Quotes
of the Insane
In no particular order:
"When you blow your nose and
look, what do you expect to see? If you see the Virgin Mary, that's not
a medical condition - it's a psychological one!!!"
"Anyone who tries to proof
their own copy has a fool for a client."
"So, your kidney is saying 'I want some heartburn, vomit,
so-and-so. Do you have that in pill form?'"
"These were inanimate object that weren't
necessarily clients."
"Yeah, but no one's going to be
elbowing me in the head if I
start jerking it in bed."
"It comes down to 'A Big Mac' or
'Cocaine'. Which IS more harmful?"
"I'm the one who had sushi and you're the one who smells like dead
things."
"I'm tall - I could take like a nine inch dick."
"I guess maybe I'm pain girl."
"I'm going to go jump in the shower. And, by 'jump' I mean
'not trip'."
"So, what he's saying is that a movie you don't know about
is similar to a TV show you never heard of in a way other than you not
caring."
"If you can fit it in your mouth, it should be dipped in Ranch
dressing."
"For another $4, I'll gladly pay a liter extra!"
"I prefer my porn without Nazis."
"But I don't want to get dog shit on my slippers..."
"You don't hear it very often. It's like, every cell in body
strains a bit when I say 'you're right' or 'you win' - it just feels
unnatural!"
"How bad is it when you can't live up to Kid Rock's
standards?"
"You're going to look like a bunch of retarded kids
fingerpainting!"
"Her voice said sex-ed class, but her mouth said dildo party."
"I want to live on your head."
"That makes me feel sorta warm and paranoid inside."
"I think I know what's going on, but I halfway want to make sure she's
not getting ripped apart by wild dingoes."
"I wouldn't have to scratch my nose a foot from my face."
"I didn't know he was rotoring her rooter."
"This needs to go to commercial and I need to find socks."
"I concur with Yang's judicious non-answer."
"It was unsolicited - that makes it a bitch."
"It's hard enough to flirt when you only have to hold up one side of
the conversation."
"Mommy, I touched something I shouldn't have. Punish me please."
"Do you have a pet, or just a roommate?"
"I made my mom watch until she knew I wasn't really watching
porn."
"Well, I wouldn't call it cooking. I found something in the
freezer and I put it in the oven."
"His mountain god probably thinks he's got a small prick."
"She wasn't crazy, she was just aggressively eccentric."
"I am the difficult
person they cope with."
"You are the Angelina Jolie of cards - HOMEWRECKER!!!"
"I would agree with you... if you were right."
"Oops - I dropped my boobs on the ground."
"It's not
really ambiguous then - it's just wrong."
"Ah!
There's a fork in my pocket. No wonder my leg is sore!"
"I don't
think that's belligerant, I think that's a matter of fact."
"Why
stop? When I wiggle, you do that more."
"I can't find where I put the tickets... can I google my house?"
"Do you think that guy over there in the hat and wings could have shown
us a courtesy back waxing?"
"He eloped with pygmies?"
"I go home every night and say 'Honey! I touched more boobs today than
you did in high school.'"
"I'm a fire hazard."
"I'm not doing the stupid voice - I'm doing your inner voice!"
"How are you a political activist and not a music person?"
"If someone goes up the glass elevator in a skirt, this might be quite
fun. But then they can see down my dress!"
"I almost took a drink of my mashed potatoes!"
"This is the group of sexual tension that will not stop."
"Bullshit! South America is the military power in Africa!"
"By all means, if you want to keep going, I have all sorts of body
parts that need massaging."
"I don't want to have a foggy soot."
"I want my beer and my kids menu damnit!"
"Et tu Skank?"
"All those times I was on my best behavior... for what!? There is no
Santa!"
"I like to multi-slack."
"I resolve to steal some dirt this year."
"Eh, they're in college. It's like playing the lottery with the game
rigged."
"She tried to go 'It's bad luck to walk away from a gypsy,' and I went
'It's really bad luck to fuck with an Eep!'"
