Last time, on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...

Hey!

Snape

kills

Dumbledore!

...

Nooooooo!

You

bitch!

You

bitch!

Of course, I've known this from the beginning. That's because Khan told me when I bought the book, many months ago. And thus, the book is ruined.

Well, no, not really. Since I'm thinking about the subject anyway, I might as well discuss the phenomenon of spoilers a little bit. For anyone new to teh intarnets, a "spoiler" is when information about an upcoming book, movie, or other form of entertainment, is divulged to a person before he or she can experience it for himself. Perhaps the most classic example of a spoiler is an old "Peanuts" comic where Linus is sitting down to watch "Citizen Kane" for the first time ever, and when Lucy learns that he's never seen the movie before, she tells him that "Rosebud" was the name of his sled. The last panel is Linus screaming in frustration.

As a kid, it took me hours to figure out the joke, mainly because I'd never heard of this movie, nor did I have any inkling as to what "Rosebud" was supposed to have to do with it. Eventually, I worked it out, and to this day I still haven't seen the movie, although from what I've pieced together over the years, I've come to appreciate the brilliance of the movie's premise: A man who acquires great wealth and power, yet he's bitter over the one thing he can never have, which is the sled he used to play with as a child. Looking back, I've come to find Linus' reaction rather silly. Granted, the entire movie is about a reporter who tries to unravel the mystery of Kane's cryptic last words, but the mystery itself isn't the story. If that were true, then the movie would have never become the acclaimed classic it is today. People would watch it the one time, find out what "Rosebud" is, and then never want to see it again. The fact that anyone watches anything a second or third time goes to show that spoilers are ultimately irrelevant. If something's good, it doesn't matter how much you know about it going in. Take the Star Wars movies for instance. You'd never find a more spoiler-phobic fandom than Star Wars, and yet the entire series culminates with part three of a six-part story. If a spoiler-free environment were so critical to entertainment, then "Revenge of the Sith" should have been panned as a terrible film, simply because the other five movies gave away the entire story. Hell, you could piece most of the story together by going to Wal-Mart and reading the backs of the toy packaging. Clearly, this didn't seem to bother anyone.

And on a more personal note, I always found Linus' reaction pathetic. Is Lucy a bitch? Sure she is, but why let her get under your skin like that? So "Rosebud" is a sled. Why give empower her by giving her the reaction she wanted? This is why I've never taken spoilers very seriously, and why I've always felt a twinge of disgust when I see people who do. Hypersensitivity to spoilers eventually means you have to close off all contact with anyone, for fear that someone MIGHT give away the plot twist to a story you MIGHT plan on checking out some day. It's just not worth the effort. I'm not saying people shouldn't LJ-cut when they discuss popular new movies, and I don't mean that you should abandon all common courtesy, but I think there's a happy medium between Linus and Lucy, and I wish more people would learn to find it.

Getting back on topic, I found it very pompous and self-aggrandizing the way Rowling's publisher handled the release of Book 6. The copies were shipped in these stupid looking boxes, with labels written in that "Harry Potter" font warning that they were not to be opened until July 16, or whenever it was. Some goober up in Canada or something scored a copy early somehow, and it was treated like a kidnapping by the media, with all this nonsense about returning the book right away, and "I only read a few pages". So what? And in spite of all the security measures taken to make damn sure no one laid eyes on the book before July 16, the entire thing was all over the internet in China. Because China doesn't give a rat's ass. I think there's bootleggers in China who just write their own versions when they don't want to wait for the real thing, which I can respect.

Still, if you read English, you had to wait. And for what? Horace Slughorn's love for pineapple flavored candy? The thrilling mystery of Tonks' original hair color? The train from the last five books wasn't sucked into a black hole and eaten by metal-eating dinosaurs over the summer? When I started this book, I had planned on poking fun at what happened in the book itself, but as longtime readers have surely noticed by now, half of my synopses have been me making stuff up to keep myself amused. If anything, I took comfort in knowing Snape Kills Dumbledore, because it meant that no matter how boring that Christmas Party got, I had a guarantee that SOMETHING would happen before the book was over.

