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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet
Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!
What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
No one is paying attention until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Creativity is great, but plagarisim is faster.
Families are like fudge.. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Middle age is when you choose you cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
If you remain calm you just don't have all the facts.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Horse sense is the thing that horses have that keeps it from betting on people.
Is it possible to be totally partial.?
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Take my advice. I don't use it anyway.
The amount of intellegence on the planet is constant. The population is growing.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
You can't have everything....where would you put it?
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
Sorry, I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
So, what is the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on whast to have for lunch.
I already have a life. I just don't use it.
If you must chose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usuallly a sign of a bad memory.
To steal from one person is plagarism. To steal from many is research.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Don't suffer from insanity; - enjoy every minute of it!
Every morning is the dawn of a new error....
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
A Brontosaurus is a salamander designed to military specifications.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
A single fact can ruin a good argument.
After eating do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Always remember you are unique - just like everybody else.
It explains a lot when you realize that God did not create the world in seven days. He partied for six then pulled an all-nighter.
If you refuse to fly do to fear over the probibility of there being a bomb on board, rethink your tactics ...... take a bomb with you. The probability of there being two bombs on board is very slim.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Some people are alive simply because it's against the law to kill them.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
We believe that everyone should work. Especially those who have jobs.
Reality is a consensual hallucination.
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