ELMO ON THE TELEPHONE
©2001 James David Pearce
"Clem," said Elmo, "do you remember all the jokes they used to tell about the WPA ~ about how when there was a ditch to be dug, they would hire six fellows ~ and there would be one guy down in the ditch digging, and five others standing around leaning on shovels and watching?"
"Why, yes, now that you mention it, I do," responded Clem, "and I never really thought it was altogether fair, because ditch-digging is mighty hard work. And the WPA didn't pay a whole lot. Why do you bring up this subject?"
"Well, Clem," said Elmo, "I've been noticing here lately that when they dig a new ditch, there will be one fellow down there digging ~ and at least four of the other five will be standing around talking on cell phones."
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"Clem," said Elmo, "I think that while I have been sitting here waiting for you to mail that letter, I have come up with the solution."
"The solution?" asked Clem.
"Yeah, well, you know, the solution to the problem of cell phones being everywhere and interfering with everything ~ like driving and turning corners and stopping for red lights ~ and digging ditches, and such."
"Well," said Clem, "I'm sure the world at large is going to be glad to hear about that, because it has been the subject of much high-level discussion recently ~ even to the extent that some places have even passed laws to regulate them when the steering wheel should be in use.
"Now, tell me, Elmo, just what conclusions you have reached that will solve the problem of tiny telephones that require two hands to operate ~ while other things need to be done."
"Well, Clem, right after you went through that Post Office door to mail your letter ~ and the door closed behind you ~ there came another fellow who parked right beside me, in a big SUV.
"He got out of that vehicle with several letters stacked in his left armpit and one of those phones in his left hand.
"By the time he got to the door, he was holding the letters with his left armpit, holding the phone with his left hand, and starting to punch numbers with the fingers of his right hand.
"The only things he had free then were his right elbow and alternately one of his feet, with which he was engaged in trying to move himself along on the sidewalk and up the steps to the entrance patio.
"Clem, he had a hard time getting that door open with his right elbow, and then he had to maneuver his right shoulder up against it until he could get his right foot in there and kick it open wide enough to put his whole body through.
"And then when he got into the entrance-way, that spring-loaded door came back pretty strongly and popped him a hard one on his big backside.
"And right then was where I came up with the answer to the problem."
"Well, Elmo, that really is nice to know," responded Clem, "but you are skirting the issue ~ you haven't even started to tell me the answer."
"Oh, I will, Clem, I will," said Elmo, taking one hand off the steering wheel long enough to hold his pipe out the window, so he could knock out the burnt tobacco against the car door ~ and stop coughing.
"You see, Clem, when you are driving ~ as I am now ~ your vehicle needs your undivided attention. You shouldn't be doing odd-ball things that occupy both hands at the same time they should be occupied tending to your steering mechanism ~ or trying to get you through a spring-loaded closed door."
"That is a really good point, Elmo," said Clem.
"So, Clem, what I see now as plain as day is the fact that the only solution is to do something with the phone itself. It's pretty obvious that people are not going to stop using them, and I am not even sure that would be a good idea if they did. Leaving the phone on the seat and plugging a speaker in your ear is not the best answer, because you can get your hands tangled in the wires and the speaker will be falling out of your ear about half the time.
"So," continued Elmo, "what we have to do is put the phone inside ~ out of harm's way, so to speak."
"Inside?" asked Clem.
"Right," said Elmo. "Inside the user."
"Elmo, are you saying put a telephone inside a human being?"
"Exactly," said Elmo. "And don't get so overwrought now.
"Think about it. They put pacemakers inside people, don't they? And insulin pumps? And hernia patches.
"And you know it wouldn't work to hook it on outside your head or something. You couldn't take a shower ~ or sweat. You couldn't go swimming on a hot day."
"But, Elmo, where would you put it? Where would you put the talking part? And the listening part?"
"I've given that a little thought," said Elmo. "Haven't had a lot of time yet to work out all the details, but ~ you remember that bicycle gear-shifter I invented, don't you?"
"Right," said Clem, "but a gearshift on a bicycle isn't exactly a telephone inside a human's head. There are going to have to be a whole lot more details."
"Well," said Elmo, "I believe I could put the working part ~ with the battery ~ in the chest, or belly ~ maybe under the armpit.
"Then I could thread a wire up inside the neck to the listening device in one ~ or both ~ ears."
"Making progress," said Clem, suddenly beginning to take an interest. "How about the microphone ~ the part you talk into? Where would that go?"
"Now, the ear and the nose are connected, you know," said Elmo. "And even the mouth has some contact along that line.
"The way I see it, I could connect the ear-speaker to a little microphone or two down around where the nose opens out to the air ~ and when you opened your mouth to talk, the sound would just naturally drift right up toward the nasal passages where it could be picked up and converted into those little electronic impulses needed to make the final connections through the ether to the rest of the world.
"Might want a little camouflage or something around the nasal openings so the talk-into parts wouldn't be so obvious in mixed company," said Elmo. "That wouldn't be hard for men ~ they could just grow a mustache ~ and maybe for the privilege of having a built-in telephone, even women might be persuaded to grow mustaches."
"Elmo," said Clem, "I'm beginning to believe we might be on to something that we could get patented. We could corner the market for 17 years."
"Right," said Elmo, "but don't starting buying BMWs yet, Clem, because there is one little item I haven't been able to work out."
"Well," said Clem, "I have the utmost faith that if you could get us this far, you'll be able to come up with something to surmount any few remaining obstacles."
"I appreciate your confidence," said Elmo, "and I really must say that getting the battery, speaker and microphone put on the inside should be a snap. Every human certainly would go for being wired like that.
"But figuring how to dial the thing is going to be a real problem."
"Oh, yeah," said Clem. "That does sound like a possible stopper."
"Now Bill Gates and his crowd ~ they have come up with some stuff like computer voice-recognition," said Elmo, "but I don't know if there is going to be enough room on the inside to handle all that.
"We'll just have to set the dialing problem aside for the nonce," he said. "We've worked out the basics. The rest shouldn't be too hard. We might even be able to run wires in a string across the chest so you could touch different spots for different numbers."
"No," said Clem, "that won't work. No hands, remember. This communication setup of ours is going to have to be completely hands-free."
"You are so right," said Elmo, "and your pertinent remarks only reinforce my opinion that two heads would be better than one with questions like this. But I guess that wouldn't be an option."
Elmo suddenly turned quiet and thoughtful.
"Clem," he said, "you know, with a mustache and microphones sticking out the ends of your nose, sneezing could be a problem."
"Yeah," said Clem.
"Also, and how about when the computer at the other end of the call says, 'If you wish to so-and-so, press one ~ if you wish to so-and-so, press two' ~ and so on?" said Elmo.
"Yeah," said Clem.
"Going to have to give this a little more thought," said Elmo.
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