ACT ONE
SCENE A
EXT. UNION 76 GAS STATION -- EVENING
A DARK CLOUD OF EXHAUST ENGULFS A BANNER HANGING ABOVE THE
GARAGE: SMOG CHECK.
THE CLOUD ERUPTS OUT OF THE TAILPIPE OF A DYING OLDSMOBILE
98. A GAS STATION ATTENDANT COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH A CLOTH
AS HE EXAMINES THE PRINT-OUT FROM THE SMOG-CHECK MACHINE.
OUTSIDE THE GARAGE, TRACY AND PARIS WATCH WITH THEIR HEADS
HANGING LOW.
TRACY
My car's never going to pass! What
am I going to do? I can't afford a
new car. Damnnit.
PARIS
Don't say that. It's a bad word.
TRACY
'Damn'? Damn's not a bad word.
PARIS
It is.
TRACY
Paris, when do you get so religious?
PARIS
Terry and I rented The Passion of
the Christ last night.
TRACY
Oh God.
PARIS
Blasphemy.
TRACY
How could Terry watch it? I thought
the movie was all subtitles, and
he's--
PARIS
Dyslexic. Yes. But he's very
Christian, so I read the subtitles
to him. It was very romantic. We
loved it.
TRACY
'We'? It's only been a month, are
you two that serious?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
PARIS
Last night, during one of the
beatings, he brought up the idea of
us moving in together.
CUT TO:
INT. TERRY'S APARTMENT -- THE PREVIOUS NIGHT
ON A COZY COUCH IN FRONT OF A GLOWING TV, PARIS PLAYS WITH
THE HAIR HANGING OVER TERRY'S EARS. HE STARES AT THE
TELEVISION, OBLIVIOUS TO HER FLIRTING.
FROM THE TELEVISION, THE SOUNDS OF WHIPS AND CRIES OF AGONY.
PARIS
This subtitle says "Ouch. Ouch.
Owww. Youch."
TERRY
Jesus is taking a beating.
PARIS
This is just so powerful...
(seeing an opening)
I don't think I'll be able to go
home tonight.
TERRY'S ATTENTION IS STILL GLUED TO THE TUBE.
PARIS (CONT'D)
Should be no problem. My toothbrush
is here. I have some clothes in
your closet. It's like a home away
from home.
TERRY
(VERY AGITATED)
Honey! Do you have to bring up moving
in together now? Our Lord and Savior
is getting the snot kicked out him!!!
Ooo, he just took it in the groin!
PARIS
If I lived here, we'd share the cost
of rent--
TERRY
The Romans' are whipping his ass!!!
PARIS
We can talk later. After
SportsCenter.
TERRY
He's suffering for our sins, and you
want to live together out of wedlock!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
PARIS
After SportsCenter. Good.
CUT TO:
EXT. UNION 76 GAS STATION -- MOMENTS LATER
TRACY AND PARIS STAND NEXT TO THE OLDSMOBILE.
TRACY
Living together would be a big step.
PARIS
Tracy, you haven't--
TRACY
Are you kidding? There's no way I
could consider moving in with Captain
Sincerity.
PARIS
Now why do you call him that?
TRACY
I call him 'Captain Sincerity' because
he's never once been sincere.
PARIS
Come on.
TRACY
Never.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE: TRACY AND CAPTAIN SINCERITY IN VARIOUS LOCATIONS
INT. BATHROOM
TRACY FROWNS AS SHE STANDS ON A SCALE. CAPTAIN SINCERITY
STANDS IN THE BATHROOM DOOR, ALL SMILES.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Guess how much you weigh? I'd say
67 pounds!
INT. RESTAURANT
AT A FANCY TABLE, TRACY WATCHES THE CAPTAIN SIGN THE BILL.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
I would have felt awkward if you'd
attempted to reach for the check.
INT. BEDROOM
TRACY AND CAPTAIN SINCERITY LIE IN BED NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
You've kept me up all night to discuss
our relationship.
(BEAT)
Thank you.
CUT TO:
EXT. UNION 76 GAS STATION -- MOMENTS LATER
PARIS SHAKES HER HEAD, AS TRACY LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE.
TRACY
He's just an insincere, lying jerk.
PARIS
But when you first met him?
TRACY
He was lying then!
CUT TO:
INT. CAFFEINE DREAMS COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
TRACY WEARS AN APRON AND POURS MORE COFFEE INTO CAPTAIN
SINCERITY'S CUP. HE SMILES UP AT HER.
TRACY
I opened it up about three years
ago... and yeah, business is good.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Then we have something in common.
You'll have to let me take you out
and pick your brain about the
restaurant industry.
TRACY
You own a restaurant?
A SLIGHT DARTING OF THE EYES, SHOW THAT THE CAPTAIN IS
BEGINNING TO LIE.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Oui... uh, it's a French place. I
serve things like crepes, baguettes...
uh, sauerkraut.
TRACY
But sauerkraut is German?
FOR A MOMENT, THE CAPTAIN LOOKS CAUGHT... BUT JUST FOR A
MOMENT.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Yes, well, my French restaurant is
set during the occupation.
CUT TO:
EXT. UNION 76 GAS STATION -- MOMENTS LATER
PARIS
Oh Tracy, that sounds cute. He was
trying to find a reason to ask you
out.
TRACY
He doesn't OWN a restaurant. He
writes commercials for friggin' Marie
Calendar!
THE GAS STATION ATTENDANT WALKS OVER TO THE LADIES WITH A
PRINT-OUT IN HIS HAND.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
Your car did not pass the smog check.
TRACY
Oh Jesus.
PARIS
(under her breath)
Died for your sins.
GAS STATION ATTENDANT
You have to get repairs done by
another station. Then have your car
inspected by a Smog Check Only
station. They have signs out in
front that say: 'Smog Check Only.'
TRACY GRABS THE PRINT-OUT FROM THE ATTENDANT.
TRACY
Just fine. Fine.
THE ATTENDANT SULKS AWAY. TRACY AND PARIS MAKE THEIR WAY
INTO TRACY'S CAR.
TRACY (CONT'D)
Thank you. Great. There's a million
crooked inspectors in this town and
I go to the one honest Smog Inspector!
PARIS
We should pray.
TRACY
I want to die.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
PARIS
Cheer up. We've got a double date
night planned. We'll go meet the
guys at the Cat & Fiddle. You'll
relax and unwind. It will be fun.
PARIS DUCKS HER HEAD INTO THE CAR, AS TRACY FOLLOWS HER,
SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT.
TRACY
I can't believe this.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD PROPER -- EVENING
TRACY AND PARIS DRIVE PAST VARIOUS LANDMARKS OF HOLLYWOOD
LEAVING A CLOUD OF SMOG IN THEIR PATH: THE FORMOSA, PINK'S,
CROSSROADS OF THE WORLD, AND UP TO THE CAT & FIDDLE BAR ON
SUNSET.
EXT. CAT & FIDDLE PATIO -- NIGHT
AT A GARDEN TABLE NEXT TO A FOUNTAIN, CAPTAIN SINCERITY SIPS
ON AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK THROUGH THE TINY STRAW. HE CHECKS OUT
VARIOUS SKINNY LADIES AS THEY WALK BY.
HE SEES TERRY AND WAVES HIM OVER.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Terry! Over here!
TERRY MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE THRONGS OF YOUNG SINGLES,
TAKING A SEAT.
TERRY
Hey guy! You know where the girls
are?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Tracy called a few minutes ago. She
and Paris are trying to find a parking
spot.
TERRY GLANCES OVER A MENU; HE'S COMPLETELY LOST.