And it's not like the book itself didn't set this up early on. The whole point of Chapter 2 was that Snape was pretty much put in a position where he'd be forced to do something drastic later on, and killing your boss is about as drastic as it gets, even if you don't like him.

More importantly, part of the reason spoilers don't bug me much is because a lot of times you can't even believe them. Back when "Return of the King" was about to hit theaters, there was a rumor going around that Legolas would die, which was, of course, a clever prank by fans of the books to fool Orlando Bloom fangirls who only watched the movies. Now, I'd never read the books either, so for all I knew it was true, so I went to the movie seriously unsure if Legolas would die or not. Hell, I thought he died a couple of times in "The Two Towers", but those were just some other blonde shemale elves standing around Helm's Deep, I guess. Anyway, fans sometimes lie, or get things wrong. Sometimes the characters can't be trusted either. So Darth Vader says he's Luke's father. He also said he wouldn't blow up Alderaan, and that he'd leave Leia and Chewie in Lando's custody, so consider the source first. For that matter, his wife could have cheated on him. You never know. Point is, hearing that Snape kills Dumbledore didn't affect my experience with the book. The fact that he kills him isn't the issue, it's if he kills him, and how and why.

And that's my little rant about spoilers. In the spirit of not letting spoilers bother us, I present to you, the viewing public, several spoilers to stuff I've seen in my lifetime.

1) In the movie "The Village", the titular village only appears to be a remote, early 19th century colony. It is, in fact, a settlement built in a national forest sometime in the 1970's, by a group of people who felt modern civilization had become too violent, and that only by isolating themselves and reverting to a pre-Industrial society could they live and raise their children in peace.

2) Data dies in "Star Trek: Nemesis". Stupidly, at that.

3) The Cyborg Superman is evil.

4) In the Excel Saga manga, Hyatt is probably a robot.

5) Despite narrating much of the film in the past tense, Joe Pesci's character is brutally beaten and buried alive in a cornfield at the end of "Casino".

6) In the film "Serenity", River Tam sucks. Hard.

7) In the 1960's "Batman" TV show, Barbara Gordon was Batgirl along. Don't be fooled by the different hair colors. Batgirl's red hair is just part of her mask.

8) In the last episode of M*A*S*H, B.J. Hunnicut says goodbye to Hawkeye by arranging dozens of stones in the shape of the word "GOODBYE", which Hawkeye sees as he leaves the camp via helicopter.

9) Doc Brown doesn't REALLY die in the beginning of "Back to the Future, Part I". In spite of his protestations, he reads Marty's note in 1955 and makes sure to wear a bulletproof vest when Lybian terrorists gun him down in 1985.

10) Serena Sutherland on "Law & Order" is a lesbian. This is not why Arthur Branch fired her, however. Rather, he fired her for being a whiny liberal.

11) In the Sesame Street Christmas special that aired like five hundred years ago, Ernie sells his rubber duckie to Mr. Hooper to buy Bert a cigar box to keep his paper clip collection in, while Bert sells his paper clip collection to buy Ernie a soapdish for his rubber duckie, in an homage to O. Henry's classic short story The Gift of the Magi. However, Mr. Hooper shows up at their place just after they exchange gifts to give them presents of his own, which turn out to be the paperclips and rubber duck they pawned off to him in the first place. Thus, Mr. Hooper pwns O. Henry. I'd pour a malt liquor on the ground in tribute to Mr. Hooper, if only I had one.

12) Jesus gets crucified, but he totally comes back three days later.

13) Gambit is like Sinister's mutant clone or something.

All right, maybe I should get on with the review now.


Chapter 28: Flight of the Prince
(Original Japanese Title: "'Don't Call Me Coward!!' Snape-sensei kills an old man and runs away.")

As I said before, Snape killed Dumbledore, so now that that's done, he's signaled the Death Eaters to withdraw from the school. Since the whole property is proofed against teleportation, that means they have to hoof it to the main gates if they want to make a clean getaway. With the element of surprise still firmly on their side, however, this ain't no thing. It's more fun if you imagine the Death Eaters fleeing Autobot City and piling up inside of Astrotrain. Hee hee hee, Rumble's carrying Megatron's cannon.

