Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?

A: A canoe tips. ~~~~~~~~~

If I were married to Hillary, I’d cheat too! ~~~~~~~~~

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered & went up on stage. The magician told him to pick up the 16 lb. sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block & break the block apart with the sledgehammer, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real. So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you". The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine...I promise you...go ahead." "Well,", the man replied, "OK here goes." Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magicians face. The result was very bloody. The magicians nose was crushed, teeth fell out, blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!" ~~~~~~~~~

What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception.

A survey of 1000 American women and men revealed this as their least favorite household chore. What is it? Vacuuming the stairs.

It is estimated that 9 out of 10 American women do this with their feet. Wear shoes at least 2 sizes too narrow.

In a recent survey, Americans were asked what one modern convenience they could not live without. The most common answer... Scotch tape.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it? Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? No theme song.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

The average person will spend approximately one year out of their lifetime doing this. What is it? Searching for lost or misplaced items.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession

Most executives say this automatically eliminates a candidate from job consideration - what is it? A typo in their resume.

More women do this in the bathroom than men. Wash their hands.Women - 80% Men - 55%

If you're single, there's a 2 in 3 chance you did this the last time you were with your significant other. Lied.

It takes an average person about 7 minutes to do this. Fall asleep.

What is the most common name in the world? Mohammed

What do 100% of all lottery winners do? Gain weight.

Surveys reveal that girls do this for the first time in their back yard. First kiss.

A "Bridal Guide" survey reveals that 77% of all newlywed couples do this. Sex in rooms other than the bedroom.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell. Banana

It takes an average woman 14 minutes to do this after she gets in bed. Turn off the lights.

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand

The odds are 1 in 2 that your best friend will do this if you are a married man. Fantasize about your wife.

Hockey legend Wayne Gretsky does this for good luck. Only tucks in the right side of his jersey.

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

Some Men are pee pee shy in public. Experts agree that this will help them go. Multiply numbers in their head.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men. Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous. A kiss

What first went on sale to the public in pharmacies on May 9, 1960? Birth control pills

42% of all women over the age of 26 who have done this, never get married. Had an affair with a married man.

Who is "Lisa Gheradini"? DaVinci's Mona Lisa

This is the only food that doesn't spoil. Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year. Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.

The average woman spends 2.7 years of her life where? In the bathroom.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this? Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this. Wear underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide? A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting? Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"? Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this. Cheating on their spouse.

What's unique about the Beatle's song "Eleanor Rigby"? The Beatles did not play a single note in the song. ~~~~~~~~~

DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:

Nowadays it seems like they want... other women. No, uhh... some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe, think women want from men.

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as "life-givers" and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at . . . say Carl, the brain-dead jag off in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo . . . .

FIVE- Number 5 is very important. During love making, don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Cousteaux, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big, fucking diamond the size of your head? ~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A. At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What food best describes most men?
A. Jerky.

Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A. Women working at 900 numbers.

Q. How is a man like a used car?
A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover, and a stimulating partner?
A. In the pages of a romance novel.

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A. Exchange him.

Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A. No phone numbers.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract. ~~~~~~~~~

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. -- Steven Wright ~~~~~~~~~

From: David Letterman
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed ‘til after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. ~~~~~~~~~

Bumper Sticker Honk if you love peace and quiet ~~~~~~~~~

===========================

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult," the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." ~~~~~~~~~

Brian, a "cool" teenage boy continually challenges his conservative father by, wanting to have his ears pierced or his hair dyed. "Dad," he asked, "Would it be okay if I had S-T-U-D shaved in the back of my head?" "Sure," came his Father's quick reply. "But only if you add a Y to it." ~~~~~~~~~

One year during her summer vacation the bionic woman decided to take a long train ride. She entered her berth and had not noticed that the man in the berth above hers was peeping through the curtains. The man was quite taken aback to see her remove her wig, false eyelashes, a glass eye, padded brassiere, a mechanical hand and a bionic leg. When she turned around to pull up the covers she saw the Peeping Tom and cried out in alarm. "Oh my goodness what do you want?" "Lady you know exactly what I want", he grinned, "when you unscrew your pussy, make sure that you toss it up here." ~~~~~~~~~

