And now, let us begin....THE BIG FRIGGIN' KIDS IN THE HALL/DR WHO CROSSOVER! [Our scene opens in the TARDIS Console Room, with KEVIN dressed as the Seventh Doctor, and MARK as his companion, Tanya, dressed in a business suit and curly wig. KevinDoc looks determinedly at the scanner] KEVINDOC (in Scottish Accent): There's somebody after us! TANYA: I hope it's not my old boyfriend. Sheesh, ever since I gave up stripping to be a temp, he's been on my case. I hope we can go to Skaro, Doctor -- I hear after the Daleks left, it's now a really rad shopping mall... KEVINDOC: Keep quiet, you babbling woman! Sheesh, she makes me nostalgic for Peri. But what's coming on the scanner?.... [On the scanner, we see Kevin dressed as Master Simon Milligan, in the "Pit of Ultimate Darkness" with appropriate theme music] MASTER: Good evening, Doctor, I'm the Master in the body of Sir Simon Milligan, renegade Time Lord....and master of EVIL! Anyway, as you can see, I've created my own Pit of Dimensionally Transcendental Darkness....and now, my servant, one who is so evil he can make Rassilon soil his knickers....Manservant Hecubus! [Dave comes up in full Hecubus regalia] HECUBUS: I'm ready to serve YOU, Master, and....SATAN! [Master reacts in mock horror] KEVINDOC: What's your point? MASTER: Well, Doctor, I'm going to have my revenge on you! You have taken the bait of the Master well.... HECUBUS: So, Master, if it’s your bait, shouldn’t you say that the Doctor has taken to “Master Bait”? MASTER: EVIL! EVIL! [Both M & H are giggling naughtily, and then Simon puts on his “Evil” face] Well, Doctor, ever since I took over the body of this lame horror show host, I have been planning my revenge on you. Hecubus spilled soda all over your console and now [holds remote] I shall remove you _and_ your companion from the time stream. [Master passes button, and the console explodes into twin bursts of energy. Tanya is vaporized, but KevinDoc is knocked to the ground, and regenerates into....Buddy Cole!] BUDDYDOC (to camera): Hi there! I’m the Doctor....I’m not going to say anything. The joke is just *too* obvious....(rises up, looks at clothing, then back to camera)..Gee, you’d think my fashion taste would *improve* with each regeneration. I remember (walks over to rack of clothes in console room, and pulls Firstdoc clothing) being such a stick-in-the-mud, but I had a stick in my behind. (Throws that away, gets Seconddoc clothing) Not much of an improvement, but I had the hottest young Scottish lad onboard, so that was ok. (Throws that away, pulls velvet smoking jacket and shirt). Loved the outfit, but the stick in my behind regenerated. (throws jacket away, keeps shirt, pulls 4th Doc scarf). You know what they say about men with long scarves? (Makes saucy look to camera, throws scarf away, pulls cricketing outfit of 5thDoc) I was soooooo cute in this! Too bad I was such a polite git (throws that away, pulls coat of 6th Doc). What the hell was I thinking? (throws that off). Well, let’s cut to an external shot of the TARDIS while I change. I mean, I have to have *some* privacy [Cut to external shot of TARDIS in flight as police box, then cut back to Buddy in a modest silk shirt/vest/cravat getup, with a martini in his hand. He’s sitting in his bar stool, sipping -- and finishing -- his martini] BUDDYDOC: I *never* liked the whole dark blue police box scheme of the TARDIS. I mean, there was that *one* accident where it was light blue, but I have to fix the chameleon circuit...I mean, it’s slapped together with chewing gum wrappers and cigarette butts. [As BuddyDoc finishes his martini, a Dalek creeps up behind him] DALEK (in Bruce’s most nasal voice): I-AM-SO-DAMN- LOST! GET-ME-SOME-DOORS-MUSIC! EX-TER-MIN- ATE! [BuddyDoc casually grabs the eyestalk, flips the head of the Dalek open, and dumps the glass in. The Dalek stays still] BUDDYDOC: The *things* that you accumulate when travelling through time. Oh, well....I even found a new companion. [Cut to emergence of the towel-clad Bellini, who raises his glass of buttermilk to the audience] BUDDYDOC: I had found him on some planet....he looked at me like a stray puppy. He doesn’t speak much....but boy, can he make a martini! [In the middle of the console room materializes Bruce as Cabbage Head, only he’s wearing a spray-painted wetsuit.] CABBAGEHEAD: I am cyber Cabbage Head! I will take over the galaxy and spread my seed! BUDDYDOC: Sheesh, why are you so vulgar? I mean, *I* enjoy martinis, but I change glasses once in awhile. CABBAGEHEAD: Yeah, but my people were BORN with cabbages for heads! We *never* got any, so we ended up putting cyber- netic parts. Let me tell ya, there’s nothing the ladies like except a good cyber-boinking... BUDDYDOC: You are evil *and* sick! CABBAGEHEAD: Yeah, and I’m planning to spread my cyber- seed, if you catch my meaning. Soon, I’m going to have everyone converted to my cause. The Invasion of the Cybercabbageheads is here! 1234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345 BUDDYDOC (to camera): You know, I’d take him seriously, but he looks so goofy in a spray painted wet suit. I know that a Cybercabbage- head’s one weakness is gold, but I don’t have any *on* me. At least, none I can spare at the moment [CUT TO BELLINI, WITH A BOX IN HIS HAND. HE THROWS IT IN FRONT OF CYBERCABBAGEHEAD, AND IT INFLATES INTO A DOLL OF A CYBERCABBAGEHEAD WOMAN. CYBERCABBAGE- HEAD GRABS IT, AND DISAPPEARS). BUDDYDOC: Thanks, Bellini! (Turns to camera) I know what you’re thinking....he sure comes in handy in a crisis! And, he also always carries a towel! Hey, let’s go someplace warm and have some tropical drinks.... [EPILOGUE: WE SEE SOMEONE MONITOR ON A SCANNER BUDDY COLE/DOCTOR LYING INAN OH-SO-SKIMPY BATHING SUIT, AND BELLINI IN A LAWN CHAIR DRINKING BUTTERMILK. THE PERSON WATCHING IS TALKING OFF CAMERA; HE HAS A SLIGHTLY FAMILIAR VOICE TO KITH FANS] VOICE OVER: So, Doctor, you have regenerated and gotten another one of your nancy about companions? Well, Mister hoity-toity Time Lord, I have news for you.... [WE SEE A HAND FORM A PARTIALLY COMPLETED “OK” SIGN AND AS THE INDEX FINGER AND THUMB CLOSE ON THE DOCTOR’S HEAD, WE HEAR THE VOICE TRIUMPHANTLY DECLARE] V/O : I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD! I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD! [CRASH INTO THEME MUSIC].... Hope you enjoyed this, and please e-mail me with questions, comments, but NO SPAM, or I will hurt you. Honestly.