Laughlines
Compiled by Rebecca P. Pearce
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Bottled Water ~ 2 for $4 (Limit 1)
~ Ad in Eckerd's newspaper circular 6-10-01
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Today is National Education Support Personnel Day.
We would like to offer a special salute to Mr. Larabee, who came out of retirement to monitor our junior high lunchroom. Hope that nervous tick you developed during our stay eventually went away, Mr. Larabee.
~ News and Observer FYI, November 1994. (We also hope that "tic" hadn't been out running around with any Rocky Mountain spotted fever viruses.)
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The world of sports.
And it was even more difficult to exercise patients after Rudd's run, said Gordon, "because I didn't think anyone could beat him.".
~ News and Observer, Sports. ("Patients" always wuz hard to exercise.)
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Time out on the road.
Lumbering out of six buses, the campers, carrying pillows and dragging duffle bags, didn't seem phased by the sudden change in plans. In less than an hour, they were tossing beach balls, spinning hula hoops and singing camp tunes.
~ News and Observer (probably had decided that "fazes" were for moons).
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Landmark threatened.
A stove fire at the Quaker House Restaurant on Main Street in Woodland came during the noon lunch hour. No one was injured, and fire personnel contained the fire, preventing the loss of the building and its contents. The smoke-filled restaurant gave an eerie presents with the tables set with food and no one around.
~ Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald (and those "presents" weren't even the Christmas kind)
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Demery's pending arrival has attracted attention that had been largely absent during the prosecution of Daniel Green. And the prospect of more grizzly news from Lumberton is making some people in town uneasy.
~ News and Observer ("bearing" down in a bloody murder trial).
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Owen Phillips says it's time for he and the school board to start talking about his departure sooner than his 1998 contract expiration.
~ The News and Observer (if him really said that, him really might have to leave that school job in a hurry).
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One Habitat for Humanity house is great, two is OK, but three on one lot in an East Raleigh neighborhood is too much, residents say.
~ The News and Observer (come to think of it ~ maybe one are not so hot either).
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Police ID mailbox vandalism suspects.
The Northampton County Sheriff's Department is continuing to investigate a spree of damage to mailboxes that occurred Sept. 21 in the Creeksville and Potecasi areas. According to Detective Brady Abrams, a number of mailboxes were damaged when hit with a baseball bat that night.
He said, "There were at least 46 mailboxes confirmed as being damaged by the Sheriff's Department and the U.S. Post Offices in Woodland and Conway."
~ Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald (somebody will have to do something about that sheriff's department and those post offices).
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For the drivers of the boats (in the regatta), the shaking sometimes can turn nasty. Sarge Johnson of Maryland flipped his boat while negotiating a turn Saturday, after the race had been restarted following a brief halt because of bad weather. Johnson was fortunate enough to walk away from the accident.
~ News and Observer (walking away from a flipped boat attests to real faith).
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Yard sale.
Sat., Sept. 21. Antiques, silver, furn., tools, air compressor, photo equip., wife, books, clothes, Mercedes, old barbour's chair, much more. Priced to sell. Buckingham Rd., off Lake Boone Trail.
~ News and Observer classifieds (old wives and old barbours never did get much respect).
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In Nash County, a woman riding in a van on I-95 died about 1 p.m. after her vehicle stalled in the middle of a 4-foot-deep torrent, perhaps from a heart attack.
~ News and Observer (it's not often a heart attack will stall a vehicle ~ maybe it had a stroke).
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Some readers were offended at Saturday's column in which I brazenly adopted the voice of an imaginary Mother Nature and wrote off Hurricane Floyd as a non-event. I apologize for seeming to belittle the suffering of many in the eastern part of the state . . . . I was trying to portray a Mother Nature I understand to be pretty unconcerned with human tragedy. The fact that I used that voice doesn't mean I share her callousness.
~ News and Observer columnist Susanna Rodell (oh, susanna! we knew all along it was Mother Nature being spiteful ~ and not you).
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Then, as the carousel slows, it reverts back again.
~ News and Observer (well, at least that's better than reverting forward again).
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, then do women talk to them when they leave their boyfriend's behind to go to the bathroom?
~ Newsprint source unknown ( . . . oh, those wandering apostrophes).
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Chief seeks assistants with thefts.
~ Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald (chief, those kinds of assistants are mighty hard to find).
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A dash of hyphen.
A headline on Aug. 3 really needed a hyphen. Are you short of them? The headline said: "Potbellied pig lovers get together to chew the fat." It should have said either (1) "Potbellied-pig lovers get together" or (2) "Potbellied pig-lovers get together." Or were you just leaving it up to us readers to do our own compounding"
~ News and Observer letter to the editor
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Found.
Very small, white male, good-natured. Found New Hill, Holly Springs area. Call.
~ News and Observer classified ad.
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It is also the only place in the county where a U.S. president has stopped and talked. President Benjamin Harrison stopped briefly in Margarettsville while traveling through by train on a hot day. He is said to have strolled to a shady spot on the lawn of the Spivey home near the railroad tracks, where he talked informally to a small crowd gathered there in his rolled-up shirt sleeves and red suspenders.
~ Roanoke-Chowan News-Herald (small crowd or not, that must have been a packed pair of shirt-sleeves and suspenders).
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Volunteers needed!
Are there times when you require very little sleep? Do you have periods of feeling unusually cheerful? Do you have sudden urges to go shopping? Are you unusually sociable at times? Do you ever have unlimited or uncontrollable energy? ~ If you have been bothered by any of these symptoms in the past three months, are between the ages of 18 and 75 and would like to participate in a free treatment program, call Martha Payne at Duke University Medical Center.
~ Duke University advertisement in local newspaper (what would be the treatment for symptoms like those ~ depression pills?).
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Will (Jerry) Springer tow the line?
~ TV Guide headline (no ~ not unless they lasso his leg).
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Rebecca Parker Pearce
with Ecclesiastes, her cat