I'm assuming that since Dumbledore was the one who immobilized Harry in the first place, the reason that Harry can suddenly move again is that Dumbledore's death broke the spell. Coincidence or not, Harry gives pursuit, which leads him into the thick of the battle that's been going on since the last chapter. Fenrir Greyback attacks him, but before he can sink his teeth into Harry, someone immobilizes him at the last second, and Harry shoves his frozen body out of the way and moves on. Now that I think about it, did they just leave Greyback to be captured? Because there's no way that spell wore off on its own quickly enough for him to join his teammates, and I don't really think the Death Eaters are above leaving a man behind.

Anyway, Harry finds a couple of bodies lying facedown in a pool of blood, but before we get any idea who they are or whether they're alive or dead, he finds Ginny fighting a Death Eater, so he interferes on her behalf. She asks where he came from, but Harry doesn't stop to talk, since he's gotta catch Snape and all. Along the way he passes the other combatants, including Ron, Professor McGonagall, Lupin, Tonks, and Neville Longbottom. And it's about here that I realize how weird this whole fight scene really is. Granted, any one of these people could drop me in a heartbeat, what with all the magic super-powers and all. Nevertheless, the previous chapter made it sound like World War III was breaking out downstairs, and the first person Harry spots in this melee is... the little red-haired girl he's had a crush on all year. Now I've been waiting for some kind of big fight since this book started, but now that we've come to the end it almost feels tacked on, because I'm so used to watching these characters do nothing but talk to each other and engage in idle speculation. It'd be like having a gunfight at the end of Emma. Maybe it would be cool, but it still wouldn't feel very natural. Of course, what's so wrong about all this is that while Ron and Neville might seem like unlikely warriors, Lupin and Tonks are SUPPOSED to be out here doing this, and yet it still feels weird, just because we haven't seen them really do anything throughout the whole book. Hell, this is Lupin's second appearance, by my count.

Along the way, Harry wonders if the Death Eaters will escape the same way they got in, but a bloody footprint on the floor indicates that they're headed for the main gate, suggesting that their passage through the Room of Requirement is no longer accessible to them. This gives Harry the opportunity to notice all the stuff that's been broken and bloodied throughout the school, which might mean something to someone else, but I didn't even know Hogwarts had a giant hourglass full of rubies in the first place, so big whoop if it gets busted now.

Eventually, he gets within sight of Snape, Señor Draco, and some "huge blond Death Eater" who's been mentioned a few times, but never named. We'll just assume this is WWE superstar and ten-time World Champion Triple H. Outdoors, Harry notices Hagrid up ahead, already trying to intercept the trio, but before Harry can help, two more Death Eaters attack him from behind. Harry manages to take them out in one shot, which he attributes to a miraculous stroke of luck, and he keeps going.

So now it's Triple H vs. Hagrid, and since Hagrid is part-giant or something, he's mostly immune to Triple H's Pedigree. With them occupied, Harry continues after Snape and Draco. Once he's in range he fires a shot with his wand, but it misses, and Snape shoos Señor Draco on ahead while he stops to deal with Harry. They stand sixty feet apart, wands drawn simultaneously, which would remind me a lot of a western if it weren't for what happens from here.

Basically, Harry can't do jack crap against Snape. What with this being the climactic battle at the end of this book, I kind of expected a little more out of these two, but it's basically Harry starts a spell, and Snape blocks it before he can connect. I'm not really clear on the mechanics of spellcasting, but since Harry only manages to say the first half of his incantation before Snape blocks it, I'm guessing that the magic starts up in the middle of the word, and the target has until you finish speaking to deflect it. That being the case, I'm starting to appreciate the full advantage to doing this in your head, as opposed to blabbing it out loud.