One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint "help me, help me". She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and picks up the frog. "Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me home and put me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince." So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the morning is a handsome prince. You don't believe that? Neither did her mother! ~~~~~~~~~

Murphy's Household Laws
A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved

Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one

A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one

The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed

The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage

Three children plus two cookies equals a fight

The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers

The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature

The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers

What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal

~~~~~~~~~

Q. What has 18 legs and 2 tits?
A. The supreme court. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood?
A. By the dead horses on cinderblocks in the front yard ~~~~~~~~~

The Wisdom of STEVEN WRIGHT

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

He was a multimillionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were they mad!

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke? ~~~~~~~~~

IS ANYONE LISTENING??????

CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

============================

It was announced that 50-year-old George Foreman is going to fight 49-year-old Larry Holmes on Jan. 23. "This could be the first fight in history ever to be stopped due to prostate problems." (Jay Leno) ~~~~~~~~~

There was this guy who wanted to cross the desert on a camel but didn't have much money, so he went down to cheap Joe's Camel rental and asked for a camel. Joe asked him for $30 but the guy only had $20, so Joe lent him his worst camel for $20 and guaranteed it would last 5 days without water. The guy starts off and after 2 days the camel dies. The guy manages to make it back to Joe's and he asked Joe what went wrong. Joe asked him if he cracked the camel, but the guy didn't know what he meant.

Joe took the guy to his next camel and showed him what he meant. Joe took to bricks and smashed the camel's balls between them. The camel inhaled very hardly (the camel was drinking when he was smashed) and the camel drank so much water when he was smashed that now he could travel for 3 more days without water. The guy asked Joe if that hurt and Joe said "only if you get your finger between the bricks. ~~~~~~~~~

I heard that they will be renaming the Los Angeles National Airport, now commonly called LAX...
.so will it soon be called ex-LAX? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ~~~~~~~~~

A COMPLETE LIST OF FORTUNE COOKY SAYINGS...

Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind.

No difference between man and mouse - both end up in pussy.

Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!

If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.

Man with athletic fingers make Broad Jump!

House without toilet is uncanny.

Many men smoke but Fu Manchu.

He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.

While others are inside sitting down, you will be outstanding.

Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!

Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.

Man who go out with flat chested woman feel shallow.

Man that have sex with hole in ground have piece on earth.

Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring.

Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky.

Man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money.

Wife for life is better than wife for strife.

Those who quote me are fools.

Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Work to become, not to acquire.

Show off always shown up in showdown.

Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock.

Man with no legs bums around.

Man who pull out too fast leave rubber.

Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Find old man in dark, not hard!

Confucius say too God damn much!

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose.

When in doubt, whip it out.

A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts.

Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

War doesn't determine who's right, war determines who's left.

Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

Girl who is wallflower at party is dandelion in bed.

Girl who go to bachelor pad for snack get tit-bit.

Man have more hair on chest than woman - but on the whole woman have more.

Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

========================

.. When Reagan was president, all we had to worry about was The White House buying china - now it's the other way around... ~~~~~~~~~

The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years. ~~~~~~~~~

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just to tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me....they were cramming for their finals.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, do you have a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, its for company." ~~~~~~~~~

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind." ~~~~~~~~~

