Golf Minis

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on Earth. The course they were on had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.
"Ah no, Moses, I think I can do it," explained Jesus. "I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I." Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball. Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I." True to form, however, Jesus' ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball. "Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like, but I'm not parting the water for you again."
"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus. "But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I." Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.
Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. "Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses. "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," said Moses, rolling his eyes. "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

/
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the
time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

These two men were out golfing and they were stuck behind a couple of women at the hole in front of them. One of the men said "let me go and ask them if we can play through." So he gets half way up to the hole and turns around and comes back. The other man says "what's the matter?" The other guy says, "I can't go up there one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress." So the second guy says, "let me go and ask." So he leaves and gets half way and comes back and the first guy says "well what's wrong?" And the second guy says "small world."

A gentleman is playing golf in Ireland. He tees off on the 16th, and shanks it into the woods. He goes to look for his ball, and finds a leprechaun next to it, out cold. He revives the little man, who is grateful, and is told, "Well, you caught me fair and square, although a bit unusual, but I'll grant you three wishes anyway." The man says, "That's allright, I just wanted to make sure you were O.K... nevermind the wishes." The leprechaun thinks to himself, that's a nice man, I'll grant him three wishes that I would want; unlimited money, an incredible talent for golf, and an amazing sex life. A year goes by, and the same man is teeing off on the same hole. He hits his drive 360 yards down the middle of the fairway. He sees the leprechaun, and walks over to him. "Well, hello!", the little guy says. "It's been a year...how's your financial situation?" "It's amazing!", the man says, "Everytime I put my hand in my pocket, out comes money!" "Wonderful! how's your golf game?" is the reply. "Unbelievable! Look at that drive! No one can beat me!" "That's great!...and how is your sex life?" "Not bad," he answered, "once or twice a month." The little man was outraged! "That's all? Once or twice a month?" "Well", he said, "it is a small Parish!"

A man has been shipwrecked on an uncharted island for two years when he finds a lamp lying in the sand. E rubs the lamp and out pops the most beautiful women he's ever seen, wearing a wet suit. The woman thanks the man for releasing her and asks how long it's been since he last had a cigar. He replies "two years" . She opens the zipper on her wet suit and pulls out a box of Cubans. She then asks how long it's been since he last had a drink. He again replies "two years" . She reaches back into her wet suit and produces a bottle of the finest scotch. With a wink she then asks the man how long it's been since he's played around. With an excited look in his eye he exclaimed "You've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men were quite surprised at being ``let go'' for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from his wife. The first man said, ``I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.'' The second man said, ``I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.'' The third man said, ``I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her: `Golf course or inter-course?' and she said: `I'll put your clubs in the car.' ''

Three men went off golfing for the day. On their way home, their car broke down in the middle of nowhere, not a building or any sign of civilization in sight. So they decided to get out and walk. They had walked a couple of miles when they came upon a farm house. "Let's see if we can put up there for the night", one of them said. They went over and knocked on the door. The farmer answered and they told him their predicament. "Of course I can put you up", said the farmer, "One of you can sleep in the barn with the cows". Reluctantly one of the men agreed. The farmer went on. "Another can sleep in the sty with the pigs". A second golfer said that he would sleep there. "Well", said the farmer, "the last of you is going to be a problem. All I have left is the room in which my 18 daughters sleep". The third guy nodded happily, "Fine with me". Next morning, they all met for breakfast. "How'd y'all sleep", said the farmer. "Like a cow", said the golfer who had slept in the barn. "Like a pig", said the golfer who had slept in the sty. "Like a golfer", said the third. Howzat?, said the farmer. "Well", he replied, "I made all 18 holes!"

There was a priest who loved to golf. Every chance he had, he would go out golfing. One Sunday, after giving mass, he was tempted to go out golfing, the weather was perfect, but it was the Sabbath. But he went anyway. St. Peter saw him from Heaven, and started shouting,"God, God, there's a priest playing golf on the Sabbath. He should be punished!" God agreed. So when the priest tee'd off, he got a hole in one! On the second tee, he also got a hole in one. This went through the entire game. 18 holes in one. Amazing. St. Peter look at God, and said, "God, I thought You were going to punish him, he got 18 holes in one." God replied, "Right. Who's he going to tell?!"

A priest and a golfer went golfing together for a day. The golfer swings and misses, "God Damn it! I missed!" The priest say, "God isn't going to like that!" The golfer swings again and misses, "God Damn IT! I missed!" The priest again says, "God isn't going to like that!" The golfer swings again, "God damn it! I missed!" Again the priest says, "God is not going to like this." And as the golfer took another swing a dark cloud began to amass above the golf course and the golfer missed again, "God damn it! I missed again!" The priest once again said, "God is not going to like this at all." A powerful surge of lightning struck the priest and God said, "Damn it! I missed!"

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" That was the last thing he could remember.

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!

"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks. "I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer. "Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"

The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him. "I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."