Mr. Proffitt and the Antiques
© 2001 James David Pearce
Being a sociable type, Clem went down the porch steps and started up the walk almost as soon as the big black-and-white pickup turned into the driveway.
He met the affable-looking fellow in an open-neck shirt and dungarees about halfway between the driveway and the house.
"Howdy," said Clem.
"Howdy to you," said the man. "My name is Wayne Proffitt. Here is my business card.
"I," he said, "am a collector of collectibles. I'm looking for old, valuable things which I like to bid on and buy, and then sell.
"I was just up the street at this lady's house ~ she's moving to an assisted-living apartment ~ and I was looking over some of the furniture and other household items that she wants to dispose of before she goes.
"And as I was driving down this street ~ seeing you ~ this old fellow ~ no offense, please ~ leaning against this old porch-post with the old vase by the door and the old pitcher-pump in the front yard, I thought ~ well, maybe I should stop here and see if I can run across anything interesting.
"Do you perchance have anything old and interesting that might be ready for the market?"
"Well," said Clem. "Perchance I just do have a couple of things here that are old and fairly interesting ~ but I'm not too sure they are ready for the market.
"I have one thing that I know is 111 years old and quite interesting ~ that you might like to buy, but that I would not sell. That's my daddy's old Seth Thomas mantel clock. It's in the living room and has been ticking now since 1890.
"I have another thing here that is 98 years old and, yes, that I might be quite interested in parting with ~ but I don't think you would want to buy. That," went on Clem, "is my 98-year-old mother-in-law. She's in the back bedroom, probably fussin' just like she's been since 1903."
"Well, sir," said Mr. Proffitt. "I really don't think I'd be interested at all in your mother-in-law, antique though she is ~ but I certainly would like to get a look at that clock."
"Step right this way," said Clem.
Motioning toward the clock, he said: "Five minutes fast. But things like that happen when you get old."
"Well, sir," said Mr. Proffitt, "that is a very interesting clock."
Then, switching on his savvy antique-buyer's look of unconcerned knowledge, he said, "But there were a lot of those clocks made back then. They don't bring too much money on the market, even if they do work. I doubt seriously that I could give more than $175 for that type of Seth Thomas.
"Now, if we can pick it up and look at the back and find some manufacturer's imprint or such, I might could go as high as $200."
"Mr. Proffitt," said Clem, "that clock has been sitting in that spot for over 50 years, since my wife rescued it when my mother broke up housekeeping.
"For $200, I wouldn't move that clock two inches, manufacturer's imprint or no manufacturer's imprint."
"Well," spoke Mr. Proffitt, casting a glance around the room, "this old hall chest here, you know, that looks pretty good. That's probably worth $800 or so."
"No," said Thelma, Clem's wife, a new arrival on the scene.
Clem made the belated introduction. "Thelma, this is Mr. Proffitt. Mr. Proffitt, meet Thelma, my wife."
"Thelma," said Mr. Proffitt, "that old bookcase over there ~ I would say that's at least $200 ~ and that glass-front china cabinet, maybe another $200."
"No," said Thelma.
Christine came down the hall into the living room.
"Christine," said Clem, "this is Mr. Proffitt. He buys and sells antiques.
"He wanted to know if we had anything old we wanted to sell. I told him I had an 111-year-old clock that I wouldn't sell ~ and a 98-year-old mother-in-law.
"But I don't seem able to interest him in you at all."
"Hush," she told Clem. Turning to Mr. Proffitt, she said with great emphasis:
"I am not 98 years old. I am 97.
"I will not be 98 until next November."
~~~
Rebecca Parker Pearce
with her 1890 clock
~~~~~~~~~