And that's pretty much the situation here. Harry's frustrated because he's getting colossally pwned, Snape's angry, probably because Harry's such an disappointing opponent, and I'm frustrated AND angry for the same reasons. Remember the final lightsaber duel at the end of Episode III? Well, this is the exact opposite of that. Moments like these are when I recall all the people who've said to me "Well how can you say you don't like the books when you haven't READ them yet?" Well, I guess I'm freaking psychic, how about that? All I know is I'm reading this now and it blows. And don't try to tell me the other books had better fights. Obviously, Harry'd be even WEAKER than this, because he's younger and less experienced.

Perhaps embarrassed by his own ineptitude, Harry yells at Snape to fight back, calling him a coward. Right, because it takes so much courage to fight someone who doesn't know what he's doing. Snape wonders aloud what Harry would have called his father then, since the only way James Potter would attack Snape was four-on-one. I gotta hand it to the guy, he's got an answer for everything.

Harry tries again, but Triple H hits him with his sledgehammer from behind. Harry's certain this is the end for him, but Snape forcefully reminds Triple H that they have standing orders from Voldemort NOT to kill Harry, since Voldemort wants him all to himself. So now Snape is carrying Harry through this entire fight. I'm starting to see why so many people like Snape so much, because the title character is so f***ing pathetic. Seriously, is Snape gonna take Harry back to his room, tuck him in and feed him baby food later?

MEANWHILE...

BEATRIX KIDDO: I am gonna KILL... Dumbledore.

ME: Sorry, he's already dead.

KIDDO: lying on bathroom floor crying with joy Thank you, thank you, thank you!

ME: Man, that movie was so much better than this piece of crap.

Back to our "exciting" story. Harry's curled up in a fetal position on the ground, but so great is his hatred for Snape that he pushes past the pain and lets out a mighty yell of rage, and forces himself back on his feet. Super Dumbass 3! And it just wouldn't be Super Dumbass 3 without... that's right, Secutmsempra, the spell that put the "depraved" in "depraved indifference". Notice how this is Harry's third use of the spell, despite the fact that it's pretty much failed him utterly every time he's tried it. Let's consider the history behind this spell:

Chapter 24: Harry uses Sectumsempra against Señor Draco during an altercation in the boys' restroom, despite having no idea what its effects will be. As a result, Malfoy is hospitalized and Harry gets detention every Saturday for the rest of the year, at least.

Chapter 26: Confronted by the living dead, Harry panics and uses Sectumsempra to defend himself. As the zombies are completely exsanguinated to begin with, the deep wounds inflicted by the spell do nothing to slow their advance.

Chapter 28: Harry uses Sectumsempra, which Snape had informed him is one of the Dark Arts, against Snape, his professor in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Super. Dumbass. 3.

Needless to say, Snape just blocks it like everything else. It's about here when Harry notices how furious Snape's expression is, and how intense he looks, especially with all the fire in the background (Triple H set Hagrid's house on fire, BTW). Harry gives it one more try, finally going nonverbal with Levicorpus. Yeah, right. You used that one on Ron, and he ended up using it as an amusing anecdote for his girlfriend. Why not just sing Snape a lullaby? It'd be as effective. Probably more insulted than threatened, Snape blocks this one too and knocks Harry to the ground and causing his wand to fly out of his hand. Since this scene seems determined to be the anti-Battle of Heroes, we'll pretend Snape cut off Harry's legs and one of his arms, and the kid got all burnt up in that fire. Furious, Snape just looks down at his fallen adversary and former student. He doesn't shout "You were the CHOSEN ONE!" with heartbroken disappointment, but notice how well that line would fit in this moment. Seriously, this kid's supposed to save the world? He can't even beat this one guy. Even if Dumbledore's right, and all Harry needs is the power of LUV (Luv made the miracle!!), all Harry seems to be running on lately is pure hatred for his enemies, so you have to wonder.

No, instead, Snape simply adds insult to injury: "You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? It was I who invented them -- I, the Half-Blood Prince! And you'd turn my inventions on me, like your filthy father, would you? I don't think so... no!"

All right, a few problems with this.

