Half-Blood, Half-Baked.
1/12/2005
(Previously: In the middle of... some forest, you know the one, HARRY POTTER, RON WEASLY, and HERMOINE... GRANGER? IS THAT RIGHT? I THINK IT'S GRANGER. MIGHT BE SPELLED WITH AN "I", THOUGH... searched diligently for the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE, prophesied to hold a mighty treasure trove of old essay papers for sale. Instead, our heroes encountered a young man named TRUNKS, an amazing boy from twenty years in the future, determined to save his world by changing the past. After beating him to death, the trio from Hogwarts has resolved to toss his dead body on the beach, but a new figure has arrived, one with very different ideas in mind...)

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince(s)


NAMOR: By Neptune's Trident! Who dares intrude upon the borders of proud Atlantis?! What wretched manner of landwalker thinks he can pollute the oceans with his misdeeds, without drawing the incandescent ire of Namor The First, the One True Sub-Mariner!?

HERMOINE: You already said all that a minute ago, dumbass. Get to the point.

NAMOR: Aye, air-breather, and now I have said it again, so that those who had read the last part of this story shall continue on, their memories refreshed of what has transpired previously! Now speak, child, lest you incur the naked wrath of the Savage Sub-Mariner!

HARRY: Yeah, speaking of naked, what's up with the little green undies, anyway? You look like Mr. Spock and Robin the Boy Wonder had a gay love child, and he fell down the gay tree and hit all the especially gay braches on the way down. Gay.

NAMOR: You dare? You dare to question the birthright and heterosexuality of the Prince of Seas? You, who skulk through the night like a band of theives, dragging your drunken friend here so he might throw up in my domain?

HARRY: (looks down at Trunks) Drunk? Criminy, mate, he ain't drunk. He's dead. (kicks the body a little to demonstrate).

TRUNKS: N-not yet. Still... barely... clinging to ... life--

HERMOINE: (beats him again with magic wand to finish him off) Right. He's dead, and we were gonna toss him in the drink to cover the evidence. So how about it, are you going to turn us in or what? Because anything's better than standing around here freezing my bum off while you float around up their in your knickers.

NAMOR: Nay, landling, for I now recognize that boy, and my royal memory now remembers that I hate his dad. Seriously, he's like totally a rip-off of me. The hair and everything. I mean, it's pathetic. Nonetheless, I forbid thee to dispose of his corpse in my oceans, and command that you find some other place to put him. Like the dark void of outer space. I don't run any of that, so it's cool with me.

HERMOINE: You bloody ponce, how do you expect us to shoot him into outer space? Listen, all I'm interested in is finding this blasted half-blood prince, so I can buy a term paper from him and pass my lit class.

RON: Wait, Hermoine! Don't you see, we've already found him!

HERMOINE: What? I thought we left you back at campus, hanging from a flagpole by your underwear. Wait, no, that was the dream I had last night. I just hate when that happens. But anyway, what the hell are you talking about?

RON: That's Namor, the Sub-Mariner, and as the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe (1986 edition) clearly states, he's the son of an Atlanean princess and a human sea captain!

HERMOINE: What, so he's a comic book guy? First anime and now this? If I'd known this whole countryside were infested with nerds, I never would have left Belarus. What's next, the robot from "The Black Hole"?

HARRY: You're from Belarus originally?

HERMOINE: Yeah, say it real loud, why don't you, so the international court can hear. (mumbles) "Oh, sure, Miss Granger, once the rebel encampment is destroyed, we'll make sure no one prosecutes you for war crimes." Next time you need a merc, feel free to shove off...

RON: So please, Your Majesty, if you'll only show us your stock of copied homework, we'll make our purchase and be on our way.

NAMOR: By the Swirling Sargasso! You seek me as an accomplice in your dishonorable plot? Be warned, whelp, for though you may know much of the Sub-Mariner's secret origin and his first meeting with the X-Men in the early 1960's, you gravely underestimate the integrity of the scion of Atlantis!

RON: But the engraving said...

HERMOINE: Oh, give it a rest, Opie, he's not gonna help us. What, you think he's carrying ten pages of power writing about Chaucer in his speedo? Let's just get out of here while he's still got some clothes on.

HARRY: Yeah, Aquaman's cooler anyway.

NAMOR: WHAT?!

HERMOINE: Oh, great, now he's gonna talk again.

NAMOR: By Neptune's Trident! My noble outrage towards the men of the surface world has become legendary, and yet never has my patience been tried such as it has by the likes of you three wretches! Such indignities are not to be borne! Not even the brutish Hulk has ever spoken to me with such flagrant disrespect! Me, a sovreign Prince of the Blood!

RON: You mean Prince of the Half-Blood, don't you?

(Namor glares furiously at Ron, then punches the living daylights out of him)

RON: Aiiiiieeeeeee! (sails off into the horizon)

NAMOR: IMPERIUS REX! (he flies after Ron to give pursuit, leaving Hermoine and Harry alone on the beach)

HARRY: (rubs his hands together) Hey, all right, now I'm free to make my move...

HERMOINE: Shut up. That nude elf finally did us a favor, and you're ruining the moment. Now let's get out of here before anymore upbeat redheaded boys start tagging along with us.

HARRY: But what about your assignment?

HERMOINE: I'll figure something else out. Might try heading back to the dorm and fake my roommate's suicide. Yeah, then I'd pass the whole semester, and I might get the Yakuza off my back for a few more years...

HARRY: (kicks Trunks' dead body again) And what about--?

HERMOINE: Who cares? Let's just go already!

(She leaves, and Harry hurries to catch up to her.)

(Several hours later...)

TEELA: And that's why I'll never go out with you, Adam. Now, as to why you'll never cut it as a warrior-- Wait a centon, what's that on the surf over there?

PRINCE ADAM: By the Scorceress, Teela! It appears to be a dead body! Judging from his purple hair and cheap clothing, I'd say he must have been a drug addict who overdosed and wandered out here to die.

CRINGER: Rrrrr I don't think we should get involved, with this. We should go back to the castle, Adam.

TEELA: Don't be absurd, Cringer. We have to report this to the authorities. I'll just call 911 and the three of us will stand right here, together, until the police arrive. Yes, that's the best course of action, none of us letting each other out of their sight. It can't miss.

PRINCE ADAM: Uh... say, Teela, that reminds me. You're adopted, and your birth parents called me a few days ago to tell me they were coming over to visit you... uh, right now. Yeah, they said they know you're busy and everything, so if you weren't there when they showed up, they'd just leave and never bother you again. Something along those lines. I wrote it down when they said it, but I lost the note.

TEELA: What? Holy... Adam, you stay here, I'll be right back!

(she runs off, leaving Adam and Cringer alone)

CRINGER: Rrrrrwas that such a good idea, Adam? Now what'll you do the next time you need to get rid of her?

ADAM: Look, I couldn't just keep telling her I had to use the bathroom. You say that too many times in one day and people start to think there's something wrong with you. Besides, this dead body won't investigate himself! And I'm afraid Prince Adam and his faithful companion Cringer won't be able to do that, either.

CRINGER: Rrrrrwhat about Batman?

ADAM: (holding aloft his magic sword) No time, old friend. BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!

{TO BE CONCLUDED}

*Disclaimer: The author, while attempting to tide over the anxious public by providing a bootleg Harry Potter Novel months before the release of the real thing, has absolutely no idea what he's doing, and has conducted no reasearch into the characters whatsoever, save for noticing that one ad for the movie where Hermoine totally hauls off and decks some other kid. Credit where it's due, that was actually pretty awesome. Void where prohibited.

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