Rating: You can watch, you can read.

Disclaimer: Sadly, not mine. They belong to Joss and Co. Song "Letting go" by Sozzi.

Notes: It can be assumed that by this time, Buffy and Riley have broken up. She and Angel patched things up in a proper conversation. And though they didn’t become a couple again, they were reassured of how they still felt about each other. For the purposes of this story, and to be fair to the characters, it can also be assumed both have had other romantic interests since, (Angel’s being of the supernatural sort) but still maintained the love they had for each other. The curse itself is now fixed...Angel can’t lose his soul. This fic is a result of a discussion I had and is not at all what I want or (fates willing) expect to happen. Just call it more venting. (Further author's notes after story...you'll see why)

Dedication: It seems cruel to dedicate this story to anyone...so instead I'll use this part to say a very warm-hearted thanks for all those who have sent me feedback on my recent stories. I'd send you all chocolate, but it would melt before it got to you. I promise I'll either stop writing or go on some sort of happy pill soon. Must get over this GWA fiction stuff. I'm sick, I need help.

by
Carrie

"What happened to the sunlight?" Angel and Cordelia broke away from each other, a guilty look crossing Angel’s face. Cordelia fixed her shirt, looking up at her before glancing away awkwardly.

"Sunlight?" Unexpectedly faced with his former love, it was all Angel could do to croak out that one word. Buffy chuckled bitterly.

"Yeah, the sunlight you figured was so important for me. Remember, the kind you were keeping me from experiencing? And let’s not forget the sex part, though you seem to have taken care of that now." She gestured towards his shirt, which was lying on the floor. He bent and picked it up, buttoning it up under her hostile gaze. Cordelia made as if to leave, but Angel stopped her by grasping her hand, squeezing it comfortingly. She gave him a grateful smile before turning to Buffy, not even appearing threatened by Buffy’s sudden arrival.

"And you’re here…why?"

"To see if what Xander told me was true." Her eyes locked on their joined hands. "Which apparently, it is."

"It just…happened. It wasn’t something we planned on."

She raised an eyebrow at his explanation, but focused her gaze on Cordelia.

"I just hope you’re ready for a really depressing sewer talk, because that’s pretty much all I got out of this relationship, or so it seems."

Cordelia looked at Angel, confused, but he just waved away her questions and glared hard at Buffy.

"She isn’t to blame for this, no one is. But if you need a target, use me. This is the last thing she needs."

Figuring on being there for quite some time, Buffy walked the rest of the way into the apartment and shrugged innocently.

"I’m not blaming her for anything, Angel. Just stating a simple fact. Or aren’t you planning on giving her the same ‘it’s better for you’ speech that you gave me?"

"It wasn’t on the agenda, no." Her eyes again went towards their joined hands, noticing the rings for the first time. Crown, hands…and the heart pointing inwards. Pain rushed through her and she tried to swallow the choked gasp, but she knew Angel heard it anyway.

"Buffy…" His voice softened with concern.

She just held up a hand, not wanting to hear those tones in his voice, not when she wasn’t sure what to believe anymore.

"Didn’t it mean anything at all?"

He didn’t pretend to misunderstand, just looked at Cordelia pleadingly. Grasping his meaning, she nodded and gave him a sympathetic smile before turning back to Buffy, a serene but determined look on her face.

"I’m grateful for what you did for him in the past, before any of us really understood. But if you hurt him again, I’ll kill you. Make no mistake about that."

Buffy just quirked an eyebrow at her as she left, recalling the number of times she’d thought or said the same thing. It was strange having the words directed at her. Time really had changed them.

Silence reigned as the former lovers gazed at each other. Angel was the one who broke it.

"Yes…"

"Yes what?’ Buffy snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yes, it meant something."

She scoffed lightly before sitting down on the same seat Cordelia and Angel had been on only minutes before. She swallowed hard, trying to keep her rage under control.

"Is that so? Because from the look of things, it didn’t mean nearly as much as I thought it did." She gestured towards his ring.

