Harry possesses numerous powers and skills, thanks to his training as a wizard and the harsh life of a fictional British orphan.  For example, he can lie very still while stronger characters fight in his place.  Also, when a problem is too difficult or complicated, he simply ignores it and approaches a less important problem instead, until someone else provides him with a solution.  The distinctive scars on his forehead and hands are a testament to how easily Harry's enemies can carve doodles and crib notes into his flesh. 

Often seen with longtime friends Ron and Hermione, a group which has been unofficially been termed "The Trio."  I prefer to call them "the nWo", but then again, I call everything "the nWo".

Fun Fact: Ironically, all the personality traits that supposedly make Harry a better hero in his books are the same flaws that turn Anakin Skywalker into a tragic villain in Star Wars.  Deep, huh?

Ron Weasley

Harry's answer to Jimmy Olsen, which is pretty scary when you imagine someone even dumber, angrier, and more useless than Harry Potter.  Puberty hasn't been kind to young Ron, as he spends most of the book either making a colossal ass of himself, or feeling intense regret for alienating his friends.  Transformed into a murderous laser canon about halfway into the book, which surprisingly improves his disposition.

Fun Fact: While the rest of the characters are at least superficially focuses on national security and academic success, Ron's interests remain fixed entirely on moving out of his parents' place and making out 24-7.  This makes him either the dumbest guy in the story or the smartest, depending on how you look at it. 

The smart girl in class, although this isn't a tough reputation to maintain when you spend all your time with two idiots like Harry and Ron.  Fights with Ron all through the book, only to end up going steady with him by the end, but I think this had more to do with sympathy than attraction.  Will research anything at the drop of a hat, although her legwork never seems to accomplish anything useful.

Unlike your typical HP wizards, who inherit their powers from one or both parents, Hermione is the offspring of two mild-mannered dentists.  This is how you can tell the books are works of fantasy, because everyone knows that there is no such thing as a British dentist. 

Fun Fact: It's only half past twelve, but I don't care; it's five o'clock somewhere. 

Ginny Weasley

Ron's younger sister, although I mistakenly assumed her to be older for some reason.  Literally Mary Jane to Harry's Spider-Man, as the two characters conclude the novel by basically re-enacting the funeral scene to the 2002 film Spider-Man.  I fully expect Harry to beat up Doctor Octopus in Book 7 and then spend some quality time with Ginny in a makeshift hammock made from web fluid.

Ginny's sort of a supporting character, as she only seems to show up just long enough to emasculate Ron, participate in sporting events, and create sexual tension for Harry. 

Fun Fact: An image search for Ginny on Google turns up a lot of crap, so I just went with this scan from Amazing Spider-Man #42.  Rowling apparently didn't think you'd notice the difference, so I don't see why I should give you any more credit.

Draco Malfoy

 A story of pain and sorrow, not intented for comfort or laughter...a story that remains untold, on of abuse and blood...telling of a shattered girl who learned to twist a heart of stone into one of warm gold. This is not a story for the faint of heart, nor the happy in spirit. But for those who are able to understand what it means to be hurt...to watch as a girl's spirit is shattered like glass upon concrete. Watch as she melts the young master's heart of ice, and watch as she helps him heal. She has no name, but his...is Señor Draco.

Fun Fact: Despite cramming dozens of annoying characters into the series, Rowling apparently felt we needed a spoiled, self-important brat on top of everything else.  This is how you know she hates me. 

The headmaster of Hogwarts, which is the magic school where Harry attends classes to become a fully accredited wizard or whatever.  Being that "Albus Dumbledore" takes for-freaking-ever to type, I prefer to call him "Big Al" or "D-dore" for short, so be advised.  As is the case with all manipulative, grandfatherly authority figures in pop literature, everyone assumes that Dumbledore has some master plan to save the day, yet at the same time no trusts the old man's judgement.  Whether or not he actually has a plan is never made clear by the end of the book, which leads me to believe he's just making it up as he goes.  Basically a laid-back, patronizing version of Gandalf the White, or a  more senile version of Professor X.

Fun Fact: Snape kills him on page 596.  Well, I thought it was fun.

Despite his allegiance to the Death Eaters, Dumbledore trusts Snape implicity, and so to keep anyone from being sure just where his loyalties lie, Snape has been depicted as a very morally ambivalent character.  This means Chicks Dig Snape.  Hot chicks, too.  If you're having trouble with women, chances are it's because you don't fully appreciate the intricate complexities of Snape's character.  And if you're a heterosexual male, chances are you're perfectly happy with that. 

Fun Fact: Snape's last known contact with shampoo took place in 1972. 

