© 2001 by Rebecca P. Pearce

Cellie and Elmo were riding out one Sunday afternoon on the new road between Ahoskie and Murfreesboro when she pointed to a field off to the south and said:

"Elmo, do you see that big old square two-story house over there?"

"Yes," said Elmo.

"Well, let me tell you about that," said Cellie:

~~~

"That's where Old Man Kingley Copeland lived.

"One day, back in 1923, Kingley got mad one time too many with his wife Elna May.

"He stormed up to the second floor, went into one of the bedrooms down at the end of the hall landing, and slammed and locked the door.

"When Elna May went up to see what all the ruckus was about, she found the locked door and saw a handwritten note come sliding out through the sizable crack beneath it.

"That note," said Cellie, "said, and I quote here ~ 'Elna May, you and our two younguns aint never going to see my face no more. I intend to stay in this room the rest of my life. You can rap three times when you bring my vittles, and after I hear you go down the stairs, I'll open the door just enough to get them in.

" 'And after I eat, I'll leave the plate and my slop-jar outside the door.

" 'You can wash the plate, and empty my slop-jar'."

"Well," continued Cellie, "Elna May was nonplussed, to say the least."

"Well, please don't stop," said Elmo, "as you can easily see, I am practically all ears."

So Cellie continued.

"Kingley was true to his word.

"He kept that door locked as long as he had the slightest suspicion anyone was outside on the landing.

"And for many, many years ~ for as long as he lived, as a matter of fact ~ he stayed in that room and Elna May faithfully brought him a plate of food three times a day and emptied his slop-jar once a day.

"And the only person he ever allowed to see his face again was his younger brother, Royal T. Copeland.

"Royal T. was a barber, and Kingley did want a haircut now and then ~ and maybe a shave ~ Royal T. never would say."

~~~

Here Cellie decided to take a break in her tale, leaving Elmo kind of slack-jawed.

"Well," he said, "please continue."

"Well," said Cellie, "Kingley finally died, along about 1939 ~ and they buried him ~ and after all that time Elna May decided she didn't want to see his face again, even if they did open the casket. She figured she would just let the old rascal go happy."

"And, that's it?" pursued Elmo.

"Well, there is a little more," said Cellie.

~~~

Cellie picked up the story where she had left off.

"Well," she said, "along about 1936 ~ times being so hard and all in the Depression ~ Royal T. himself ~ the barber ~ he began to get a little envious of his older brother ~ sitting there in his own private room, being waited on hand and foot with his vittles and slop-jar taken care of by his ever-faithful Elna May, and not having to worry about a thing ~ like making a living or having to decide whether to vote for or against Frank D. Roosevelt.

"So, come to past, Royal T. decided he'd pull the same trick ~ at least just for a little while.

"The next time Hattie Ray ~ his wife ~ made him mad, Royal T. stormed away from the supper table, stomped upstairs into one of his end rooms ~ and slammed the door.

"Now when Hattie Ray went upstairs and came to the locked door, she came across the same kind of note, slipped under the crack of the door.

"All that stuff about 'you can rap three times when you bring my vittles and you can empty my slop-jar'."

"But," said Cellie, "Hattie Ray right quick showed that she wasn't no Elna May.

"She wrote her own note, and fired it right back through the crack under the door.

" 'Royal T.'," she said, " 'you stay in that room as long as you dang well please.

" 'I aint bringing you not the first plate of vittles, and I aint emptying no slop-jar for you'."

~~~

Cellie concluded her story:

"Well, Royal T., he stayed three days, then came back down to the supper table and once again took up his scissors and razor at the barber shop.

"He was the lead mourner about three years later, when they buried Old Kingley.

"Elna May wouldn't even go close to the casket."

~~~~~~~~~

TODAY'S NEWS, TOMORROW'S TALL TALES

"Royal T.," said Hattie Ray, "you know the news on the television set??

"Well, Hattie Ray," said Royal T., "I know some of the news on the television set ~ can't say that I know it all.

"Do you think you might have gotten wind of something that I still don't know?"

"I sure do," said Hattie Ray. "I'll bet you don't know this:

"A woman passenger on a Scandinavian Airlines flight (that's in an airplane, you know) had to go to the toilet."

"Oh," said Royal T.

"Well," said Hattie Ray, "I don't know where the flight was going, and why she couldn't of waited a little longer, but anyway, she had to go.

"And she went into this little toilet on that big airplane, you know, and she sat down.

"And while she was still sitting, she flushed."

"Uh, huh," said Royal T.

"Now that airplane toilet," said Hattie Ray, "was equipped with something called a High-Vacuum Flush ~ I guess 'cause it was so high in the sky or something.

"Well, she flushed, and that High-Vacuum sealed her right to the seat.

"She couldn't get herself off that thing for the whole rest of the flight."

"Well," said Royal T., "I guess she's filed a lawsuit."

"You're absolutely right, Royal T.

"She's asking a whole lot of damages."