A pained look crossed his face, but there was no hesitation on his part.

"It meant something, just not what we thought it did."

"So what exactly did it mean then, Angel? Because I thought it meant that we loved each other…I guess that wasn’t the case." She laughed mockingly, tears brimming in her eyes. "I really was a swooning schoolgirl to think that anything you said to me was true."

"It was all true…at the time."

"At the time…" She repeated the words over and over again, wanting to erase them from existence. She didn’t notice Angel approach until he moved to embrace her. She roughly shoved him away from her.

"Don’t touch me."

He held his arms out towards her for another moment, before reluctantly dropping them to his sides.

"I don’t like seeing you like this, Buffy. Don’t like seeing you hurt, not if I can help it."

Hysterical laughter burst out of her at the irony of that statement, causing Angel to frown in confusion.

"What’s so funny?"

"You…me…this…the whole mess that was our relationship." He shook his head at her, not understanding where she was going with this. "You said that you didn’t want to hurt me, Angel. But you’re the one who has caused me the most pain, whether you wanted to or not. I was willing to put up with that, because I knew you felt it too…the pain, the love. I was willing to accept it because I knew that if it could ever be different between us that you’d come back to me. You’d end the pain." She looked down at the floor. "But it’s not like that anymore, is it? You’re with her now."

"I am."

"So explain this to me, Angel. Why is it okay for you to be with Cordelia, but so incredibly wrong for you to be with me? Do you hate blondes? What?"

He sighed heavily and sat down next to her on the couch. She promptly switched seats.

"She accepts me…accepts me for who I am. Demon and all. I needed that."

"And I didn’t?" He just continued to gaze at her. "As I recall, you were the one who insisted it could never work out between us. Not me. I never wanted you to leave, but I accepted your reasons, even if they could never really apply to me, not in the long run. I knew how much it hurt you to leave me, even if it took me a long time to admit to it. But now? Now it all seems so pointless, really."

"It just happened, Buffy. I didn’t plan on it, tried to avoid it, actually."

"But you just found yourself so much in love, you couldn’t resist, is that right?"

He nodded in response, eyes drifting towards the ring on his hand.

"Well, that seems to happen to you quite frequently, Angel. I remember you telling me the same thing once." The memory of that night overwhelmed her, made her feel numb inside. "What did any of it mean to you? What did I mean to you?"

He smiled briefly, recalling the first time he’d seen her.

"You were my sunlight…." he smile disappeared from his face, replaced by sorrow. "Before you, I didn’t even know why I kept on going." He knelt down on the floor beside her seat and grasped her hand tightly. She was too numb to pull away. "You taught me how to be someone real, Buffy. Showed me that I could love again, that I could be loved. None of this could have happened without you. You’ll always have a part of me no one else will touch, how could they?"

"But do you love me now, Angel? Like you used to?" Her voice was so hollow, so full of sorrow. He wished he could tell her what she wanted to hear. His silence was answer enough and it gave her the strength to yank her hand away. "Let me get this straight, the reason you care so much about me is because I helped you find your destiny."

"Sort of…but it’s more than…"

"Because I helped you find love."

"Yes…"

"With Cordelia."

Realizing how uncomfortable she was with his proximity to her, he moved back to his seat, trying to think of the appropriate response.

"So I was a means to an end for you, just a stepping stone."

"You’re so much more than that, Buffy, you always have been, especially to me. There’s so much you deserve to have in your life, things I could never give you."

"But you can give them to Cordelia."

"Yes…no…it’s different with her."

Then it dawned on her. "It’s real…you really love her."

"It doesn’t mean I didn’t lo-"

"You loved me for what I represented, but you didn’t love me. Didn’t love me enough to stay." A seething hatred began to build. All she had suffered and fought for…but it meant nothing, not really. Not anymore.

Pain and fear seemed to have encompassed Angel.

