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Personal Testimony of Carla Graham
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From time to time I still ask myself if I am a ‘grown-up’, if I am mature, if I am normal, and if so, when did it happen? It has been my unrelenting ambition to progress, to grow, to be mentally and emotionally healthy, in fact, to EXCEL in all of these.
The prevailing force in my life has been shame; the need to apologize for the space I occupy, striving to justify my existence. I suffered with a lack of identity, and was void of purpose. I exhibited the symptoms of numerous disorders long before their names became household words.
Most of the books I’ve read, and counseling I have received describe sexual abuse, especially in children, as a soul-destroying event, robbing an individual not only of human dignity--but of the very thing God Himself promised never to violate, human will.
I don’t know when the abuse began. The first incident I recall seemed already a way of life. There was no violence, and usually no struggle, just a very commonplace occurrence with someone I lived close to, and was entrusted to.
My parents were protective, but obviously trusted this relative as a some-time babysitter and caretaker. The abuse went on for some nine years. The day it ended I remember clearly. I spent the afternoon locked in the bathroom at age thirteen. I cried and begged him to leave. It’s the last time I had to say no. He never tried again. It is not the last time I cried however.
I was a fearful child, but determined, and very independent. I vowed that my parents would never know. I vowed I would do everything right, so that I would feel no shame, and someone would be proud of me.
I didn’t interact with others, and rarely spoke. Words were not there. I was easily hurt, tears came frequently, and there was no understanding of my emotions. I had no skills to express myself.
There were songs and prayers, daydreams and desires, but none were shared. My life was very private, very secretive. It was my way of punishing the world--denying it access to me.
Adolescence, along with relationships, was difficult and confusing. Perfectionism and fear of rejection controlled me. I could not be what I thought I should be. I loathed myself.
At fourteen I publicly acknowledged my need and desire for Jesus. I cried a flood of tears in a small church. I was so desperate for God. And for the next ten, or twenty years I tried everything imaginable to fix myself. My goal to be normal led me through battles with obsessive thoughts, destructive behavior, controlling relationships, and endless condemnation.
Because I was a Christian, I never missed a church service, and kept up a good front. I did love the Lord, and didn’t want to cast a bad light on Him. I kept my struggles to myself, didn’t talk about things that were eating away at my insides. I had become overweight, depressed, angry, and confused. I sensed people withdrawing from me, so I kept trying out new “personalities” to stay in good graces with people I admired.
In 1974, my body and emotions failed me. At the time it was called a ‘nervous breakdown’. The doctor simply told me I would have to learn to talk about things that bothered me. He gave me a shot, and after I slept a day or two away, my senses returned.
The thought of talking with another person about my personal issues literally caused a burning in my chest. I did not seriously consider what he had said. I did not have the strength to open myself up.
After college, I continued to construct the “perfectly normal” Christian life. I managed to lose a lot of weight through some bulimic behavior, had a teaching job, was involved in a community theater, worked in the church, and thought it was time for a husband. I had sifted through many possibilities, many disappointments, and much grief.
When I did eventually meet and marry my husband, it seemed like the first of many good things that would happen to me. It had nothing to do with planning, or role-playing…it was God’s grace, His hand moving over my life.
After six years of marriage and two children, emotional pressures had built up again, and I felt cornered. I was distant, irritable, resistant, and untouchable. Kyle told me he could not stand the rejection any more. I didn’t want to lose him, and knew it was imperative that I tell him all my secrets. Real healing began. I was more able to give myself to my husband, and to God.
I had always enjoyed acting, whether on stage, or in life. Hiding behind another character was a coward’s way of self-expression. There is no responsibility to take that way.
In 1989, I began to hunger after God in a more intense way, and He was right there to satisfy that hunger. In fact, He was initiating that hunger and was encouraging me to come closer. It seemed that every prayer meeting, every Bible Study, every service, God would overwhelm me with His Spirit. He touched me so deeply, so many times. I felt so loved, and so cherished. I began to testify that He could, really, change your life, change your perspective, and change your attitude. He changed the way I saw myself. I saw that He wanted me to be His servant, and He would allow me to do it in a way I love. He purged me of the poison I had inside, sanitized me, and gave me permission to go forth.
The Bible characters I portray are bathed in creative possibilities. I have seen God put His finger on deep hurts and say, “That is what I want to heal”. He is able to minister in areas that are very shameful, because I am able to stand and proclaim that my shame has been taken away.
I could not pretend to be Rahab the prostitute, unless I knew God had done a complete work in those areas of compromise in my own life. I couldn’t be the “woman at the well” and speak of five failed marriages, unless I knew it was His desire to lovingly touch and restore hearts. Neither could I pretend to be Mary of Bethany as she bathed the Lord’s feet with the ointment and her tears, unless I too, have that life of worship and adoration for Him.
Drama is not just a fun thing to do, or another tactic that might work. It has all become very real in prayer and preparation; it is a life of ministry that I am grateful God has given me.
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