"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these answering magnets."
(Narrator's voice on answering machine message tape:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable hailstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Now thou must leave a message.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still connected with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
The College Special: > "A" is for academics, "B" is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
(Modified from Woody Allen:) I don't have a lot a rapport with anything that I can't reason with, intimidate, or fondle. Consequently, I hate talking to machines, but I'd love it if you'd talk to mine.
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally manipulated fart.
This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP Hello.
I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
(Computer generated voices:) Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. Yeah, nobody but us machines! Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... ...and a message! You forgot about the message! Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
1: I didn't expect an answering machine. 2: Nobody expects an answering machine. 1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number. 2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number. 1: And message. Damn. 2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. 1: And time you called. 2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. 1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. (Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.) (or) (Very fast:)
Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
Hi, you've reached the home of ______. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
--- authority figures ---
This is the Iraqi Embassy. Saddam is out invading a poor defenseless nation. Please leave a message after the beep and he will respond as soon as the US kicks his butt.
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
Hello. his is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.
(Richard Nixon voice:) Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.
(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello... I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh... ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. (Bill Clinton voice:)
Hi, you've reached the secret White House phone line. That damned Windows 95 erased the budget again, so neither Al or I can come to the phone right now. But leave a message with what agency you work for, or if you're a contributor, how much money you plan on giving me. Depending on how important I think you are, I might just give you a call back. Bye.
(Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-urgent.
This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.) (Annoying flute music in background:)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.
"I'm Morley Safer." "I'm Harry Reasoner." "And I'm Fred." "We're not home; leave a message." This is Walter Cronkite. Bren's not here right now. He's out on a date. The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco Bell should scare the hell out of you. He'll probably be home soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back. Deal with it.
(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could.
Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? This is the Devil's Lair. Satan is out rounding up rookies. Please state the name of your soul... er... self, and the favor you wish to obtain.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
--- odd organizations ---
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of Enemies. Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where you'll be, and I'll be there.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you
Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.
(Televangelist voice:) This is the Powerhouse Church of the Presumptious Assumption of the Bliiiiinnnnding Light! You HAVE called the RIGHT number sinner, you just called at the wrong time. All of our members are out fund raisin' at the airports. So leave your name, number, and THREE credit references, sinner, and we will save your soul!
Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back to you... When hell freezes over.
Hello, this is Aladdin's Lamp's magical answering spell. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm busy attending my last client's wish and creating an alternate world where the civilization of Atlantis is predominant. That will take a couple of more centuries, so if you want a wish, just leave your name, geographic location, and the wish you want after the beep. (That's right, just ONE wish. Inflation has happened, you know...)
(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... (or) Do you realize that at this moment there are people all over the world who have no means of communication? With your 20 second message donation, we can bring your voice to many children who are dying to hear it. So please, say something after the beep. The children are waiting.
City Morgue. You've reached Joe's crematorium. You kill em', we grill 'em. Please leave a message. You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. (or) Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive- compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer anyway.
Thanks for calling the Aardvark Medical College. If you would like to leave a message, press 1. Alternatively, if you would like to donate a body to the college, please press 2.
(Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:) Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic. (Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible. Thank you very much.
(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message. Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn that your unit has re-established communications. The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your concerns.
(Best Cape Cod accent:) You've reached the Finestkind Fish or Cut Bait Mahket. Our special today is skahll-ups at thutty dollars a bushel. Leave your ohdah on the machine heah and the boy'll bring it around in the mahnin.
Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine! You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK.
This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints.
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. (Slowly...) Good evening. You have reached the offices of the New Zealand Wagner society.
The office is currently unattended, but if you would like to leave a message, Meistersinger Phil will return your call as soon as he has finished transcribing the Ring Cycle for saxophone and triangle.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're going about it all wrong, so WE certainly can't help you. If you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.
Hello, you have reached the Fidelity Sperm Bank Helpline. Your business is important to us. Please hold for the next available customer servicer.
Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
Hello, you've reached Katie's Institution for the Preservation of Prostitution. All of our operatives are busy right now, but if you leave your name, number and services required we will get back to you as soon as an opening is available...
--- mainly musical theme ---
("Heartbreak Hotel":) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP
(Madonna's "Justify My Love"; sultry voice:) Wanting... Waiting... For you, To justify your call...
(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")
(Guns & Roses' "Civil War":) What we've got here is... Failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... I don't like it any more than you do.
(Pink Floyd:) Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine... (Voice:) Please leave your name, phone number and message. Thank you.
(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home. (Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":) Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, no one's home, Leave a message, at the tone. Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss, Leave a message, you can reach us.
I was dialing from the lab, late one night, When my ears beheld an eerie plight... My assistant was frightened by the tone That signaled that no one was home. ...THERE'S NO ONE HOME MASTAH, MASTAH THERE'S NO ONE HOME. Igor you impetuous fool, then leave a message!
(U2's "With or Without You":) No one's here to answer the phone, Leave a message at the tone, And we'll get back to you. We'll get back to you!
(Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love":) And I would do anything for calls, I promise I will call you back; I would do anything for calls, But I can't talk right now and that's a fact. I'm not home right now, so I just can't answer the phone, No way, But I would do anything for calls, Oh, I would do anything for calls! Just let me know who it was who called, And I'll call you back! Yes, I'll call you back! Just leave a message at the tone, I'll hear it when I get back home, And I will call -- you -- back!
(Cheers TV show theme song, "Where Everybody Knows your Name":) Sometimes you make a call, Where you gotta leave your name, 'Cuz I can't come to the phone, You gotta leave a message here, right after the tone. You made a call, Where you gotta leave your name.
("The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:) Well hey how you doin'? Have a seat have a drink, Boy it's good to see you what can I say, Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again, Say what was your name anyway? Well we're working on the problem -- We'll get back to you soon, Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by and have a nice day.
("Camptown Races":) I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah. Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day. Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day... So leave a message when you hear the tone. I'll call you back someday...
("Winter Wonderland":) Hear the ring, inside our home. Once again, can't get the phone. So please be polite, You know that it's right, And leave a message when you hear the tone.
(Beethoven's Fifth:) Nobody's home. Why did you phone? Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone, And we will call you back as soon as we get home. Your message here, After the tone, Here is the tone... tone... BEEP
("If I Only Had A Brain":) I might be in the shower, I might be gone for hours, I can't come to the phone. So, please leave your name and number, If I miss you it'd be a bummer, Leave your message at the tone...
Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight? Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over the world! (Sing:) They're David and the Rob, Yes, David and the Rob, One is a drummer, the other needs a job. They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow, Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.
("Under the Boardwalk":) Oh, when you call our room, and all you get is a machine, and then you get so upset, you feel as if you want to scream. Please leave a message after the be-ep. And John or Tom will get back you, as soon as they can.
("Muppet Show" theme:) It's time to leave a message After you hear the tone, It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight... It's time to leave a message On Kate and Shannon's phone, It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight. Just leave your name and number, Such simple things to do, And then when we get home we will Get right back to you. It's time to leave a message After you hear the tone. It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight. Gone to get a bite, Stayin' out all night, Yes we have a life! Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight...
(The Barney Song:) We're not home, We're not home. Please leave a message at the tone, With your name and number and a few short words. Please do not hang up the phone.
("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
Hitchhikers Guide theme:) The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to- person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message.
I once had a little white phone, That would ring when it was alone. Then I got a tape, For when I escape, So please leave your name at the tone
--- family fun ---
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD) Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room. 2: (Background:) What are you doing? 1: I'm recording an answering machine message. 2: But we're here right now. 1: But we might not be here later. 2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.
1: Hey, would you get the phone? 2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone! 1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it? 2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway! 1: Dammit Nicole, you always pull this crap when it's your turn to get it! 2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then!
This is Fred. We are not... Excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. Hello.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?
Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.
I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.
Hello, there is no one home to answer the phone. This doesn't mean we don't want to talk with you. It simply means there is no one home to talk with you. Some people get the incorrect message that there actually is someone home but they just don't want to answer the phone. This is not true.
(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires.
(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!
Hello, I'm not here right now because tonight I start serving a thirty year term in the State Department of Corrections for politically incorrect statements and first degree original thought. Allowing for a maximum of 15 minutes to escape, I should be able to return your message shortly.
Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)
(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.
(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)
Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
Hi, this is the answering machine. I am on strike. Any messages you leave will be deleted.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:) Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor...
(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.
Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a call. If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (Coughing loony laughter.)
(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)
(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!
Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. (Sternly:)
Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK)
Gee I am really glad you called. I have been thinking of you. I need to borrow fifty bucks. If you are good for 50, leave your name and number at the beep and you will be glad you did.
My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
--- befuddle the caller ---
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert appropriate weather report for the season here.) Please leave a tone after the message.
Please hang up now if you would want to speak to Johan. Otherwise, please stay on the line to leave him a message.
You've reached the number that you dialed. The person that you called is not in service at this time, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I am repaired....
Hello, you have reached Dave. Please enter your four digit PIN at the tone.
Hello, you have reached 555-1234. Our voice mail system is currently experiencing difficulties, so at the tone, please type your message on the keypad using the appropriate letters, and press the pound sign when finished.
The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.)
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?
Hi, you have reached an answer-person. I don't get paid to respond. However, anything after the beep will be memorized to the best of my ability.
(Loud music, John shouting:) HI, THIS IS JOHN, LET ME TURN DOWN THE MUSIC. (Loud footsteps, music turned down, a door slams.) Hi, this is the answering machine at John's home, he just rushed out the door, so please leave a message at the beep.
Hello you have reached the Smith residence. All of our operators are busy. Your call will be processed in the order it was received. (Annoying muzak...)
Due to a large volume of calls, all of our operators are bu... (Ringing phone.)
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ...
BEEP All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK)
This is the answering machine of... This is not a recording.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Hello, we are all currently home, but someone stole our phone... And the recording tape from this answering machine. So you can't reach us until we either find a phone or get a tape. If you had to waste a quarter on this call... Sorry.
I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.
This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.
Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.
Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.
(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
Bye. Bless God and, later you at talk possible as soon as you to back get I'll and number and name your leave to time the take please. So now right home not I'm 435-9854, Carr Dennis of residence the reached you've. Hi.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...
This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it. Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh...
Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep.
Hello... Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas please, with extra cheese... Oh, did I get the wrong number? Sorry about that. (Click.)
----befuddle the CALLEE rather than the caller----Record someone’s answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)
OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions? (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?
We have caller ID. You can leave a message... Though there's really no need to do so.
I'm not home right now, so please leave your name, number, the time you called, and a message... And I have caller ID, so I already know who you are and when you called, so don't try to BS me! I'm not home.
While you are waiting for me to call you back, load up Netscape and visit my homepage on the Internet at http://www.fiu.edu/~jsosa01.
This so called "answering machine" will not respond to anything you say. Much like most guys.
Mom, Dad... Don't you think it would be easier to reach me if I had a cellular phone? So how about an early birthday present?
Despite the best efforts of the telephone company, you really DID reach 555-1234. But that didn't help much, did it? You still have to talk to a machine.
Your ad can be in this space for only $2.99 a day. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you about this.
(Gameshow announcer voice:) Hello! And welcome to Yes, No, Maybe! Yes, you have reached 555-1234! No, we can't take your call right now and... Maybe we'll call you back!
Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.
Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?
(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...)
BEEP Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now -- hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call?
Hello, this is Adrian; I'm just returning your call. If you haven't made a call yet, please do so now, because if I try to answer a call you haven't even made yet, it could create a temporal paradox, which could seriously disrupt the space-time continuum, and possibly even cause the entire universe to implode. And you wouldn't want that to happen, now, would you?.
I am gathering the world's largest collection of responses to an answering machine. If you would like to help, please leave a notarized copy of your name, number, and today's date at the sound of the beep.
Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.
So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph Nader.
This is talk radio N0MFW! (Insert your ham radio call sign here :-) I'm your host, Edward, and I will be with you for up to the next three minutes. Thanks for calling 349-2344 on your telephone dial!
Congratulations! You have reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, you were probably expecting something like this!
I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
Hi, how 'ya goin', listen, I'm not here, but I tell ya what, this anserin' machine is so clever, I kid you not, if you don't leave a message -- it'll ring 'ya back and ask for one!
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
If you're the person who keeps hanging up every time we answer the phone, YOU'RE IN LUCK. Right now we're not home.
Feel free to stop by and steal everything we have. There is not much here, being as we're college students and all. But we would like it if you could take our TV. It's insured for more than it's worth, and we would really like to get a color one. Thanks.
Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
Hi, this is Daniel. I'm either out, asleep, or dead right now, so please leave a message and either I or my next of kin will get back to you.
Random fact number 10: The first manned mission to Jupiter will be crewed by the Smiths. Random fact number 64: Dairy Queen discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah. Random fact number 36: Bren's not here and he wants you leave a message. Random fact number 22: Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota
Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.
Thank you for calling, no doubt, As you can guess, we're out. When we get home, We'll call on the phone. Until then, just hang about.
Sorry that we're not at home. Please leave a message after the tone. When we get in, We'll give you a ring. Until then, wait by the phone.
Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
Him: Hi, this is Evan's answering machine... Her: (Interrupting:) Whose answering machine? Him: Sorry dear, I'll start again. Hi, this is Evan and MICHELLE's answering machine... Is that better? Her: Much better. Him: Good. Please leave your name and number after the beep. How's that? Her: Fine. Him: Okay, now I'll just figure out how to record it.
(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)
Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...
Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.
--- science fiction ---
(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.
Hello, this is the space shuttle Columbia answering machine. If it's NASA calling, we're still trying to fix the radio antenna. If it's Tom's parents, I'm sorry but right now he's outside fixing the landing gear. If this is Mike's wife, then hello darling, but at the moment I'm busy giving a hand to Tom, and I'll call you back soon as we're done. If this is the MIR space station, I'm sorry but our contact must be delayed for at least twelve, repeating twelve, more hours. If this is by any possible chance an alien space ship, then be kind enough to wait until we are fully operational again. If this is anyone else, you can leave your name, number, and message and we will eventually return your call, but we will do it just after landing, debriefing, and some time at home. That means not before next week. Have a nice day or night.
Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
--- brevity ---
I'm gone.
ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll... You know.
This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
(Nike commercial voice:) You know what to do. You know how to do it. You know when to do it. So, JUST DO IT!
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep..
--- miscellaneous ---
(For Shakespeare lovers only:) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep. Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...
(Dreamily:) Dewdrop, in your pure fresh waters, let me wash these dirty hands of life. (Roughly:) Now, THAT'S what I call a message! If yours is at least that good, maybe I'll call you back...
Hi. You've reached Vienna Farm. If you want to take riding lessons, leave your number. If you want information on boarding a horse, leave your number. If you are a bill collector, TAKE A NUMBER!
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
Please leave us a message at the beep. And remember: It's not the quantity of the messages that counts, it's the quality.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payments. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
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