"He just got reverse-pittsnogled."
"It was a Jew joke gone bad."
"Don't you fucking extinguish my fever!"
"You could never be a year-round Bostonian."
"You don't understand; I bleed... well, Red."
"That marriage wont last long, with or without you in it."
"He was wondering why your fantasies went straight from adultery to sex
with a minor."
"Medium? Is that a cold word for hot?"
"So does we and us don't bitch about it."
"I slapped his whiffle bat!"
"You cannot foul him; he fouls you."
"It says 'Important Documents'. If that isn't your porn receptacle, it
should be."
"We're going to the beach; I need non-furry legs."
"If I just want to laugh and get my uglies stimulated, I'll watch this."
"Let it go! Just let it go! He clearly doesn't understand the term
deserted island."
"I'm a girl. For some reason that means they think I have a heart."
"If I'm 60, then 20 years in jail won't matter as much."
"I'd have to have a second heart just to run my penis!"
"I saw
someone selling snowballs."
"If
we're the FBI, we should beat him... he may be black."
"He
was asleep and masterbating at the same time."
"The
astute observations continue."
"I
had my child laminated."
"Plausible
deniability is going on in there."
"That's
the furthest from Guadalupe I've ever seen a drag rat."
"We
should rent that movie, just to hear the swear words."
"I
don't think that he lost a medically accurate amount of blood."
"Go
back to your snuff films, you dirty old man!"
"Heh!
It's the Jamaican
Taliban!"
"That
kind of research is why people never leave college."
"There
are none so blind as those who are dumb fucks."
"Circumsize
yourself if he really deserves a tip."
"...only
with money instead of swords."
"If
you
win the lottery and want to play a joke on the United States, Kucinich
is fundraising."
"Don't
be negative - no 'loser,' no 'lousy,' no 'sucks,' no nothing!
"We're
definately an avocado margarita."
"There's
nothing like attacking people to Christmas music."
"Honey
tastes better after a few shots of vinegar."
"Come
by
my office and we'll have a thought orgy."
"I
feel
like a right barbarian maiden now."
"The
term
is coR-Rapsed."
"They
found
a way to make us so shit faced we couldn't eat the seeds."
"That's
the second time someone's called me a bitch today. And it's only 9:30
(am)!"
"It
would
be cuter with a tail."
"When
it
comes to torture, animals are, like, more PC versions of kids."
"Damnit,
isn't there a happier word for drowning!?"
"Make
yourself
blind and go to sleep."
"Best
case
scenario - they're like 'Let the anal sex begin!'
"You
tweaping
twerk!"
"There's
not just right and wrong. There's that whole frowned upon area."
"I
like
my iced tea like I like my women; tall, bitter, and full of alcohol."
"If
they
don't involve at least Grant, I'm not interested."
"She
said
I was getting sobererer as I talkeded to herer."
"Even
though
it is downloading porn for me, I've got to close it."
"Why
do
I need pornography when I have a mirror?"
"-Busy-
meant 'sleeping' and with -homework- meant 'a guy in her English
class'."
"It
must
be reasonably safe if blind people live here."
"If
you
can bare it legally in a swimming pool then it's not flashing."
"I
could
have... with one push."
"She
doo
daa-ed from the bathroom."
"Whose
head got whacked?"
"If
you're
imagining closer, you're not imagining close enough."
"A
lot
of unnatural things go together in my mind."
"I've
been e-mailing him packages."
"I
would
value an employee like me!"
"Dorothy, from the Golden Girls, is in a snuff film?"
"Sorry
if I sound flighty, I'm shopping."
"It
was
almost like we won."
"I've
got
chocolate on my lips and she's taking photos!"
"What
does
culture shock feel like?"
"Do
you
honestly think that thing is going to save you from drowning?"
"If
everyone
had a porpoise, we'd never go to Sea World."
"I'll
go
with you, you have a penis."
"I'm
gonna
go with the penis, pick one!"