TERRY
What is this stuff? Mash and
Bangers... bangers?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Bangers and Mash. You know...
sausages and potatoes. The English
dish.
TERRY
Right. I've got--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Tracy mentioned something. You're
dyslexic?
TERRY
It's embarrassing.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY TURNS UP HIS EMOTIONAL, HEARTFELT BRAND OF
NON-SINCERITY.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
A cousin of mine had it. Had problems
reading stuff in the right order.
You know what he did?
TERRY
What?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Karaoke.
TERRY
Karaoke?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Yeah. You know how popular songs
go, right? So you go sing the song,
watch the words on the bottom of the
screen. They match up with the
lyrics... so your brain gets use to
reading things in the right order.
TERRY
That works?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
So you're training your mind to read
things in the right order.
TERRY
Makes a lot of sense.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Well, it's a little more complicated
than that.
(he looks up)
Oh, here are the ladies.
TRACY AND PARIS WORK THEIR WAY OVER TO THE TABLE. THE MEN
STAND AND KISS THEIR RETROSPECTIVE GIRLFRIENDS. THEY SIT AS
TERRY SIGNALS FOR A WAITER TO COME OVER.
WAITER
Hi, my name is Samuel. I'll be your
waiter tonight. Can I get you started
with some drinks?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
TRACY
Yes, lots of alcohol.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
We'll have a round of martinis for
everybody.
WAITER
Okay.
TERRY
Excuse me, your name is Samuel?
WAITER
Yep.
TERRY
And your last name?
THE WAITER IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED.
WAITER
Cohen. Why do you ask?
TERRY
You're Jewish?
WAITER
Yes.
TERRY STARTS TO RESPOND, BUT TRACY CUTS HIM OFF.
TRACY
It's nothing. Nothing. Thanks,
we'll just need those drinks. Okay?
Thanks.
THE WAITER WALKS AWAY, CONFUSED.
TRACY (CONT'D)
What was that about?
TERRY
We saw The Passion last night.
PARIS
We loved it.
TRACY
I heard you two are thinking about
moving in together?
TERRY
Not out of wedlock.
PARIS
But you said?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
I would love to move with in Tracy.
TRACY
Oh Jesus.
PARIS AND TERRY IN UNISON
Blasphemy.
TRACY
Can we please change the subject?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Let's play a drinking game.
TERRY
No games where I have to read.
PARIS
How about "I Never"?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
That's a great game!
VOICE
Hey buddy!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY TURNS AROUND TO SEE ACROSS THE COURTYARD,
SHAKY ED MCGOVNEY, AN AWKWARD LOOKING MIDDLE-AGED COMPUTER
NERD. ED COMES ACROSS AS SOMEONE UNCOMFORTABLE WITHIN THEIR
OWN SKIN AND UNCOMFORTABLE WITH EVERY WORD IN HIS MOUTH.
CAPTAIN S. LEANS IN AND WHISPERS IN TRACY'S EAR.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
(whispering)
It's that guy from work I've mentioned
to you: Shaky Ed.
SHAKY ED DARTS AROUND PEOPLE HOLDING HIS DRINK OVER HIS HEAD.
STEPPING OVER TO THE TABLE.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Ed, pull up a chair.
SHAKY ED GRABS A CHAIR FROM ANOTHER TABLE AND PULLS IT UP
NEXT TO THE CAPTAIN... BUT ED DOESN'T GET IN THE SEAT HIMSELF.
TRACY AND PARIS EXCHANGE A 'WORRIED' GLANCE.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Ed, what are you doing? Take a chair.
SHAKY ED
Where?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Here. Join us.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
FINALLY GETTING THE IDEA, SHAKY ED DROPS DOWN INTO THE CHAIR.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
(to the table)
Everybody, this is a buddy of mine
from work, Ed McGovney. Ed, what
are you doing here?
SHAKY ED
I was just out looking for some tail.
I see you guys have found some skirts.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY SQUIRMS AT SHAKY ED'S AWKWARD COMMENT.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Well, uh. Ed, this is my girlfriend,
Tracy. And her friends Paris and
Terry.
SHAKY ED
Party. What are you guys doing?
TRACY
We were about to start playing "I
Never."
SHAKY ED
Sweet. I'm in. Yeah.
SHAKY ED TAKES A SEAT AS THE WAITER ARRIVES AND STARTS PLACING
DRINKS DOWN IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. TERRY LEANS OVER, PLACING
A HAND ON THE WAITER'S FOREARM.
TERRY
I forgive you. You're forgiven.
WAITER
Excuse me?
TRACY REACHES OVER AND FREES THE WAITER FROM TERRY.
TRACY
Thank you. Thanks, we're fine.
THE WAITER ESCAPES.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Okay, now the way you play "I Never"
is that each person says something
they've never done. And if you have
done that thing... then you have to
take a drink. It's easy. We'll
start slow... I'll start it off.
'I've never seen The Passion of
Christ.' So if you have; and you
guys have--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
TERRY
We saw it last night.
PARIS
We loved it.
TRACY
So you have to drink.
PARIS AND TERRY TAKE A SIP FROM THEIR DRINKS AS DOES SHAKY
ED.
TRACY (CONT'D)
Ed, you've seen it?
SHAKY ED
Of course. You haven't?
TRACY
No.
TERRY
I forgive you.
PARIS
Your turn, honey.
TERRY
Alright, my turn. So if I want to
make you drink...?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Say something you know I've done.
TERRY
'I've never kissed Tracy.'
THE CAPTAIN TAKES A DRINK, AS DOES PARIS... WHICH MAKES ED
HOOT.
PARIS
It was an innocent kiss, but I have
kissed her so I had to drink. Nothing
against that in the Bible.
TERRY
I'm pretty sure there might be.
TRACY ROLLS HER EYES.
TRACY
Okay, my turn.
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
TRACY (CONT'D)
(SHE STARES AT PARIS
AS SHE SAYS HER
'NEVER')
I never slept with some guy in high
school just because he had a bitchin'
car.'
FURIOUS, PARIS TAKES A SIP, WHICH GETS TERRY GOING.
TERRY
What in the world have you--?!
PARIS
It was high school!
TERRY
So?!
PARIS
It was a Fiero!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Ed, you don't have to drink.
ED PULLS HIS CUP DOWN FROM HIS LIPS.
SHAKY ED
I thought you had to drink if you've
done it. It was a cherry Camaro.
THE CAPTAIN TRIES TO HIDE HIS DISCOMFORT AND TURNS AWAY.
PARIS
My turn.
(PARIS STARES BACK AT
TRACY)
'I've never fondled myself while
thinking about your boyfriend.'
TRACY SMIRKS AS SHE RAISES HER GLASS; BUT THE CAPTAIN LOOKS
ON IN DISBELIEF AS ED RAISES HIS GLASS TOO.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Ed, what in the hell are you doing?
PARIS
Don't say 'hell'.
SHAKY ED
If we've fondled ourselves while
thinking about you, we drink.
THE TABLE IS STUNNED INTO SILENCE. ED SURVEYS HIS EMPTY
GLASS.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
Geesh, I'm going to need another
round.
TERRY
I'll get the Jew.
TRACY
Alright, that's inappropriate!
TERRY
They turned Jesus into the Romans...
and I'm the one who's inappropriate?
WITH DISGUST, TRACY STANDS BUT HER SUDDEN MOVEMENT KNOCKS
HER GLASS INTO CAPTAIN SINCERITY'S LAP. CAPTAIN SINCERITY
STANDS, REVEALING A HUGE WET STAIN ON HIS PANTS.
TRACY
Sorry.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
(in 'Sincere' mode)
It's alright, it's just a huge wet
stain on my crotch.