First of all, I don't think it needs to be said at this point, but I totally saw this coming. Admittedly, someone may have revealed Halfy's identity to me before I made the decision to read this book. However, the fact that I can't remember probably means this didn't influence my thinking much. Let's recall my reasoning from Chapter Nine:

1) Irony. Chapter Nine was all about Harry's first DADA class with Snape, and his first Potions class with the Half-Blood Prince's textbook. The idea that these two seemingly unrelated scenes might be tied together was simply too good for Snape NOT to be the Prince, and this was reinforced throughout the book, as Harry wondered if the Prince was someone he would have liked, such as his own father, a friend of his father's, and so on, while the narrative frequently pointed out how most of the stuff Harry learned from the Prince he could have picked up from Snape if he'd just paid more attention in class.

2) It's Snape's Subject. The book itself made little attempt to obscure this point, since Snape was the only Potions Guru besides Slughorn, who simply didn't fit the Prince's profile. For me, this was abundantly obvious because I spent most of Chapter Eight knocking on Snape, and people responded by telling me what a devoted Potions Master he is. Compare to the Prince, who's book is a Potions textbook, one that's been kept in Snape's classroom ever since, which has never been discovered until now, when Snape is no longer there to keep students from seeing it. Further, Snape's NEW subject this year is all about nonverbal spells and the Dark Arts, both of which are subjects the Prince dealt with in his notes.

3) Law of Conservation of Characters. Given the above, the only way the Prince could have been anyone else would be if he were an all-new character, which defeats the point of him having a dual identity in the first place. No, the Prince was an already-established character, and no one else fit nearly as well as Snape did. This has frustrated me throughout the book, as Rowling seemed determined NOT to mention anyone else who might fit the Prince's clues. Rather, she seemed to employ a tactic of keeping the mystery on the back-burner, as if the reader wouldn't figure it out just because Harry never spent much time thinking about it himself.

There were other clues, such as Snape's suspicion of Harry's skill in Potions this year in Chapter 15, and Snape's recognition of Sectumsempra in Chapter 24. Perhaps the most insulting to my intelligence was the part when Harry recalled that his father had used Levicorpus on Snape, and simply never bothered to considered that this would have made Snape a prime suspect. I've been told that the main reason no one thought it was Snape was because no one figured him for a half-blood, but this was EXACTLY what drew me to him (See: Irony). The whole point of the Half-Blood Prince moniker was that the guy didn't want to be connected to the name anymore. Otherwise, Harry would have known the Prince long before getting his textbook, because the guy would have just introduced himself as "The Half-Blood Prince." Clearly, half of the surprise of finding out who the Prince really was would be the revelation that the person is half-blood and we didn't know. And since the Death Eaters are so big on racial purity or whatever, and Snape's already pretty questionable as a Death-Eater, it makes perfect sense for him to be the guy. The only way you'd miss it would be to make assumptions about who Snape is, but this book has shattered any and all assumptions about Snape since page 19. In short, this whole mystery was pretty lame.

Second problem. You're telling me THIS is Snape's big reveal? He doesn't really build up to it or anything. He just says he's the Half-Blood Prince and that's it. We don't even get a reaction from Harry, because he's too shocked over Snape killing Dumbledore for anything else to sink in. Bad enough that I figured it out from the start, but by the time the main character finds out, it almost doesn't even matter. So Snape's the Half-Blood Prince. At this point, what difference does it make? It's not like Snape needed to be the Prince to kill Dumbledore or effortlessly defeat Harry. And really, it's not like the Prince needed to be Snape for us to be leery of him, what with the dark magic in his textbook and all. I get the impression that the only reason this Half-Blood Prince stuff was even invented was because Rowling realized what a dull title Harry Potter and Severus Snape would be.