A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible," the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, asshole," the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?" ~~~~~~~~~

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive. ~~~~~~~~~

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you - you're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!" ~~~~~~~~~

Birthdays only come once a year... aren't you glad you're not a birthday? ~~~~~~~~~

TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last 20 minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends all about it afterwards.

And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...

1. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a Jewish girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A. No makeup. ~~~~~~~~~

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport! ~~~~~~~~~

Wife to Husband: Why do you keep reading our marriage license?
Husband to wife: I'm looking for a loophole! ~~~~~~~~~

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~~~~~~~~~

80 year old Bessie Reingold bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough". ~~~~~~~~~

A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow. ~~~~~~~~~

Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. ~~~~~~~~~

A day without sunshine is like night. ~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" ~~~~~~~~~

The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location. A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without knowing the combination; in Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill. ~~~~~~~~~

Mitchell's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He manages to drive himself the nearest hospital's emergency room. The doctor says, "Oh my God! Reattachment surgery on so many lost digits has never been attempted before! But don't worry, I'm the best surgeon in the hospital, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Mitchell says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven t got the fingers? It's 1998, We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn’t you bring the fingers?" Mitchell says, "Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't exactly pick the fuckin' things up!" ~~~~~~~~~

I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair. ~~~~~~~~~

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.... ~~~~~~~~~

Lil' Johnny's father saw his 4 year old son make a mess while taking a pee and decided to teach him the right way to pee. He called his son aside and said, "Johnny, follow these steps when you go to the toilet:"

1) Open your zip.
2) Pull your tool out.
3) Pull back the foreskin.
4) Pee.
5) Push the skin back.
6) Zip up your pants.
The next day, his father walked by the bathroom and heard his son following the six steps, "one, two, three, four, five, six." Eleven years later, Lil' Johnny's father, wondering if his son still is following the six steps, passed the bathroom. He heard his son saying, "one, two, three, five, three, five, three, five, three, five, three, five, three, five, ...., three, five, three, aaahhhhh!!! four, five, six." ~~~~~~~~~

Four homosexuals were inseperable friends when one of them passed away from AIDS. The other three are wondering what to do with their old friend.

The first queer says, "Let's have him cremated, then we can put his ashes above the mantel!" The other two queers weren't to keen to the idea.

The second queer speaks up, "Why don't we donate his body to science and maybe his body can help discover a cure for AIDS?" This also was not met with great enthusiasm. Finally, the last queers speaks up and says, "Let's eat him."

The other two queers are appalled. "Really, let's eat him! I just want to feel him sliding out of my ass one more time!" ~~~~~~~~~

Old is always fifteen years older than I am. ~~~~~~~~~

Classic story of the 3 little pigs...first pig is in his house of straw...big bad wolf comes up "I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll BLLLOOW your house down!" The wolf, being a man of his word DOES IT! The first pig runs to the second pigs house of wood and tells him what happened, and says, "the wolf is on his way HERE!" They lock the door....wolf shows up. same crapola...Huffs and Puffs and BLOWSSSS the house of wood down! The 2 pigs flee to the 3rd pig's big 3 family Bensonhurst brick job with the Madonna in the yard and the whole thing...they tell him, "the wolf blew down our houses and he is coming here next!"

"Sit down take a load off," says the 3rd pig. "NO! He's coming! GET OUT OF HERE!!" they scream. "Relax," says #3, "lemme make a call...you guys have a beer." He picks up the phone and mumbles something. hangs up, sits down, and turns on the Home shopping club. "Are you nuts?" they say. "LOOK!" The first 2 pigs are at the window, terrified. "Here comes the WOLF!!" Just as the wolf gets to the walk way, a black Lincoln Town Car pulls up, three pigs in fedoras get out and machine gun the wolf to pieces! The first 2 pigs say, "Wow! Who are THOSE guys??" The third pig smiles and says: "Those are the 3 little GUINEA pigs." ~~~~~~~~~

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. ~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs? A: Take him out for a drag... ~~~~~~~~~

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!" ~~~~~~~~~

The buck doesn't even slow down here! ~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the barking lot! Get it? The barking lot! Arf! Arf!