SHAKY ED
That is so hot.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY BACKS AWAY FROM THE GROWING-MORE-CREEPY,
SHAKY ED, WHILE TRACY GRABS A NAPKIN AND WIPES THE WET STAIN
ON HIS PANTS.
TERRY
Do you think you should be doing
that in front of everyone?
PARIS
Now Terry...
TRACY
What? Does Jesus really care if I
wipe his wet pants?
SHAKY ED
Oh yeah. Wipe!
ALL EYES CONVERGE BACK ON A STONE-FACED SHAKY ED.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
I just came!
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
INT. TRACY AND PARIS' APARTMENT - KITCHEN -- MORNING
WITH MORNING HAIR AND PJS ON, TRACY WALKS TO THE COFFEE
MACHINE AND POURS HERSELF A CUP. WITH MORNING EYE GLASSES
ON, PARIS PICKS AT A GRAPEFRUIT WHILE READING THE PAPER.
A SHAGGY WHITE CAT JUMPS UP ON THE KITCHEN TABLE, MAKING ITS
WAY TO A BAR OF BUTTER. LICKING IT UP.
TRACY
Paris, your damn cat!
PARIS SCOOPS UP THE KITTY.
PARIS
Don't yell at Mr. Whipple.
(to the cat)
Who loves you? Who loves you?
(to Tracy)
I'm calling in sick.
TRACY
Good, you can go with me. I have to
bribe a smog check guy to give my
car a passing grade.
PARIS
I can't go. Terry and I are going
to Dimples so he can practice karaoke.
TRACY
God.
PARIS
Don't say that! At least not in
front of Terry. What do you have
against him? He's just a Christian.
TRACY
He's a religious freak. People like
him spend $500 buying a grilled cheese
sandwich on eBay because it looked
like the Virgin Mary was burnt into
the crust.
PARIS
He's not like that. 500 dollars?
Come with us to Dimples karaoke,
you'll see his good heart.
TRACY
I can't. I've got to bribe someone.
PARIS
That's not your element.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
TRACY
You're right. I need someone more
capable of lying.
CUT TO:
INT. MARIE CALLENDER CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - CONFERENCE
ROOM -- DAY
CAPTAIN SINCERITY LOOKS OVER VARIOUS PRINT OUTS, AS SHAKY ED
WALKS IN INTO THE ROOM. LOOKING SHEEPISH.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Where've you been? We've got to
present this!
SHAKY ED
You acted so hurtful last night.
A SHARP DRESSED MAN IN A SMART SUIT, LARRY, ENTERS THE ROOM,
TAKING A SEAT AT THE HEAD OF THE CONFERENCE TABLE.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
(to the Captain)
You hurt me so bad last night.
Rejection is like a gun to the head.
I felt like killing myself.
LARRY'S EYES WIDEN.
LARRY
Am I interrupting something?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
No Larry, not at all. Everything's
jack dandy.
LARRY
So you've got the new frozen dinner
copy ready?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Yeah, it's aces. You're going to
love it.
CAPTAIN PICKS UP A SHEET FROM THE TABLE, READS.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
(reading, he's 'on')
"Marie Callender made her warm country
fried steak with tender beef steak
dipped in seasoned batter, fresh
corn on the cob on the side and smooth
creamy gravy, and it's now available
for you in a convenient frozen dinner.
Delicious food, Generous portions.
Marie Callender's."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
LARRY
Is that it?
SHAKY ED
I hate it.
THE CAPTAIN WAS NOT QUITE EXPECTING THIS REACTION. TRYING
TO SMOOTHLY CALM THE SITUATION.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Ed, we worked on it together?
SHAKY ED
Give it to me, I'll do it correctly.
SHAKY ED GRABS THE PAPER, AND BEGINS HIS OWN READING.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
"Marie Callender made her warm country
fried steak with tender beef steak
dipped in seasoned batter, fresh
corn on the cob on the side and smooth
creamy gravy
(VOICE DROPS AN OCTAVE)
Then she died. But we will continue
to make her dish for you in a
convenient frozen dinner.
(CHEERY TAGLINE)
Delicious food, Generous portions.
Marie Callender's."
LARRY LOOKS TO THE CAPTAIN, WHO STRUGGLES TO CONTAIN HIMSELF.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Ed... that won't work, we can't bring
up death... while pitching delicious,
wholesome frozen food.
SHAKY ED
(INTERRUPTING)
I might as well be dead to you!
CAPTAIN S. LOOKS TO LARRY FOR HELP; BUT LARRY HAS PUSHED
HIMSELF AWAY FROM THE TABLE. BACKING AWAY FROM THE DEVELOPING
SITUATION. THE CAPTAIN TURNS BACK TO ED.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
But... mentioning death in a
commercial is not appro--
SHAKY ED
Is this because I'm gay!!!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
What?!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
SHAKY ED
Shooting down our idea just because
I like men!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
This has nothing to do with--
SHAKY ED
You're a real butt plug--
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
We can't say Marie Calendar died--
SHAKY ED
Don't pretend like you don't know
what a butt plug is!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
What does a butt plug have to do
with anything?
SHAKY ED
So now you know about butt plugs?
Deny it! I dare you! Deny it!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
What?!?! I'm not presenting that
copy!
SHAKY ED
You should go oppress someone else's
ideas!
SHAKY ED STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM. CAPTAIN SINCERITY PICKS
THE DISCARDED COPY FROM THE FLOOR. THE SINCERITY IS HARD TO
PULL TOGETHER; HE TURNS TO LARRY.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
He's... You'll have to forgive, Shaky
Ed, he... he... uh.
LARRY
I'm not opening our firm to a
discrimination law suit.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
No -- Discrimination suit?
LARRY
I'll go get Chuck and the board, and
you'll present them that idea. Ed's
idea.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
But...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18.
LARRY EXITS, LEAVING CAPTAIN SINCERITY ALONE AND SHELL-
SHOCKED.
CUT TO:
INT. DIMPLES -- AFTERNOON
A YOUNG DIMPLES WAITRESS, KATIE, UNLOCKS THE DOOR; ALLOWING
PARIS AND TERRY TO BARGE INTO THE RESTAURANT.
WAITRESS KATIE
Welcome to Dimples, you guys must be
hungry.
TERRY
Karaoke. Where's the song books?
WAITRESS KATIE
Aren't you excited.
KATIE LEADS TERRY AND PARIS TO A TABLE. ON THE TABLE IS A
SONG BOOK, WHICH TERRY DIGS INTO IMMEDIATELY.
PARIS
Thank you for letting me take part
in this.
TERRY
I don't recognize any of these songs.
Who in the world are the Pea Eyes
Black?
PARIS
The Black Eyed Peas. They're very
popular.
TERRY
I've never heard of them... Or any
of these bands.
PARIS
This is a big step for us. Working
together to solve a problem. We're
taking the next step, so we should
consider...
TERRY
Paris, please! Why do you always
have to bring up moving in together.
PARIS
Because I want to. I called in sick
to be here with you, and it's time
you start doing some things for me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
TERRY
We'll move in together when the time
is right.
PARIS
When will the time be right?! What
do you need? A sign from God? What?!
KATIE THE WAITRESS STEPS OVER.
WAITRESS KATIE
I'm sorry. Am I interrupting...?
TERRY
No, please.
WAITRESS KATIE
Okay. Can I get you started with
any appetizers or drinks?
TERRY
I'm fine with water.
(to Paris)
You order something, I've got to
find a song I know.
WAITRESS KATIE
Let me start off by saying our soup
of the day is French Onion. And
since you're here early our lunch
specials include our Half-Pound Turkey
Burger, our World-Famous Twice-Grilled
Cheese Sandwich and Homemade Eggless
Pasta.
