A typical day is something like this:
Got out of bed and burned my feet on the tile floor.
Padded to the kitchen to find the coffee had boiled over although the pot was not plugged in.
Grabbed a couple of eggs and tossed them in the aquarium to boil.
Stumbled towards the bathroom to brush my teeth with warm tooth liquid (it's not paste here).
Wiped the steam from the mirrors (from the boiling water in the toilet bowl)
Applied my liquid eye shadow and lipstick then back to the aquarium to retrieve my hard boiled eggs.
Opened the bread bag to find it a little well done even if you happen to like your toast slightly burnt.
Hunted down the tongs so I could pick up the car keys without blistering my fingers.
Got stuck half way across the patio when my rubber soles melted to the concrete.
Dug the welding gloves out from under the car seat to grip the steering wheel so bits of flesh would not adhere to the device.
Arriving at work with only mild burns from the upholstery (it's still only 6:00 am) I am careful to put the sun shade in the car window. Glass WILL melt at the proper temperture.
On our 1st break we have a contest to see who can first hone in on the correct angle to the sun to have their cigarette lit without using an artifical lighting accessory.
We all take a "working" lunch as to get into a vehical at noon is akin to walking into a kiln at Awsvietch. We very kindly ask all newcomers to California to please leave all jewelry, watches and gold fillings in the bowl by the door before attempting to leave in their metal transport in a futile attempt to procure food items.
After work I bend, fold and cram to get all the paper work safely under the car seat. (remember starting fires with a magnifying glass? The same thing occurs when you remove the sun shade from the car window.)
Finagle my delicate appendages back into the welding gloves, start the car, and activate my personal sauna (turn on the air conditioner). Not to worry though; the clothes will be dry between exiting my four-wheel drive sauna and emerging from the garage.
1st stop is the fridge to grab a beer. (know those little foam doodads you put the can in? They aren't to keep the beer cold, they're to prevent burning your fingers on the can.)
Then it's time to ponder dinner options.
Contrary to rumor we don't eat sushi here. The fish is all cooked in the time lapsed from pulling it from the ocean to getting it on the boat.
Amazingingly enough the bovine and fowl seem intellegent enough to remain in the shade so I opt for beef tonight. Pull a couple of steaks from the freezer and head for the grill. No need for charcoal or lighter. Two potatoes on the diving board, a couple of flips and a beer later it's steak and baked potato time. Sorry, no candle lit dinners here. There's only little puddles of liquid wax on the tables. We never buy Pledge.
Then for a relaxing soak in the jaccuzzi. No need for an expensive heater here! Just turn on the bubble jets.
Thank heavens for the new video discs - no more spending hours hunting for a VHS tape that somehow has not yet melted to the shelf. Hang a bag of micro wave pop corn out the window, grab another beer, retrieve the popped corn and stay stuck to the sweat drenched couch for the remainder of the evening.
And so ends another sunny California day. Off to bed and my toasty teflon sheets (to keep from sticking while you gently fry all night) and you thought those brown California bodies you see in the magazines were from the sun?!
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