~~~~~~~~~

Under Kibbutz (a cooperative settlement of farmers in Israel), this tale:

"If you want to live forever," Fischel Farkes told his very rich cousin living in Haifa, "come to live in our little kibbutz." "Is it THAT beautiful?" "Beautiful? It's the ugliest town you ever saw in your whole life!" "Well. is the CLIMATE that good?" asked the cousin. "The climate is, without a doubt, absolutely terrible. Maybe the worst in Israel!" "Then why in God's name do you urge me to live there?" The cousin spluttered. Look at the statistics!" exclaimed Farkis. "Not ONCE has a rich man died here."

===========================

Two ladies met on the Grand Concourse [the most beautiful street in the Bronx]. Mrs. Sonn carrying her groceries, and Mrs. Komer pushing a pram with two little boys in it. "Good morning," said Mrs. Sonn. "Such darling little boys! So how old are they?" "The doctor," kvelled Mrs. Komer, "is three, and the lawyer is two." ~~~~~~~~~

[Heard on "Cartalk" on NPR.] Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test. Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone. ~~~~~~~~~

Oh Shit! Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. Consider: You can be shit-faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit, or just shit your life away. People can be shit-headed, shit-brained, shit-blinded, or shit over. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, and limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn't stink, while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit, or slower than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times you can't find shit at all. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up Shit Creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit. There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit, and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit, or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit, and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG, but rather a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else. ~~~~~~~~~

Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs. ~~~~~~~~~

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor¹s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day. - - The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with- my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and- she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the stupid jar open!" ~~~~~~~~~

Retiring from a big corporate job in LA, Marvin moves to Tel Aviv. (So nu, you were thinking maybe he'd move to a kibbutz?) Wanting to contribute to nation-building somehow he focuses on stock-trading, the only vocation he knows. But, to commute to his new humble penthouse office, he refuses to drive a Mercedes like everyone else so he buys himself ... a camel. Every night Marvin parks his camel in the garage under his Tel Aviv Condo and the next morning he mounts the camel for the commute to his new office in Ramat Gan. One day Marvin comes down to the parking garage and the camel is gone... stolen! He calls the police who arrive within minutes. The first question is "What color was your camel?" Marvin replies he doesn't remember, "Probably camel colored I guess... sort of brownish-greyish." "And how many humps on your camel?' asks the policeman. "Who counts humps... one, maybe two, I don't know for sure." "And the height of the camel, sir?" "What's with these dumb questions? Marvin asks. "The camel was about three feet taller than I am. So maybe 9 feet, 10 feet. I can't be certain." "Just one last question to complete my report, sir. Was the camel male or female?" "Ah, that I know for sure he was a male." "How can you be so certain of his sex when you don't remember anything else about your camel" asks the policeman. "Well," says Marvin, "everyone knows he's a male. Every day I'd ride the camel to work through the streets of Tel Aviv and people would stop and say to each other .... 'Look at the schmuck on that camel!' " ~~~~~~~~~

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. ~~~~~~~~~

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. ~~~~~~~~~

My Wife-The Chef
* The Missus is kind of an old-fashioned cook. In fact, to this very day, she still makes radio dinners. - - - - -

* Some of her miscues come in handy though. The other morning I was able to patch a tire on the tractor with one of her pancakes. - - - - -

* Every nite, The Missus calls me to dinner exactly the same way: "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it." - - - - -

* I love steaks, the T-Bone steaks she fixes aren't bad at all. Well... once you put tenderizer on the gravy. - - - - -

* I gotta admit though her coffee is good and strong. Of course, I have to use two hands to dunk my doughnuts. - - - - -

* I can always tell when we're having salads for dinner. None of the smoke alarms in the house are going off. - - - - -

* And she comes up with some interesting meals too. The other day for breakfast, we had marinated Cornflakes. - - - - -

* To say that her cooking is an nightly adventure is putting it mildly. I mean how many of the rest of you have ever seen a microwave grease fire ? - - - - -

* Ever since she read that salmon is good for the heart, she serves it quite often. Oddest thing though -- twice a year I have this strange urge to swim upstream and spawn.

============================== There was once geneticist who made a tree Instead of growing fruit the tree grew vaginas. The man was so proud, that he planted it in his front yard. The neighbors didn't like this one bit. They got together and found a lawyer that would sue the man for having the vagina tree. The geneticist refused all orders from the court. After several defiant moves, the court sentenced him to death. On the execution block the man is asked if he has any last words. He replies: "I regret I have but one life for my 'cunt tree'." ~~~~~~~~~

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!" ~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do you call a Scotsman in a world cup final?
A. A referee. ~~~~~~~~~

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that. ~~~~~~~~~

I want to be six again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money 'cause you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips.

I want to be happy because I don't know what should make me upset.

I want to think the world is fair, and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, starving and abused kids, and unhappy marriages.

I want to be six again.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever because I don't know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life, and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something I use for escape from the things I should be doing.

I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.

I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet, and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the car.

I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up, not worry what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want that time back. I want to use it now as an escape. So that when my computer crashes, I have a mountain of paperwork, two depressed friends, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together. What I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth?

I want to be six again.