PARIS
Did you say Grilled Cheese Sandwich?
WAITRESS KATIE
Yes, it's excellent.
PARIS
Baby, you like Grilled Cheese, right?
TERRY
Yeah, that's fine. Whatever!
PARIS
He'll have the Grilled Cheese and
let me have the Chicken Salad
Sandwich. And a Diet Coke.
THE WAITRESS LEAVES AND TERRY BURIES HIS HEAD BACK INTO THE
KARAOKE SONG BOOK... HE'S AT A LOSS.
TERRY
I don't any of these songs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
PARIS GRABS A SLIP OF PAPER AND A PEN. PULLING THE BOOK OUT
OF TERRY'S GRASP.
PARIS
Here, let me pick.
SHE SCANS THE PAGE, THEN IMMEDIATELY STARTS SCRIBBLING
SOMETHING DOWN.
TERRY
Wait, I have to know the song!
PARIS
Relax! Everybody knows the Beatles.
PARIS BOUNCES OUT OF THE BOOTH TOWARD THE KARAOKE LEADER.
CUT TO:
INT. MARIE CALLENDER CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY --
AFTERNOON
TRACY WALKS THROUGH THE CUBICLES, ONLY STOPPING UPON FINDING
SHAKY ED SITTING DOWN ON THE FLOOR BLOCKING HER PATH. SHE
KNEELS DOWN TO HIM.
TRACY
Hello.
A DESPONDENT ED DOESN'T REPLY.
TRACY (CONT'D)
Remember me from the other night at
the Cat and Fiddle? I'm Tracy. I'm
going out with--
SHAKY ED
(interrupting)
He's so cold to me. You're so lucky.
TRACY
Well... I wouldn't call it luck.
He's a pain in the ass. Behind his
back, I call him Captain Sincerity
because he's always full of it.
SHAKY ED
This morning... I tried to pitch my
idea for a new commercial... and he
just shot it down. Because I'm gay.
TRACY
That bastard. He could learn from
you. You're sincere. You always
say exactly how you feel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
TURNING A CORNER IN THE OFFICE, CAPTAIN SINCERITY DISCOVERS
THE TWO ON THE FLOOR.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Tracy? What are you doing here?
(IN HEAVY SINCERE
MODE)
I was just thinking about calling
you.
TRACY STANDS, READY TO CONFRONT HER MAN.
TRACY
Cut the crap. What did you do to
Ed?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Nothing.
SHAKY ED
He crushed my feelings.
TRACY
You monster!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
But I didn't do anything!
TRACY
Likely story.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
I'm serious. Ed, what can I do to
make it up to you?
SHAKY ED
You could-
TRACY
(interrupting)
You need to take my car and get it
smog checked. Today. And you're
going to have to bribe someone,
because it won't pass.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
You know I've love to... but --
TRACY
Try sweet talking them, like you did
me.
SHAKY ED
And me!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
But--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
TRACY THROWS HER CAR KEYS INTO THE CAPTAIN'S CHEST.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
You're not going to go with me?
TRACY
No, I'll take a cab home.
SHAKY ED HOPS OFF THE FLOOR WITH NEW ENERGY.
SHAKY ED
I'll give you a ride; I can't stay
here another second.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Ed, you just can't leave work.
LARRY ROUNDS A CORNER AND SEE "THE SCENE."
SHAKY ED
Larry, is it okay if I leave work
early? I don't feel well.
LARRY
Of course. We're an accepting and
open workplace that loves diversity.
Is it a cold?
SHAKY ED
I just think I've got a bad case
of... dandruff.
LARRY
Fine. Take the rest of the afternoon
off. Marie Calendar supports
everyone.
LARRY RAISES A FIST IN THE AIR.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Equality now!
TRACY
(waving bye to Captain
Sincerity)
So my car's smog check. Handle it,
today!
TRACY AND SHAKY ED EXIT IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS LARRY
GRABS CAPTAIN SINCERITY BY THE SHOULDER.
LARRY
Conference room, now.
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
INT. DIMPLES KITCHEN -- AFTERNOON
PARIS POKES HER HEAD IN THE SWINGING DOOR. NONE OF THE
KITCHEN STAFF NOTICES HER, SO SHE INVITES HERSELF IN.
THE HEAD CHEF RAISES AN EYEBROW.
PARIS
(in super cheerful
voice)
Hello.
HEAD CHEF
Customers are not allowed in the
kitchen.
PARIS
I don't mean to cause any trouble.
I ordered a Grilled Cheese Sandwich.
HEAD CHEF
It'll be ready in a minute!
PARIS
Yeah, it's just I was wondering if
you could grill an image of the Virgin
Mary on to my sandwich?
CUT TO:
INT. MARIE CALLENDER CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - CONFERENCE
ROOM -- AFTERNOON
WITH MORE WELL-DRESSED EXECUTIVES LINING THE TABLE, CAPTAIN
SINCERITY CAN FEEL THE HEAT. C.E.O. CHUCK LEANS FORWARD,
NOT WANTING TO WASTE ANY TIME.
CHUCK
Larry says you've finished the new
copy on the frozen dinner script.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
That's right Chuck, but I wanted--
CHUCK
Okay, let's go. We don't have all
day.
THE CAPTAIN LOOKS TO LARRY, WHO JUST NODS HIM ON.
WITH A ROLLING OF HIS EYES, THE CAPTAIN LOOSENS HIS TIE.
IT'S ON.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
"Marie Callender made her warm country
fried steak with tender beef skirt
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
dipped in seasoned batter, fresh
corn on the cob on the side and smooth
creamy gravy
(VOICE STAYS UPBEAT;
SAYING THE NEXT LINE
MATTER-Of-FACTLY)
Then she died. But we will continue
to make her dish for you in a
convenient frozen dinner. Delicious
food, Generous portions. Marie
Callender's."
THE CAPTAIN HOLDS A PLEASANT SMILE AFTER THE LAST LINE... IN
A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO 'SELL IT.'
CHUCK AND THE BOARD SIT IN STONE-FACED SILENCE.
THE CAPTAIN HOLDS... AND HOLDS... HE HAS TO SELL IT.
CHUCK SITS UP IN HIS CHAIR; A COLD BLANK EXPRESSION ON HIS
FACE.
CHUCK
Let me see the copy.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
I can explain. Ed McGovney had--
CHUCK
Hand it over!
RELUCTANTLY, THE CAPTAIN SLIDES THE SHEET OF PAPER WHICH
HE'S BEEN READING FROM ACROSS THE TABLE TO CHUCK.
PULLING A PEN FROM HIS LAPEL POCKET, CHUCK STARTS SCRIBBLING
ACROSS THE SHEET.
CHUCK (CONT'D)
The way this reads you're giving
people the impression that she died
from making chicken-fried steak!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Right, it is a bad concept. We --
CHUCK
People will think she had a heart
attack for God's sake!
CHUCK FLINGS THE PAPER BACK ACROSS THE TABLE. LIKE A NERVOUS
RAT, CAP'N SINCERITY GRABS THE SCRIPT.
SCANNING THE RE-WRITE, THE CAPTAIN IS PUZZLED, LOOKING BACK
TO CHUCK, WHO NODS BACK APPROVINGLY.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25.
CHUCK (CONT'D)
Give that a try. For the room.
THE CAPTAIN STANDS SLIGHTLY TALLER, A NEW PITCH HAS BEGUN.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
"Marie Callender made her warm country
fried steak with tender beef steak
dipped in seasoned batter, fresh
corn on the cob on the side and smooth
creamy gravy
(VOICE LOWERS SLIGHTLY;
FOR 'DIGNITY')
Then she died...