"I’ll always be here for you, Buffy. As a friend and as an ally, we can still have that." He was met with a stony silence, broken only by the harsh sound of her breathing. "Buffy, there’s a lot coming up in the next few years. You’ll need my help."

"For the End of Days, I know…Mohra already told me, remember?" At his startled look, she laughed bitterly. "I told you I wouldn’t forget. I just thought it might be easier on you if you believed I had, so I didn’t say anything. I don’t know why I even bothered." She ran her hands through her hair, mussing the neat strands, giving him a tense smile. "I bet you’re kicking yourself in the ass for that little decision, aren’t you? Just think, if you’d stayed human, you could have set up house with sweet, perfect Cordelia a long time ago. Hey, you might have even had a couple kids running around by now."

He winced at the acid tone in her voice.

"The price would have been your life…it wouldn’t have been worth it." He gave her a pain-filled glance.

"Oh, you’d have gotten over it soon enough, that’s pretty clear." She again indicated the silver ring that adorned his finger.

"Just because I’m with Cordelia, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I still need you, Buffy. Just not…the way I did before."

She didn’t respond at first, just stared.

"You don’t need me, you never needed me. All you needed was a pretty face to inspire you. I just happen to have the misfortune of being the one you saw first."

"You know that isn’t true." But he saw by her face that she didn’t. She really believed what she was saying, believed that her role in his life had been so inconsequential. "A world without you in it wouldn’t be the same for me, you know that."

"The world will be just fine without me, Angel. One Slayer dies, the next one is called."

He stood up now, furious with her.

"Don’t say that."

"Why not? It’s the truth, isn’t it?"

Unable to restrain himself any longer, he pulled her up by the arms, shaking her roughly.

"You’re different than any other slayer, and you know it."

She smiled at him now, but it was cold, a stranger’s smile.

"Yeah, all the other ones were smart enough to kill the vampires they came across."

His hands tightened their grip, but she refused to give him the satisfaction of a wince.

"You know you don’t mean that."

"Don’t I?"

"Everything we did together…we had good times too, Buffy. Sometimes memories are all we’re allowed to keep, I’m satisfied with that, with what we have now."

"Memories are only good if they mean something, Angel. Mine? They mean shit." The numbness broke away, and the hatred that had begun moments ago now overwhelmed her. She pushed him away, eyes narrowed. "I wouldn’t come to you now if my life depended on it. You can find your inspiration somewhere else." She rushed towards the door and opened it, but paused with her hand on the knob. Turning to look at him, she was somewhat mollified by the look on his face. "I may have taught you how to love. But you…you taught me something I never wanted to learn."

"What’s that?" He spoke in a hushed voice, unable to summon any energy.

"You taught me how to hate."

It hit him hard, she could tell. Even without the love he’d always held for her, he still cared what she thought of him. She knew it was wrong, but she derived some satisfaction from that.

"Don’t come back to Sunnydale, Angel. I may have to fight a war with you, but I sure as hell don’t want anything to do with you. Slayers don’t associate with vampires, remember?"

She closed the door behind her.

The End

Further Author’s notes:

This fic was not meant to make either Angel or Buffy look bad, but rather to express, I suppose, just how much it would trivialize and diminish B/A if all they become is, well... a stepping stone on a path to a greater love for Buffy and Angel separately.

Hence why Angel was still being so understanding and caring about Buffy...and why she reacted so violently towards him no longer loving her, but merely explaining her as being a phase in his life that he needed to get to where he now is, but also as a memory he at least holds dear, even if he no longer loves her.

As we know, Buffy likes to lash out when she is hurt. Usually when she does, (as in Sanctuary) it serves to show just how strong the current between them runs. But in this case, she knows she has nothing left to lose --she's already lost Angel.

Think back to Spike's little speech in lover's walk: "You'll fight, you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends"

Oh...and it took me listening to several depressing love songs to write this sucker. (Didn't realize I had so many on CD either...scary thought)

Thanks for reading...please don't hurt me too badly! Feedback is appreciated.

Carrie

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