DAWN
(IGNORING HIM, INTO
THE PHONE)
Wernham Hogg.
GARETH
So you're good then?
DAVID APPEARS AND JOINS THE GROUP BEHIND THE RECEPTION DESK.
DAWN
(INTO THE PHONE)
Let me transfer you.
DAVID
Are the phones up and working again,
Dawn?
DAWN
Yes. We shouldn't have any more
problems.
DAVID
Great. It was rough at the beginning.
Always to be expected, but it worked
out just as I envisioned. Dawn, you
know how around here, when you do
something well, like you did with
the phones, you get rewarded, right?
More responsibility?
DAWN
(CAUTIOUS)
Yes.
DAVID
Let's do the same with the faxes.
DAWN REACTS.
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- DAY
DONNA CRADLES A RECEIVER UP TO HER EAR AS GARETH TAPS HER
SHOULDER.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31.
DONNA
Need something?
GARETH
Can I give you a ride to the karaoke
place?
DONNA
Oh, you're going?
GARETH
Yeah. I'm going. I invited some
mates: Oggy and Jimmy the Perv. We
could carpool tonight. Save the
whales. So... a ride?
DONNA
No, I'm good.
GARETH
Okay.
GARETH SMILES. DAWN GETS BACK TO HER CALL.
DONNA
(SOFTLY, INTO HER
PHONE)
Nah. This guy was offering me a
ride. Nah.
(GIGGLING)
A Cavalier.
GARETH GETS THE CLUE AND WALKS AWAY. HAVING SEEN HIM LEAVE,
DONNA RETURNS TO HER CALL...
DONNA (CONT'D)
You know, what did you say that Lisa
was doing tonight...?
INT. DAVID'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON
DAVID STANDS IN HIS DOORWAY, WAVING RICKY IN.
DAVID
Ricky. Ricky, get in here. Jennifer
Taylor-Clark just called, wants to
talk about the warehouse order. You
should hear this. Stay quiet, so
she won't know your ...
RICKY SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAVID'S DESK, AS DAVID TURNS ON THE
SPEAKER PHONE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Sorry, Jenny. I'm back. You wanted
to talk about the temp who made the
order?
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
(OVER THE SPEAKERPHONE)
This can't happen ever again. There's
a huge difference between 3 tons and
7! This could have been a disaster!
DAVID DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND.
DAVID
You don't think with our usual rush
its a good idea to...
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
Of course not.
DAVID
Me neither.
DAVID IS STILL SMILES, BUT PANICKED. FINALLY--
DAVID (CONT'D)
Let's not concentrate on what may or
may not have happened. The important
thing is that we didn't order too
much.
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
Well, I appreciate you keeping this
in perspective, David, but if a temp
is ignoring protocol and ordering 7
tons, maybe you should get rid of
him.
DAVID SHAKES HIS HEAD TO RICKY. "NO WAY."
DAVID
A possible miscommunication.
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
I don't want to think about other
possible things he's screwed up.
RICKY SQUIRMS IN HIS CHAIR.
CUT TO:
INT. OPEN OFFICE -- AFTERNOON
DONNA PULLS KEITH OVER INTO A CORNER.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33.
DONNA
Hey Keith? Yeah, I was thinking
about tonight...
CUT TO:
INT. DAVID'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON
DAVID LEANS OVER THE SPEAKERPHONE.
DAVID
Jenny, if he's afraid to fail, he'll
never succeed.
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
He just doesn't sound very bright,
David.
DAVID
No, he's not. Hang on, Jenny.
DAVID PRESS A BUTTON, PUTTING THE PHONE ON 'HOLD.'
DAVID (CONT'D)
(TO RICKY)
Don't worry. Sometimes you've got
to tell them what they want to hear,
right?
DAVID PRESS 'HOLD' AGAIN.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Sorry, Jennifer.
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
All right David, I should go. Just
don't let him screw anything else
up.
DAVID
Not a problem. Bye.
DAVID PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE PHONE.
DAVID (CONT'D)
Don't worry Ricky. A couple of weeks
ago. At the manager's quarterly
meeting, Jenny got so drunk, I had
to hold her hair, while she puked.
After something like that happens,
you learn not to take what they say
too seriously.
JENNIFER TAYLOR CLARK (V.O.)
It was food poisoning, David!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34.
DAVID LOOKS DOWN AT THE PHONE. HE HADN'T HUNG UP AFTER ALL.
PAUSE.
DAVID
Right. Feeling better?
INT. KARAOKE KAVERN -- NIGHT
GARETH AND TIM SIT IN PAINED SILENCE. A WAITRESS DELIVERS
TWO PITCHERS OF BEER, PLACING THEM DOWN ON THE TABLE.
THEN A SECOND WAITRESS BRINGS ANOTHER TWO PITCHERS OF BEER.
INT. CHASER'S NIGHTCLUB -- NIGHT
DRUNK TWENTY-SOMETHINGS DANCE IN A SWIRL OF BODIES. IN THE
MIDDLE OF IT ALL, KEITH DANCES UP A STORM. DONNA WIGGLES
HER WAY NEXT TO THE BIG MAN.
KEITH
This was a great idea. And I don't
even like karaoke.
INT. KARAOKE KAVERN -- NIGHT
TIM CHECKS HIS WATCH AS GARETH FLIPS TO ANOTHER PAGE OF THE
KARAOKE SONG BOOK.
GARETH
Who do you like better? George
Michael or Pet Shop Boys?
FADE OUT.
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