(THEN INJECTING A
WARMTH INTO HIS VOICE)
From bladder cancer. In honor of
Marie's lasting memory, we will
continue to make her dish for you in
a convenient frozen dinner.
(SELLING THE TAGLINE)
Delicious food, Generous portions.
Healthy bladders"
THE OTHER BOARD MEMBERS IN THE ROOM LOOK TO CHUCK, WHO GRINS
WIDELY.
BOARD MEMBER #1
That works so much better, Chuck.
BOARD MEMBER #2
That can make it work... but I'm
wondering.
CHUCK
You have a note?
BOARD MEMBER #2
Maybe it sounds like we're trying
too hard to convince people she didn't
die from the country fried steak.
CHUCK
Good point, we can re-work it.
CHUCK GRABS A HANDSET OFF A PHONE ON THE TABLE. DIALING
FOUR QUICK DIGITS.
CHUCK (CONT'D)
Julie? Get the Callender family
down here, we're going to want their
approval on this spot, today.
CUT TO:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
26.
INT. DIMPLES - KARAOKE STAGE -- AFTERNOON
A PERKY YOUNG HOSTESS WEARING A TIGHT BELLY-BARING T-SHIRT
GRABS A MICROPHONE, AND STEPS INTO THE SPOTLIGHT.
HOSTESS
Good Thursday Afternoon, everybody.
How are you doing out there?
A WAVE OF CLAPS AND SHOUTS FLUTTER UP FROM THE NOT-QUITE-
PACKED RESTAURANT.
HOSTESS (CONT'D)
My name's Brittany, and I want to
welcome everyone to the world-famous
Dimples!
A SMATTERING OF MORE APPLAUSE FILTERS OUT FROM THE CROWD.
HOSTESS (CONT'D)
We know that it's never too early
for a little entertainment with your
meal. If you want to get up here
and show us what you've got; just
hand me one of the slips of paper on
your table. And we've got one eager
beaver, who rip-roaring to go
apparently. Give it up for Terry!
MORE APPLAUSE RINGS OUT. BUT NOT FROM TERRY, WHO LOOKS
NERVOUSLY IN ALL DIRECTIONS. NO SIGN OF PARIS. SQUIRMING,
HE SLIDES OUT FROM THE BOOTH.
CUT TO:
INT. SHAKY ED'S CAR -- DAY
TRACY SPINS THE WHEEL, AS SHAKY ED'S HEAD RESTS AGAINST THE
PASSENGER WINDOW. DESPONDANT.
SHAKY ED
Thank you so much for driving. In
the state I'm in, I shouldn't be
behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.
TRACY
Don't worry about it. You'll find
another guy. A better guy!
SHAKY ED SITS UP, DISGUSTED.
SHAKY ED
Another 'guy'? Please. At this
rate, I'll probably end up with my
ex-wife.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
27.
TRACY
You were married?
SHAKY ED
Oh yeah. What a friggin manipulative
bitch! She's the reason I decided
to go 'gay'.
TRACY
"Decided"?
SHAKY ED
Yeah. I'm still attracted to women,
but they lie. And cheat. So I
switched to men.
TRACY
You could just switch like that?
SHAKY ED
If I brought a man flowers, he
wouldn't lie to me.
TRACY
And you also claim to hate liars,
yet you're interested in Captain
Sincerity? Doesn't make any sense.
SHAKY ED
Tell me about it. I'm so screwed.
That's why I bought this.
ED POPS OPEN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT, PULLING OUT A HANDGUN.
TRACY JERKS THE STEERING WHEEL IN SHOCK.
TRACY
Oh My God!
CUT TO:
INT. DIMPLES - KARAOKE STAGE -- DAY
OFF TO THE SIDE, TERRY PULLS ON THE HOSTESS' SLEEVE.
TERRY
I've never done this before...
HOSTESS
It's no big deal, everyone will
support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
28.
TERRY
I was kinda hoping that my girlfriend
would be here... she went to the
rest room a while ago.
CUT TO:
INT. DIMPLES KITCHEN -- DAY
PARIS AND THE HEAD CHEF ARE HUDDLED AROUND THE GRILL, STARING
DOWN WITH INTENSE FOCUS ON THE SANDWICH.
PARIS
I think it's too dark on the Virgin
Mary's face.
HEAD CHEF
It could be a beauty mark!
PARIS
You gave her a beard!!
HEAD CHEF
Maybe you tell him it's Jesus?
PARIS
We did just watch The Passion.
HEAD CHEF
I could make a cross, real easy!
PARIS
I think Jesus should have longer
hair. Don't you?
HEAD CHEF
I'm not really sure, I'm Jewish.
PARIS IS TAKEN ABACK BY THE REVELATION.
PARIS
Oh.
HEAD CHEF
I can still do it.
PARIS
Do you think the dishwasher...?
HEAD CHEF
Would you feel more comfortable if I
put Noah on the sandwich?
PARIS
That's Old Testament.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29.
HEAD CHEF
It'd be easy to make an ark shape.
PARIS
If you have a black sharpie, I could
just draw in the rest.
THE CHEF TWEAKS WITH THE SANDWICH, PUSHING THE CRUST AT
DIFFERENT ANGLES.
TURNING THE BREAD BACK OVER, HE GRUNTS.
PARIS (CONT'D)
You burnt the cross over his face!!
What do you people have against
Jesus?!
HEAD CHEF
'You people'?
PARIS IS CAUGHT.
PARIS
Yes, you... 'cooks'.
CUT TO:
INT. DIMPLES - KARAOKE STAGE -- MOMENTS LATER
SOAKING UP THE SPOTLIGHT, THE HOSTESS BRINGS THE MICROPHONE
UP TO HER LIPS.
HOSTESS
Alright, Dimples! How you doing?
LACKLUSTER APPLAUSE DRIFTS OUT.
HOSTESS (CONT'D)
First up, we've got Terry. And he's
never done karaoke before. So I
want everyone to show him some love.
Let's hear it for Terry!
SHE SWINGS THE MICROPHONE TO HIM, AS HE GINGERLY STEPS OUT
FRONT AND CENTER. THE WARM GLOW OF APPLAUSE STARTS TO FILTER
IN TO HIS NERVOUSNESS.
THE OPENING BARS OF THE BEATLES' "COME TOGETHER" BLARE OUT
FROM THE SPEAKERS. TERRY SHIELDS HIS EYES FROM THE SPOTLIGHT
AND SEARCHES FOR HIS MONITOR.
TERRY
I don't even know this song!
THE LYRICS POP UP ON THE SCREEN, HIGHLIGHTING AS THEY MOVE
ALONG WITH THE MUSIC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30.
TERRY (CONT'D)
(weakly singing)
Flattop old here come,
grooving come he slowly up,
Eyeball jew - jew....
TERRY STRUGGLES TO KEEP READING ALONG
TERRY (CONT'D)
Something about Jews?
IN VAIN, HE TRIES TO KEEP GOING.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Knees down, he's got hair
Be to got what he just please the
Joker, Over now, together
right....... Come on me!
VARIOUS AUDIENCE MEMBER WATCH IN JAW-DROPPED HORROR. THE
HOSTESS SMILES AT PEOPLE, CLAPS TO KEEP THE MOOD LIGHT AND
FUN.
OBLIVIOUS TO THE AUDIENCE, BUT HEARING THE CLAPPING, TERRY
PUTS MORE ENERGY INTO HIS SINGING.
TERRY (CONT'D)
No wearing shoeshine,
got football on his toe-joe,
he gotta finger a monkey,
AN OLDER WOMAN'S EYES WIDEN IN DISGUST.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Coca-cola he shoot.. uh,
He says "You know you, I know me",
I can tell you one thing,
be free to be free,
Over right, together now......
