SEXIST STUFF

The reason the battle of the sexes will never be won is because fraternization with the enemy is so much fun.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.

There's a lot to be said for thinking with your dick. The average penis is a lot more likely to stand up for what it wants than the average man.

Mom's Advice:
Age 2: "Don't"
Age 6: "Don't waste"
Age 10: "Don't waste time"
Age 16: "Don't waste time on men"
Age 20: "Don't waste time on men with no money"

It never fails: If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna cause you trouble.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.

Marriage is an institution in which a man looses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

"Marriage certificate" is just another term for "work permit".

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye opener.

How do we know that men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

There was this man that muttered a few words in church and found himself married. A year later he muttered a few words in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Why are blond jokes so short?
So that men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know Son, I'm still paying for it

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it's never happened.

Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I hear that in China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That's true everywhere, my Son, EVERYWHERE!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Grow your own dope: Plant a man!!

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

God may have made man first but there is always a rough draft before the final copy.

A man is not complete until he's married. Then he's finished.

MENtal Anxiety, MENtal Breakdown, MENstral Cramps, MENopause..............Notice how all our problems begin with MEN??

When a lady says "no", she means "maybe". When a lady says "maybe", she means "yes". When a lady says "yes", she ain't no lady.

Don't sweat the petty things; .... or pet sweaty things.

I never knew what happiness was until I got married.
Then it was too late.

Love is one long, sweet dream.
Marriage is the alarm clock.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage it is love.
After marriage it is self defense.

Marriage is an institution - but who wants to live in one?

Money can't buy love, but it can rent a cheap imitation.

Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler.

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

What do all the men at singles bars have in common?
They are all married.

What do men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they really love.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man than for a woman?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by90%.........
wedding cake.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brain.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.

You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

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