Case of the Temerious Terrier (G-rated humor)

The Well-Tempered Pet, Madison Pet Gazette, May 1998

By Sharon Savage, M.S.

"Is this a dagger which I see before me..." --Macbeth, Act 2, Scene I

It was a nippy spring evening in the friendly burg of Madison, Wisconsin. Two thousand miles away, El Niño was doing his wicked best to wipe the West Coast off the face of the map. And me…well, I was nearly passed out over a fifth of gin(-ger ale), racking my poor brain to make sense out of something that made no sense at all. My good-natured sidekick, Piper, was not being himself lately. I'll relate the events leading up to his horrifying behavior change. I eventually solved the mystery. And I challenge you to do the same.

The victim:

Dagger, a 9-year-old neutered Australian Cattle Dog. At 50 pounds, he rules like a Sicilian mob boss, never resorting to anything so crude as fighting. Embarrassing fact: about a month ago, the old boy was diagnosed with geriatric incontinence.

The "perp":

Piper, a 3-year-old intact Jack Russell Terrier, usually eager to keep on Dagger's good side. Fifteen pounds light, he knows Dagger could snuff him faster than he could gulp popcorn from an unattended bowl. Secret past: Piper spent the first months of his life conquering a severe case of separation anxiety.

The crime:

After years of a distinct mutual lack of interest, suddenly Piper begins to harass Dagger non-stop...day and night. With hackles up, he walks stiffly around Dagger, body slams him, whines at him continuously, and puts his little paws on the big guy's back. For two days, Piper even refuses food so that he can continue his harassment campaign while Dagger eats. On the third day, I take the little fella down the block so he can eat his chow alone. But within minutes of returning home, he throws it up. This ugly scenario is repeated thrice.

Events just before the crime:

The previous Friday, Dagger and Piper watch anxiously as I unpack boxes at our new flat. We're living on the wrong side of tracks now. Feels like home already.

Saturday morning, we leave for a weekend dog behavior seminar with friend Judith and her miniature Dachshund, Hansel. The dogs sleep peacefully by our chairs during the seminar. Back at the hotel, however, it's a different story. Piper repeatedly forces Hansel into submission…not difficult when the victim is a miniature wiener dog. Piper first gets Hansel down and licks his ears...then rolls on his pal like he was a ripe pair of socks. As usual, Piper pays no attention to Dagger.

Saturday night, Piper abandons his usual post on my bed. He is seen curled up on Judith's bed with his amigo, Hansel.

Sunday night, after we arrive back in Madison, the trouble begins: Dagger becomes the target of Piper's strange assaults.

What reason could there be for Piper to harass the don? I counted out some possible motives.

The stress of moving into new digs has brought back Piper's old nemesis, separation anxiety. Maybe he's taking out his frustration on Dagger.
Piper's decided that Dagger is getting old and feeble, and is losing his grip on the Family. Piper knows something is different because of Dagger's recent housebreaking accidents. Could Piper be making a grab for the alpha role?
Piper's self-esteem has shot up. He did beat up Hansel successfully, didn't he? How much harder could it be to make Dagger cry "uncle"?

I turned these possibilities over in my head, but nothing really seemed to fit.

(Continued on next page…)