Come on me!
(to the crowd)
Everybody! Come on me!
CUT TO:
INT. MARIE CALLENDER CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - CONFERENCE
ROOM -- DAY
THE ROOM IS NOW PACKED WITH EXECUTIVES. CHUCK LEADS WYNN
CALLENDER, A SENIOR DRESSED IN A THREE-PIECE SUIT, TO A SEAT
AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE.
CHUCK
There you go Wynn. We wanted to run
this script by you. Get the family's
permission before we cut this spot
since it deals with Marie.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31.
WYNN CALLENDER
She's the name above the door.
CHUCK
That's right. She gave us this proud
tradition. Alright, let's hear it.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY SCRIBBLES LAST SECOND NOTES ACROSS THE TOP
OF THE SCRIPT.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Just want to clean-up that one
section... I'm not sure it reads,
well, uh--
WYNN CALLENDER
Get on with it!
THE CAPTAIN STRAIGHTENS UP, AND TRIES TO 'TURN IT ON', ONE
LAST TIME. USING EVERY LAST ONCE OF FAKE SINCERITY HE CAN
MUSTER.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
"Marie Callender made her warm country
fried steak with a tender beef skirt
dipped in seasoned batter, fresh
corn on the cob and smooth creamy
gravy
(MATTER-Of-FACTLY)
Then she died...
(INJECTING A WARMTH
BACK INTO HIS VOICE)
From bladder cancer, learn more about
it on our website. In honor of
Marie's lasting memory, we will put
$1 from every frozen country-fried
steak dinner into "Marie's Urethra"
our Anti-Bladder Cancer Foundation.
(AND THE TAGLINE)
Delicious Food, Generous Portions.
Healthy Bladders."
CAPTAIN SINCERITY STRAINS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT TO LEND THE
GRAVITAS TO THE AD.
THE ROOM IS SILENT AS WYNN LOOKS DOWN TO THE TABLE. HIS
HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
PANICKED, CHUCK GRABS THE SCRIPT FROM THE CAPTAIN'S HANDS.
CHUCK
Mr. Callender, I apologize. This
writer wrote something not
appropriate, and I--
WYNN WAVES A HAND UP, SHUTTING HIM UP. THE ELDERLY MAN RAISES
HIS HEAD. TEARS SLOWLY DRIPPING OFF HIS CHEEKS.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
32.
WYNN CALLENDER
My sister was so beautiful.
CHANGING COURSE, CHUCK NODS IN AGREEMENT.
CHUCK
A Princess!
WYNN CALLENDER
And you are only thinking radio?
SEEING AN OPENING...
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Not at all. We'll start with radio,
then move on to TV.
CUT TO:
INT. TRACY AND PARIS' APARTMENT - KITCHEN -- AFTERNOON
TRACY DROPS DOWN INTO A CHAIR AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, WHILE
SHAKY ED STANDS AT THE DOOR, PLAYING WITH THE HANDGUN.
TRACY
I would appreciate it, if you didn't
bring that gun into my apartment.
SHAKY ED
I showed you that it wasn't loaded!
TRACY
I don't ever want a gun in my house.
SHAKY ED
(defensive)
Is this because I'm gay?
TRACY
You're not gay!
SHAKY ED
It's unloaded.
TRACY
That doesn't matter.
SHAKY ED STICKS THE GUN INTO HIS PANT'S POCKET. CLOSING THE
DOOR BEHIND HIMSELF.
SHAKY ED
I'm just out of my head. I need
love so bad.
TRACY
Ed, calm down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33.
PULLING THE GUN BACK OUT OF HIS POCKET, ED STICKS THE BARREL
UP AGAINST HIS FOREHEAD.
SHAKY ED
That's it. I'm going to kill myself!
ED VIOLENTLY PUSHES HIMSELF AGAINST THE WALL.
TRACY
Ed.
SHAKY ED
I'll do it! I'll blow my brains
out!
TRACY
It's not loaded.
SHAKY ED
You think I won't!?!
TRACY
You can't!
SHAKY ED
Is this because I'm gay?
TRACY
Ed! Put down the--
MR. WHIPPLE THE CAT JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE AND STARTS LICKING
A STICK OF BUTTER ON A BUTTER DISH. TRACY PULLS AT HER HAIR.
TRACY (CONT'D)
Mr. Whipple! Damn it.
SCOOPING THE CAT UP, ED PULLS THE GUN FROM HIMSELF, AND
INSTEAD, HOLDS IT POINT-BLANK TO THE CAT'S HEAD. THREATENING.
SHAKY ED
Okay, the cat'll die!
TRACY
Ed, stop it!
SHAKY ED
I'm gonna make a mess of kitty brains
if I don't get love.
TRACY
This is crazy!
SHAKY ED
If you wanna see your precious pet
survive--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
34.
TRACY
I hate that cat.
SHAKY ED
I'll do it! I will!
TRACY
The gun isn't loaded!
SHAKY ED
The cat doesn't know that!
TRACY IS COMPLETELY EXACERBATED. SHE STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM,
DEFLATING ED'S RANT.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
Where are you going? Tracy?
HE DROPS THE CAT AND GUN DOWN ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. FOLLOWING
HER DOWN A HALLWAY.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
I can't be alone right now.
CUT TO:
INT. DIMPLES -- AFTERNOON
CARRYING THEIR LUNCH, PARIS WALKS THROUGH SEVERAL PATRONS
TOWARD THE BOOTH, WHERE A TRIUMPHANT TERRY STILL REVELS IN
THE GLOW OF HIS PERFORMANCE.
PARIS
Lunch is served. A special treat
just for you.
TERRY GRABS THE PLATE FROM HER WITH ONE HAND, AND PULLS HER
DOWN WITH THE OTHER.
TERRY
Where were you?
PARIS
I was just getting our lunch, sweetie.
TERRY FUMES.
TERRY
But you missed it! Everybody was
clapping and--
PARIS
I'm sure you were great.
AS PARIS TALKS, WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT, TERRY PICKS UP THE
SANDWICH FOR A BITE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35.
PARIS (CONT'D)
Hey, you know how there should be a
sign that we could move in --
QUICKLY, SHE PULLS THE SANDWICH AWAY FROM HIS MOUTH.
TERRY
What are you doing?
PARIS
I... uh.. don't eat while I'm talking.
TERRY
Good grief.
SHE PULLS THE SANDWICH FROM HIS HANDS AND PLACES IT DOWN ON
THE TABLE.
PARIS
Tell me about your song.
TERRY
You put in a song that I didn't know.
But once the music started--
PARIS CAN'T STAY FOCUSED ON TERRY. HER EYES KEEP CHECKING
OUT THE SANDWICH.
TERRY (CONT'D)
I think I could follow the beat and
everyone--
PARIS FLIPS THE SANDWICH OVER. NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. TERRY
HAS TROUBLE STAYING ON MESSAGE WITH HER CONSTANT SPINNING OF
HIS SANDWICH.
TERRY (CONT'D)
Was applauding. So I started singing.
And it was good. And I...
PARIS HAS NOW SPUN THE PLATE AROUND SO THE "JESUS" IMAGE IS
RIGHT-SIDE UP FACING HER BEAU.
TERRY (CONT'D)
What in the world are you doing?!
PARIS
Nothing! I just wanted you to be
able to... see your sandwich.
TERRY GRABS THE GRILLED CHEESE UP OFF THE PLATE.
TERRY
Who gives a rat's ass?
WITH ONE BIG BITE, TERRY TEARS THE SANDWICH IN TWO. PARIS
CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT SHE'S SEEING.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
36.
