I saw you today in
Golden skin and goddess flesh,
And I got upset.
There seems nothing I can say or
Do. You know me--somewhat--
But my feelings pull me back
Behind a canvas, like a
painting.
Pleasures and sins I wish
To commit, words and pictures
Flash abruptly in my mind like a
Cinema grotesque. I see you with
Him, and tears struggle to
emerge.
Just an embrace, a fevered kiss,
Would make me feel some
Semblence of normality. As I
Walk amongst men, I resemble a portable
Atrocity exhibition. You have
Parts of me--secret sections of my
Soul--wrapped in the satin
Lightning that
Shimmers inside your skull.
You once forgot my name, and I
Screamed. I would be your
Puppet, and let you reenact the
Darkest highlights of your memory,
If it meant I could have you.
I want you...
...And if I can't have you,
I will burn with passion
Until I'm
Ash.
For J.S.
I can admit that all this time I have loved you--
And you never even knew.
I could not admit this to you, even as a friend,
And risking having that end.
(You'd say you like me, but not in that way).
Unrequitedness is a cacaphonic refrain
That always leaves me in a particular pain.
But if this love remained untold,
I feel my soul would just explode.
The only courage I have is that stored in this pen,
Because brave I've never been.
I know there's someone else that you really love,
And I'll just get your rebuff.
(I don't expect you to hurt him just for me).
I love you so it makes me feel I'm diseased.
But all I can do is to just keep you released.
If the anger I feel when I see you with him's a test,
Then I'll stand like a man and wish you all the best.
Princess of Darkness
She sits there in silence amongst all the violence
Of party goers moving in hordes;
Everyone seems to just walk around her
And her suit of invisible swords.
Her dress of tight nylon suffocates her figure
And her black hair is as full as a mane;
Her deep black mascara acts as a barrier
To keep her from spilling her pain.
I can't help but see her I buy her a drink and
Ask her to come with me upstairs.
She looks up from her beer and her face loses fear
As I fool her into thinking I care.
We take off our clothes and ten minutes later
We find that the bed is all messed.
I think that devotion's an impractical emotion
As we both get up and get dressed.
In my class Monday I heard that on Sunday
That girl, well she slit her wrists.
I ask Jennifer out all calm and collected
While clenching internal fists.
She was a princess of darkness seemingly harmless
I thought that I was playing her game,
One way or another I found out I loved her
And I never really knew her name.
For Lauren
You entered my life a
Familiar mystery, a riddle that
I desired to solve.
You smiled an uncertain
Smile and said hello,
Never sure if I was
Sincere or psychotic.
I soon found myself
Gradually attracted to you for all you were
Not. It was emotionally safe--I never knew
Exactly who you were, if you were involved with someone
Else--whatever I wished you to be
Was what you were. Any
Fictions I could imagine were more
Eloquent and convincing than any
Argument I could verbalize or any piece of
Physical evidence.
But now I stand, trying to
Decide--dare I risk making
Emotional contact? Or do I
Remain within my self-created
Hades? I do not know,
Nor sure I ever
Will, and I am
Torn asunder.
A Sonnet For Jennifer
I find myself doing this quite often:
Exposing too late the things that I feel.
This sonnet, I hope, will help to soften
The emotions that inside me congeal.
Hopefully, Jennifer, this recent news
Won't persuade you to retire as my friend.
For me, love has done nothing but abuse
And aggravate pain which will never end.
To talk to you, I use a certain style,
Disguising my emotions without fail:
To your face, flash a suicidal smile;
But when you leave, cry tears of self-blackmail.
For I am just a coward, except when
I hide behind the courage of a pen.
Temptation
She smiles at me, her
Sunset orange lipstick illuminating the
Abyss of a darkened room. I run my fingers through her
Bronze fire hair, and she wraps herself
Around me like a
Shirt. We kiss, and fire courses
Liquidly through my nervous
System. Her breast, pressed against mine,
Encourages my heart to beat faster.
She takes off her wedding ring and
Discards it like the gumball machine
Trinket it is. Soon, we go to bed, and I am a
Surrogate for her desire for her husband. She, in
Return, teaches me the
Difference between getting
Laid and making
Love. Every permutation of
Sin that can be done is
Performed. Afterwards,
We get dressed and leave,
Smiles of desperation
Swiftly molded onto our
Faces.
We both know we will
Never see each other
Again.
Aftermath
I saw the signs, I heard the words,
But I chose to ignore;
You won't try, you claim things aren't
that simple anymore.
I come to you, defenses down,
So weakened from the fight,
And now you claim that it's too late,
I should have had foresight.
(Recriminations linger in the air,
Flooding my every sense.
I can hear it screaming from your stare
In the accusing silence.)
You seem so old, your eyes are dark
From anger life-depleting
I touch your hand, you turn away
The pattern keeps repeating.
You list all the responsibilities
That you claim I've dodged;
I can feel our past becoming
Broken and dislodged.
(We face the ways that do not intercept
And slowly walk away.
I cry a tear and aware of the fear
There's nothing left to say.)