The new character, sort of like how Lando Calrissian was introduced in the second Star Wars movie.  Only, you know, not cool.  Dumbledore recruits Slughorn out of retirement to fill an open slot in the Hogwarts faculty, but he has an ulterior motive in mind.  Dumbledore has an ulterior motive, I mean.  Slughorn's as transparent as a windshield, so his only ulterior motive is to buy candy under the pretense of giving it to other people for Christmas. 

Besides delicious ham, Slughorn's main weakness is his fascination with celebrity.  Were he an American, he'd probably settle for calling in to the Howard Stern show every five minutes, but as it is he prefers to hobknob with certain students in the hopes that they'll become famous later in life and invite him to parties and stuff.  This is how you can tell it's a 600+ page book, because there's actually room for a dull premise like this.

Since he's the new guy, Horace is just about the only Harry Potter character who doesn't have a hundred crappy anime-esque fan art images polluting Google, so I went with this picture of 27th President and 10th Chief Justice of the United States, William Howard Taft.

Fun Fact: Slughorn is very fat.

The bad guy of the series.  While he never actually appears in the main story, much of the book is dedicated to his origin, which is actually a very compelling analysis of his psyche.  A narcissistic sociopath obsessed with immortality, Riddle appointed himself "Lord Voldemort", a nom de guerre based on an anagram of his full name.  Yes, it's as retarded as it sounds.   I liked it better when Sergio Agrogenes did it in 1996.  The "Seagoing Soarer"?   Come on, that's classic. 

Fun Fact: Wikipedia describes Voldy as "the most forceful, powerful, and evil" bad guys in children's literature.  This is only because Megatron, Skeletor, and Mesmeron from the old Pac-Man cartoon are television characters.  Otherwise, Riddle would be serving those guys coffee and calling them  "sir". 

Like all identical twins in literature, both are protrayed as the same being, spread out over two bodies, with no distinctions whatsoever.  For this reason, I refer to them collectively as "F&G" which incidentally looks a lot like the word "FAG".  This is unintentional, although I have little doubt that some sick puppy is writing "twincest" fic about them as I write this, which makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Fun Fact: Unlike Xamot and Tomax from G.I. Joe, if you beat Fred to death with a crowbar, George won't feel it; you have to hit George, too.

When not baying at the moon or sneaking into enemy territory, Lupin's a pretty dull guy, which is why fans have chosen to embellish his life by inferring a gay love affair with Severus Snape.  This is based on sound logic, as it's obvious from the subtext of the books that Rowling uses lycanthropy as a euphemism for homosexuality.  For example, Lupin's obviously gay, and he's depicted as a werewolf, which as we all know is Rowling's metaphor for homosexuality.  Wait, did I say the logic was sound?  Becuase what I mean was "circular". 

Fun Fact: A master thief in the tradition of his father and grandfather before him, Lupin frequently operates with his longtime accomplices, Daisuke Jigen and Goemon Ishikawa, while evading the pursuit of the hapless Inspector Zenigata. 

....

Oh, wait.  Wrong guy. 

Mike Smith, aka The Disappointed Reader


Your humble host.  Initially, he attempted to play the reviews straight, only to give up on the book after about five chapters.  To stay sane, began embellishing the plot with additional characters and other made-up crap.  At some point, declares himself to be "Master Hitchplick".   As you can see from the file photo (left), he's pretty much distracted all throughout this process.

Mike's big on Dragon Ball Z, comic books, wrestling, and Count Dooku from Star Wars, so no matter how much he rags on your favorite books, you can rest easy knowing he has no taste whatsoever, and therefore his opinions aren't really that important.

Fun Fact: As natural as that shot might look, I had to cradle a lantern/flashlight between my legs and operate the mouse with my right foot to get my webcam to take the picture. 

Fun Fact: Bears don't like surprises.

Christian Friedrich Schönbein

German-Swiss chemist best known for his discovery of ozone in 1840, which he generated through the slow oxidation of white phosphorus and the electrolysis of water.  Although lacking in formal training, Schönbein nevertheless elected to the chair of Chemistry at the University of Basle, where he published more than 300 scientific papers.

Fun Fact: In 1845, after using his cotton apron to clean a nitric acid spill in his kitchen, Schönbein placed the cloth near his stove to dry, only for it to explode with a flash of light.  Realizing he had inadvertantly produced nitrocellulose (flash paper), Schönbein would go on to refine the process, thus creating a practical means of generating nitrocellulose, used in both gunpowder and photographic film.

It is the Year Chapter Five...
Like it or not, it's time to catch up with the Weasleys, from young Bill's upcoming marriage to some French chick, to Arthur's total ignorance of aerodynamics.   Plus: The Science Rant.