TERRY (CONT'D)
I'm trying to tell you that I'm cured.
PARIS' HEAD FALLS INTO HER HANDS. DEFEATED.
TERRY (CONT'D)
What's with you?!?
PARIS SNAPS BACK WITH ANGER. EXAMINING THE REMAINING PIECES
OF BREAD.
PARIS
Terry. Damnnit, you just bit the
friggin head off Christ!
THAT'S IT. TERRY HAS SEEN ENOUGH, AND EXPLODES.
TERRY
Alright. Forget this. You and I
are through. I don't know what kind
of sick person you are, but mocking
my religious beliefs is just
disgusting.
TERRY GETS OUT FROM THE BOOTH. FUMING.
PARIS WATCHES, HELPLESSLY. SHE DRAWS A HAND DOWN HER FACE.
THE HEAD CHEF STEPS UP TO HER, WITH ANOTHER PLATE WITH A
GRILLED-CHEESE IN HIS HAND.
SIDEBAR ASSISTANT
This one kinda looks like Noah.
PARIS RAISES HER EYES TO MEET THE CHEF. THIS IS PATHETIC.
CUT TO:
INT. TRACY AND PARIS' APARTMENT - BEDROOM -- AFTERNOON
THE BED NEARLY FILLS EVERY INCH OF THE TINY BEDROOM. TRACY
AND SHAKY ED LIE ON TOP OF THE COVERS, STARING UP AT THE
CEILING.
SHAKY ED
What are you thinking?
TRACY
I'm thinking that I should turn gay.
SHAKY ED
Hasn't helped me any.
TRACY
No, I suppose not.
SHAKY ED
He hurt you pretty bad, too, huh?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
37.
TRACY
No, not him per se. I guess I just
wanted to believe that after all
these years, I'd find someone I could
believe in.
SHAKY ED
Someone who's honest.
TRACY
And open with their emotions.
SHAKY ED
Someone who wants to connect on a
deeper level.
TRACY
A soul mate?
SHAKY ED
Yeah, a soul mate.
THEY TURN AND FACE EACH OTHER. SMILES SHOW THAT A MOMENT
HAS BEEN SHARED. TRACY LEANS OVER AND GIVES ED A SHORT PECK
ON THE LIPS.
SHAKY ED (CONT'D)
A good time.
TRACY
A good roll in the hay.
CUT TO:
EXT. SMOG CHECK ONLY STATION -- AFTERNOON
PULLING TRACY'S BEAT UP CAR UP TO THE GARAGE, CAPTAIN
SINCERITY STEPS OUT AND WAVES HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE
TO FAN THE EXHAUST AWAY.
A STOCKY ATTENDANT STEPS UP TO HIM.
ATTENDANT
Can I help you?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Hi there! Yeah, I need the ol' smog
certificate on my car. Figured I'd
bring it in to your place.
ATTENDANT
Okay. Let me start filling out the
form.
THE ATTENDANT GRABS A CLIPBOARD, AND WALKS AROUND TO THE
BACK BUMPER.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
38.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Cause your place looks... honest.
Straight-up. On the totally legit
tip.
THE STONE-FACED ATTENDANT DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE ANYTHING.
INSTEAD HE SCRIBBLES DOWN THE LICENSE PLATE NUMBER.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
I've heard some places. Not yours,
but I've heard that some places, you
just pay a guy... Twenty?
THE ATTENDANT STILL GIVES NO SIGN OF INTEREST IN WHAT THE
CAPTAIN IS SAYING.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Make that fifty. $50 and you can
walk out with a clean bill of health.
No questions asked. Your car passed.
THE ATTENDANT IS OBLIVIOUS TO THE NOT-TOO-SUBTLE HINT THAT
CAPTAIN SINCERITY IS DROPPING.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
So I shouldn't bribe you.
(LAUGHING TO HIMSELF)
Or should I?
THE CAPTAIN FAKES LAUGHS SOME MORE. NO RESPONSE. HE GIVES
UP.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Should I bribe you?
ATTENDANT
I don't take bribes.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Of course not. No. We're the clean
ones. No, the crooks, we know where
they are. The bribes go to
Sacramento. Politicians. Look at
our Gov'nuh.
(PUTTING ON THE ACCENT)
Ahnuld. Let me take money from
honest folks, make them pay for smog
checks. Give to my wealthy
contributors. Ya.
(DROPPING THE ACCENT)
Boy, I'd like to stick it to him.
Cheese him off really good. Wouldn't
you?
THE ATTENDANT HAS MOVED TO THE DASH, SCRIBBLING DOWN THE
ODOMETER READING.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
39.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
You could really show him who's boss.
Pass every car. Not let him get any
fines or fees. Don't you just hate
this stuck-up actor, thinks he can
tell us what to do. These stuck up
actors, I hate 'em, don't you?
ATTENDANT
That's why I moved out here. I'm an
actor.
THE CAPTAIN CHANGES COURSE IN A FLASH.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Noble profession.
CUT TO:
EXT. TERRY'S APARTMENT -- AFTERNOON
PARIS BANGS ON THE FRONT DOOR. TERRY CRACKS THE DOOR OPEN,
BUT THE CHAIN PREVENTS IT FROM OPENING COMPLETELY.
TERRY
What are you doing here?
PARIS
You deserted me in Burbank. You
don't just drop someone like that.
TERRY
You insulted our Lord. We're through.
PARIS
Fine. Just let me grab my things.
TERRY
Now isn't a good time.
PARIS
I don't care, I want to collect my
things.
TERRY
I'll drop them off tomorrow.
FROM DEEP IN TERRY'S APARTMENT, A FEMALE VOICE.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Honey? Who's at the door?
TERRY IS FROZEN STIFF. PARIS PUSHES HARDER AGAINST THE DOOR.
PARIS
Who is that? Is someone in there
with you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40.
BEHIND TERRY, A WOMAN ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. DROPPING DOWN
ON TO THE COUCH.
WOMAN
Who is it, Terry? Let them in.
WITH MUCH DREAD, TERRY SLIDES THE CHAIN DOWN, AND OPENS THE
DOOR FOR PARIS TO ENTER.
INT. TERRY'S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS
PARIS ONLY TAKES A STEP INTO THE LIVING SPACE, BARELY ALLOWING
TERRY TO SHUT THE DOOR. THE WOMAN LOOKS UP FROM A MAGAZINE.
TERRY
Honey, this is Paris. That woman I
told you about from Sunday School.
THE WOMAN NODS.
WOMAN
Right. Hi, I'm Cheryl. Want to
have a seat?
TERRY GRABS A PAPER GROCERY BAG, SLIGHTLY HIDDEN BEHIND A
TALL PLANT.
TERRY
She doesn't have time. She just
came by to grab those leftovers from
the Church Auction.
SHOVING THE BAG INTO PARIS' HANDS.
CHERYL
Oh, that's right.
(TO PARIS)
I've been out of the country these
last few months. I would have loved
to have helped you plan it.
SOMEHOW, PARIS HAS KEPT HER COOL.
PARIS
That's too bad. You should have
been here to stop Terry from bidding
so much on our number one item.
WOMAN
Oh Terry, you didn't tell me about
this.
COMPLETELY SCREWED, TERRY MEEKLY SHRUGS.
PARIS
Yeah, we thought $500 was too high...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
41.
SHE REACHES INTO HER PURSE AND PULLS OUT A STYROFOAM TO-GO
BOX.
PARIS (CONT'D)
For a Grilled-Cheese Sandwich that
has an image of Noah. But Terry
just had to have it. And I'm going
to need that check now. Praise the
Lord.
TERRY SQUIRMS.