Thirdly, the much bigger revelation here seems to be that Snape has a beard. I say this because of the illustration at the beginning of the chapter, featuring an angry man with long, straight hair brandishing a wand while a fire burns in the background. I've been trying to figure out who that guy is since I checked out all the pictures in the book. At first I thought he was Voldemort, because it seemed like it'd be late enough in the book for him to show up. Then I decided it had to be Greyback, because his forehead seemed unusually savage to me. But as I review this chapter, I see now that the only person who fits this scene is Snape, because this fire is Hagrid's house burning up, and the only adult men in this scene are Snape, Hagrid, Triple H, and one more Death Eater whom Snape ordered to stand down. So not only does this chapter reveal that Snape is the Half-Blood Prince, but he's also Pissed-Off Beard Guy, too. Looks good on him. I don't know whether to be irritated with Rowling for not mentioning this when describing Snape's features in Chapter Two, or if I should be grateful to Mary GrandPrè for managing to inject an actual surprise into this book. Come to think of it, Harry Potter and Pissed-Off Beard Guy would have been a pretty decent title as well. Actually, that'd probably be a good name for this series of reviews.

Still refusing to recognize his uselessness, Harry goes for his wand, but Snape just knocks it further out of reach. Broken but unbowed, Harry tells Snape to kill him, then, the same way he killed his father. What, so he wants Snape to tell Voldemort to kill him? That'd take all night. Rowling points out that Harry "felt no fear at all" in the face of certain defeat, but rather "rage and contempt." I'm reminded of a line from the He-Man cartoon, where the Sorceress cautions a confident He-Man that "it will take more than courage" to stop Skeletor's plan. The point I'm making here is that courage seems to be the only thing Harry has going for him, and if I'm getting any sort of a moral from this book, it's that courage alone doesn't get you anywhere. So he's not afraid to die. Big deal. Unless you're skillful enough or clever enough or strong enough not to die in the first place, it doesn't really make a difference whether you're scared.

In any case, he calls Snape a coward one more time, which makes Snape furious. I guess he really hates being called that. Before he can do anything about it, though, Buckbeak shows up and chases him away from Harry and all the way to the gate, where he teleports away to safety.

In the aftermath of all this, Harry finds Hagrid saving his stupid dog from his burning house, and then they put out the fire with magic, and Harry explains to Hagrid that Snape killed Dumbledore. Since everyone in this book drinks idiot juice for every meal, Hagrid is certain that Harry must be wrong, but it doesn't take long before Hagrid discovers the crowd gathered around D-Dore's dead body at the foot of the Astronomy Tower. Rather than argue the point, Harry simply waits for everyone to see for themselves. He himself knew from the moment he was able to move again, since the only way that would have happened was if the spellcaster had died. So, yeah, I guess that answers my question from before.

Kneeling over the body, Harry finds the locket they had obtained earlier that evening, and almost immediately he checks it over, thinking something's not quite right about it. Sure enough, now that he's finally able to get a good look at the thing, he realizes it looks nothing like the one he'd seen in those old memories of Voldemort's mother and grandfather. Different size, no "S" monogram, none of that. Inside, he finds a note, which Harry numbly reads.

To the Dark Lord
know I will be dead long before you read this
but I want you to know that it was I who discovered your secret.
I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I can.
I face death in the hope that when you meet your match,
you will be mortal once more.
R.A.B.

...

You have GOT to be SHITTING me, Pyle. So this whole book, which was devoted to tracking down these stupid Horcruxes, has all been a colossal waste of time, because some much smarter protagonist in some other book already took care of this a long time ago. The tragic irony of all of this is not lost on Harry, who starts crying, and that's the end of the chapter.

At the rate we're going, Snape's probably R.A.B., too.

Granted, there's a certain "shock follows shock" feel that I appreciate here, but I would have preferred it if this R.A.B. bit hadn't invalidated much of the book's plot. Why did I have to read all those chapters where Dumbledore spends the whole year setting Harry up for this Horcrux quest, when this other guy figured it out all by himself and he's already on top of it? Why can't I be reading about THAT GUY? I'm pretty sure R.A.B. doesn't get immobilized whenever important stuff is going on, and he probably gets at least some offense in most of the fights he's in.

Between that, and this Half-Blood Prince non-issue, I've really got nothing nice to say about this book at all right now. Seriously, this book should have STARTED with Snape killing Dumbledore, and moved on from there, because that's been the only meaningful development in this whole blasted thing. What is this book, after all, if not a 652 page advertisement for Book 7? It's WCW Monday Nitro all over again. Fans, we're out of time, see you next week. What a load.



RATING: BAD

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