"Next
time
I see her, I'm going to light her shoe on fire."
"The
party
has officially moved into George's room."
"I
can't
believe you don't want to play with the sick people."
"We're
being selective now about handouts."
"We
had
to turn around in the cemetary."
"I
didn't
want to see his wang; its not that big a deal."
"I
hold
the liquid in my mouth before I swallow."
"Don't
shake my head at you!"
"I'm
going
to sleep now, and I'll let you eat."
"Low
standards
are one of the keys to enjoying life."
"Can
you
explain to me why my genitals are so withered?"
"I
prefer
my chicks not to have sideburns."
"Just
put
your hand out... at this point I would probably rub up against it."
"I
like
playing on mountains."
"If
that's
a man, then call me gay, because I want to bone her!"
"That's
great... like syphilis."
"I'm
not
greedy, I just want to know how much money I won. Now."
"If
you
trick her out on weekends, you could have the apartment to yourself."
"Think
nasty thoughts... NO! Not nasty thoughts, BAD thoughts!"
"She's
going to be raped by a tribe of Vlad's."
"You
are
such a terrible boyfriend, Chris."
"Back
when
I was 13 I would have nailed that ass!"
"Really?
Do you have a drill?
"That's
a really feminine mustache."
"I
just
learned to kick. Stand still."
"My
friends
dog ate my glasses."
"According
to him, I am broken if I can't cum in 15 minutes."
"I
saw
this blue thing in my peripheral vision, and then I thought, "Ah, shit,
that's Tim." Well, I had time for "Ah," and then I was in the air."
"Damn
A.D.D.
or lack thereof."
"The
whole
time he was cutting my hair, I thought he was gonna say 'Touch my
monkey.'"
"I'm
short
one female."
"I've
been
thwarted by the chi."
"The
flirt
gods will be on my side today..."
"I
want
to be a little Plucker."
"Maybe
I should go set a new record."
"No,
its
okay! I know the heinie lick manuever!"
"My
belly
button burns."
"I
had
bad experiences with that pot."
"Christo,
you're my Santa Claus."
"I'd
knock
her out and shave her!"
"You
can
just use obscure pronouns and he'll never know."
"Is
there
something I should know about and perhaps participate in?"
"Could
you be careful with that club?"
"I
wont
be mad; I just want whoever took it to give me back my fucking peanut
butter."
(as he went door to door)
"This
is
good... is it alcoholic?"
"We
need
to get him on the floor."
"Thank
you for choosing US Interactive as your driving safety alternative."
"I
am not
sun-burned! I tan with a reddish tint."
"Oh
that
feels good... I have a luscious busom behind me."
"You
have
to cook for me! I live here too!!!"
"I'm
a
bitch, not a slut."
"My
antennae
is just two inches long."
"Your
ICQ
name is Benus...?"
"Wow,
my
pants are really wet."
"The
preceding
record shall now be struck from the comment."
"Pleasant
tasting cherry flavor my ass!!!"
"What
have
you seen?"
[in
response]
"Bad things."
"Let
us
forget of this. We will never speak of it in conversation, polite or
otherwise."
"That's
not an idea; that's a felony."
"You've
gotten so much handsomer in the time that we've been dating."
"I'm
Switzerland."
"Maybe
she'll fuck up... it is Liz after all."
"What's
Christmas without a gun?"
"Your
computer
has narcolepsy."
"Don't
be a cult."
"Silly
hats only. SILLY HATS ONLY!!!"
"I
don't
know where it hurts... Well, I _know_ where it hurts, but..."
"Cross
my boob and hope to die."
"A
guy
wearing that hat would never marry, instead, he would have many
affairs,
all at the same time."
[which
brought on]
"I've
got
to get that hat."
"He
got
it up! He finally got it up!"
"You
know
Chris, you came from Church straight to here. You're going straight
to hell."
[to
which
he replied]
"No,
I
had chicken in between. Granted, it was Church's chicken..."
this has been another of