CUT TO:
EXT. SMOG CHECK ONLY STATION -- AFTERNOON
TRACY'S CAR IS HOOKED INTO THE SMOG-CHECKING MACHINE, AND
THE ATTENDANT READS THE DISPLAY.
HOVERING BEHIND HIM, THE CAPTAIN IS ON THE ROPES, BUT HE
WON'T GIVE UP HIS FIGHT.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
So you're an actor. Been in anything
I would have seen?
ATTENDANT
Yeah, you saw The Passion of the
Christ, right?
FOR THE TINIEST OF MOMENTS, A LOOK OF FEAR CROSSES THE
CAPTAIN'S FACE. BUT HE'S BACK ON--
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Loved it.
ATTENDANT
Yeah, what was your favorite scene?
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Oh...
(TRAPPED)
The one with Jesus. Yeah. You were
in that? Yeah, I'm starting to
remember you.
ATTENDANT
My scene was cut.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Alright. That's too bad. The
bastards.
ATTENDANT
No big deal. It didn't make much
sense in the flow of the narrative.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
42.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
No?
ATTENDANT
Well, you know how Jesus was a
carpenter? It was set up that Jesus
had built my character a table and
the legs were uneven... it rocked.
So I was asking him for a refund as
he was dragging the cross... the
whole scene didn't work.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Gosh, that... man, I'm sorry.
THE ATTENDANT RIPS THE PAPER PRINT-OUT FROM THE MACHINE.
SHAKES HIS HEAD.
ATTENDANT
Sir, your car has failed. And this
is apparently the second time this
car has failed this week.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe there's a
deal we can work out...
CUT TO:
INT. TRACY AND PARIS' APARTMENT - HALLWAY -- LATER
BURSTING IN THE DOOR, CAPTAIN SINCERITY IS ALL SMILES. HE
CHECKS IN THE LIVING AREA, THEN KITCHEN.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Tracy?
WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY, TOWARD THE BEDROOM.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Honey. I've got great news. I got
your car smog check certified!
HE SWINGS THE BEDROOM DOOR OPEN. STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Oh my God!!!
CAUGHT IN THE ACT, TRACY PUSHES SHAKY ED OFF HER, AND TO THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE BED. SHAKY ED GRABS HIS GLASSES OFF THE
BEDSIDE TABLE.
TRACY
My car passed!
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
What in the hell are you doing!?!?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
43.
SHAKY ED PULLS ONE OF THE COVERS OFF, WRAPPING IT AROUND
HIMSELF. HE PLEADS WITH THE CAPTAIN.
SHAKY ED
Buddy. Pal. Hey, I was thinking of
you the whole time.
THE CAPTAIN TURNS AWAY IN DISGUST AND EXITS.
CUT TO:
INT. TERRY'S APARTMENT -- EVENING
CHERYL AND TERRY ARE HAVING A NICE LOUD ARGUMENT.
CHERYL
$500 for a sandwich?!?! Are you
crazy?
TERRY
I'm dyslexic. I thought it was $5.
CHERYL
That sounds like a load of bull!
TERRY
But there's good news... I did some
karaoke today, and I'm cured. I can
read just fine.
CHERYL
Who gives a rat's ass!?
TERRY IS CUT OFF, BY THE FRONT DOOR KNOCKING. HE OPENS IT
TO SEE CAPTAIN SINCERITY.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Hey Terry. Could you do me favor?
I need you to return Tracy's car.
TERRY DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND. CHERYL WATCHES CLOSELY.
TERRY
Now really isn't a good time.
WITHOUT CARING, THE CAPTAIN TOSSES TRACY'S KEYS AT TERRY.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Whatever. I just caught Tracy
cheating on me. I don't want to see
her ever again. And I'd keep an eye
on Paris if I were you. She's
probably fucking around behind your
back too!
THE CAPTAIN FINALLY NOTICES CHERYL, WHO IS FOAMING AT THE
MOUTH ANGRY.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
44.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
Who's this? Your sister?
CUT TO:
INT. TRACY AND PARIS' APARTMENT - KITCHEN -- EVENING
DIGGING INTO A DEEP TUB OF BASKIN ROBBIN'S ICE CREAM, TRACY
PULLS OUT A LARGE CHUCK AND WOLFS IT DOWN.
SHE DOESN'T TURN AS THE DOOR OPENS. PARIS SEES THE ICE CREAM;
IMMEDIATELY GOES TO A DRAWER AND PULLS OUT HER OWN SPOON.
PARIS
Ice cream. You must be as miserable
as I am.
TRACY
Captain Sincerity and I broke up.
PARIS
Isn't that a good thing?
TRACY
You would think.
PARIS DIGS IN AND HELPS HERSELF TO SOME ICE CREAM.
PARIS
Terry and I are over.
TRACY
Isn't that a good thing?
PARIS
You would think.
THE TWO WOMAN ENJOY ANOTHER TASTE OF ICE CREAM IN COMPLETE
SILENCE. BEAT.
TRACY
At least one good thing happened.
PARIS
Oh yeah?
TRACY
The Captain got my car to pass the
smog check.
CUT TO:
INT. TRACY'S CAR -- EVENING
STILL FUMING, TERRY DRIVES; CAPTAIN SINCERITY RIDES SHOTGUN.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
How was I suppose to know she wasn't
your sister?
TERRY DOESN'T RESPOND. PISSED OFF.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY (CONT'D)
What a terrible day.
TERRY
At least one good thing happened.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
Oh yeah?
TERRY
Thanks to your advice to do karaoke,
I've beaten dyslexia.
ABSENTMINDEDLY, TERRY TURNS RIGHT DOWN A SIDE-STREET... RIGHT
PAST A "DO NOT ENTER" SIGN.
TERRY (CONT'D)
See, that sign says "Do Enter."
CAPTAIN S. GRABS THE DASH.
CAPTAIN SINCERITY
What are you doing? That said "Do
NOT Enter"!
TERRY
Oh hell.
TIRES SQUEAL.
CUT TO:
INT. BARNEY'S BEANERY -- DAY
WEEKS LATER, DRINKS IN HAND. TRACY AND PARIS SIT AT THE
GRUNGY BAR. BEHIND THEM, ROWS OF TELEVISION SETS SHOW MUSIC
VIDEOS AND SPORTING EVENTS.
PARIS
You needed a new car, anyway.
TRACY
Let's not talk about it.
PARIS NODS HER HEAD TOWARD SOME BOOTHS IN THE BACK.
PARIS
Those guys over there are checking
us out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46.
TRACY
There's just one thing I don't
understand.
PARIS
Come on. Let's go over by the pool
table.
TRACY
He won't take my calls, but I'd still
love to know how Captain Sincerity
got that hunk of junk to pass the
smog check...?
THE WOMEN LEAVE, BUT OUR FOCUS STAYS ON THE BAR, SLOWLY
PUSHING IN TOWARD ONE OF THE TELEVISION SETS.
ON THE SCREEN:
EXT. CEMETERY -- DAY
THE WARM GLOW OF GOLDEN LIGHTS SHIMMERS THROUGH TREES AND
TOMBSTONES.
WEARING HIS SUNDAY BEST, CARRYING A BOUQUET OF LILIES, THE
ATTENDANT FROM THE SMOG CHECK ONLY STATION STEPS UP TO A
TOMBSTONE.
WITH HEARTFELT SINCERITY.
ATTENDANT
Marie Callender made her warm country
fried steak with tender beef steak
dipped in seasoned batter, fresh
corn on the cob on the side and smooth
creamy gravy, then she died...
HE LAYS THE FLOWERS DOWN ON A TOMBSTONE.
ATTENDANT (CONT'D)
We miss you, Marie.
FADE OUT:
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