Please forgive my spelling errors!! My grandson was born when I was hospitalized for neutrophilia.  This photo was taken the first time I could hold him.   Not that you would notice how happy I am to be a grammy.

You may have already figured out by my hair style that I have had treatment for cancer.  The type of cancer I have is CUP or cancer of unknown primary.  This type of cancer affects only 3% to 5% of cancer patients.  Most of my treatment is for comfort, not for a cure.  This cancer has already spread or it would not have been found.  Survival rates have only been studied for five years and are very low but I'm not counting out miracles.

I had originally written the story of all the tests I've had, but I decided it would be more important to let people know about the things that no one told me about, or if they did, I did not hear them.

The nurse did warn me about losing the hair on my head.  Once it starts to fall out, have it shaved really short.  Ask a friend to shave it.  My friend, Harriet, and I laughed during the deed.  It is not always easy to look like you are starting basic training but a good sense of humor sure does help.

We all know that with some Chemo there is hair loss.  It is easy to envision the cancer patient as bald.  What you may not think about is that ALL of your hair goes (including pubic hair).  Also once you lose your hair your wig may not fit.  My biggest surprise was losing the hair in my nose. There also can be problems with finger nails.  This did not show up on me until after I stopped Chemo in September.  My nails broke off during December.

There is also the problem of being cold.  I have been told that you can get cold from the Chemo.  My temperature remained at 97 degrees while I was taking chemo.  Also, if you lose your hair you lose a lot of heat through your head.  I would reach up to pull my hair over my ears to warm them at night before I realized I was bald.

The biggest problems that I had were psychological problems..  

Telling those that I love was very, very hard.  The hardest was telling my daughter that I had cancer after her baby shower.  Another problem I had was with the port.  When the port was inserted in my chest I could not touch it and did not want anything else to touch it except for the nurses doing chemo and blood work.  I would hold my car seat belt so it would not touch it and when my family hugged me I would pull back for fear I would feel something there.  I'm not sure what caused that feeling, but I'm over it now.  I also became afraid of my body.  I was afraid to cut my own toenails.  I felt that my body had betrayed me once and could do it again if I made a mistake.  I was afraid to shower - what if I fell and broke something.  These fears became worse when I started to have neuropathy (numbness in my hands and feet).  The last fear is one that we probably all suffer.  Every time something different happens with our body we will immediately think it is the return of cancer.

Except for the last fear, I have successfully dealt with these little psychological problems.

I started chemo again on January 18, 2001.  I have already started to lose my hair.  My friend, Harriet, was good enough to shave my head for me.  Hold on to a friend like this!!  Someone who can help you to laugh through some things and joins you when you have to cry about the other things.

I sincerely hope that you seek out as much information about cancer that you can.  I also hope the information I've provided about myself can help you a bit.

Any kind comments (and constructive criticism) can be sent by email to waynemary2001@yahoo.com

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