March 18, 2000.....what an uncanny date.....now I sit here on March 18, 2002
updating.....and it is only 2 days after my mothers birthday....God sure works
in mysterious ways to send us reminders of what gifts we have received...and
lost.......
I wrote this story several years ago, and much has happened since then, but as
far as loving Michael Jackson and being a fanatical MJ fan nothing has
changed. I still carry my gratitude and love for him in my heart each and
every day......I always will......
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My Crazy Life.....the original story....
Dear Visitor,
I have sat and pondered on the subject of my crazy life as a Michael Jackson
Fan, for many hours, days, weeks months, and now years. I can't express to you
the tremendous impact Michael Jackson has had upon my life in one short
letter. It would take a whole book to tell you all the wonderous and fantastic
things that have happened to me in the years I have been a Fanatical Michael
Jackson Fan. But I will try to give you a brief summery of what my life was,
and what it is like now.
I don't want to go into the dark void again of where I lived following my Son
Marks death. But hearing Michael Jackson's song "Jam" definately
stopped me from ending my life and made me want to live again. That was in
1991. You can read the story of how he saved my life with that song at My
Famous Letter to MJ. I skip back now to the summer when the real changes
started happening. More than ever, I believe God truely has a wonderful sense
of humor. You read my story, and decide for yourself.
In the summer of 1996 I lay in my bedroom all alone watching a small black and
white tv on a beautiful summer evening, when an announcement was made on tv
saying that Michael Jackson had a new album coming out in a couple of weeks
called "HIStory Past, Present, and Future Book 1". I suddenly sat up
in bed and said to myself that I had to have that album. I didn't know why.
Nor did I care. I just knew I had to have it!!
I reached for my telephone and called my daughter who worked at a music store
and told her about the new album of Michael Jackson's. She said she had read
something about it in the store and would notify me when it went on sale. Did
that pasify me? No! I hounded her until two days before it was to go on sale
and she called telling me it had come into the store that day, and she would
buy it and take it home for me to pick up. I think she was tired of me calling
and driving her nuts over this album, so it was easier for her to get it and
get me off her back. I took that new album HIStory home and I played it every
moment I had. Every day I rushed home from work and started playing HIStory
and thought it was absolutely wonderful! Little did I know how much that album
was going to mean to me in the very near future....
The HIStory album was released to the public in June of 95. In July of 95 I
learned that my Mother had terminal Cancer. From the date she was diagnosed,
to the date she was taken from me, was less than five weeks. During that five
weeks, my life was changed forever.
My Mother lived alone in Bakersfield, California and I lived less than six
blocks from her. My brother lived across town, but his job prevented him from
spending as much time with her as I had. My sister lived two hours away and
the same reasons existed. So that left me to move in with my Mother and take
care of her. Being a licensed cosmetologist, I took over her beauty salon,
which was in her back yard, and ran into the house in between patrons to care
for my Mother.
My routine was to give my Mother her medication in the evenings and put her to
bed and sit until the medication took affect, putting her into a deep painless
sleep. Following that, I had my whole evenings ahead of me to think and dwell
upon the significance of actually loosing my Mother and best friend. There
were moments when I thought I would start screaming and never be able to stop.
Rather than let that happen I would take my boom box out into the backyard and
put Michael's music on and loose myself into his wonderful, beautiful, and
powerful music.
Once I had gained control over my emotions I would once again enter the house
where I had lived from birth until my marriage at age twenty two. The memories
of my Mother and that house were enormous and I would put my only MJ video
into the VCR (Moonwalker), turn it down very low and loose myself into MJ's
video. I lived this routine for a few weeks. Then something happened. My
daughter called and told me the HIStory Video was in the store and I rushed
and bought it too. I now had two MJ Videos to loose myself into, to escape my
pain.
One evening while sitting and reading the little booklet that came with my
HIStory CD I discovered there was an MJ Fan Club. Now let me tell you I was
not the fan club type of person. Especially rock star fan clubs. I had been
into County Western music and dancing for years. But a little voice told me to
get up and write a check and mail it off to join that MJ Fan Club. At first I
told that little voice it was crazy!! But it just wouldn't shut up! So I
finally did what it said and mailed that check off before I realized what I
had even done.
I forgot about that crazy MJ Fan Club during the following weeks. My Mothers
death and her funeral was enough to occupy my mind. The last week of her life
I litterally lived with my walkman on my hip listening to Michael's beautiful
voice in uplifting songs, as well as spiritual songs such as "You Are Not
Alone." I felt like Michael was singing that song just for me. It gave me
such strength to carry on another day. I know without a doubt in my heart that
without his voice to help me get through the days I would have started
screaming and never been able to stop. Because loosing my Mother was creating
another problem I couldn't deal with alone. My Son Mark had been buried in my
Mothers buriel plot just two and a half years earlier and it was going to be
reopened to put my Mother in with him. Nobody knows what that did to me...it
was too soon.....far, far too soon. Mom and I had discussed it when my son
died and we agreed to bury him in her plot.....but neither of us dreamed I
would have to deal with that so soon.....
I made it through my Mother's funeral and the following days, thanks to
Michael. Without him I honestly don't think I would have made it through with
my sanity intact. (Some members of my family still doubt that I did. Heehee.)
But I did make it. I survived. One day about three weeks after my Mother's
funeral I recieved a package in the mail. I opened that large white envelope
wondering what it was? I discovered it was the package to new members that
joined the Michael Jackson International Fan Club. I had completely forgotten
about joining. I took out the letter, pictures and posters and looked at them
and wondered what I was going to do with them. It didn't take me long to
decide. That little voice once again told me to hang them up on my walls. But
what walls? I asked? I sure didn't want them on my living room walls for the
whole world to see. I finally put them up in my bedroom where I thought no one
would see them. Ha! I ended up taking everyone into my bedroom just to show
them those beautiful posters and pictures! Was I crazy or what?
The next big thing that happened was recieving the HIStory Magazine in the
mail. More posters went up in my room! Sure did! But I also found a section in
that magazine that was letters from Fans who wanted penpals. NOT ME! Oh No!
That was crossing the limit there! Then that little voice started nagging at
me and telling me to write to some of them. I said no way! But did it shut up?
Nope! It just kept nagging at me all evening until I finally said OK! I went
to my computer and wrote to about three of the people listed in that fan
magazine and the first one I mailed was to Michelle Ruelas in Seattle,
Washington. I also mailed about three others that week. But the first response
was from Michelle Ruelas. Her letter was so warm and heartfelt, that I
actually sat and cried when I read it through over and over again. I couldn't
believe that a stranger I had never met before in my whole life could write
such a beautiful letter to me just because I too liked Michael Jackson.
During the following months I wrote many more people, and I received such love
and friendship from each and every one of them in return. My life was changed
forever. I suddenly was no longer alone! I had friends from so many countries
all over this world that touched my life in ways that I had never experienced
before. I no longer hid my MJ posters in my bedroom. Oh no, I now had so many
I started hanging them in my dinning room, living room, bathroom and anywhere
else I could find a bare spot on a wall. My wardrobe switched from Country
westen to a MJ T shirt 24-7! (I even slept in them) I searched the stores for
every album Michael had ever recorded and anything with the name Michael
Jackson on it was mine!
My china was moved from my china hutch into my kitchen so I could store and
preserve my new Michael collection. Dolls, belts, puzzles, promo records, post
cards, flags, pins, buttons, jewelry, etc, etc, etc. It never stopped. I
suddenly found my house too small for my MJ collection so I bought a larger
house! Yes I really did! I had completely lost it! And I had never been
happier in my entire life! That is what is so strange in this whole MJ thing.
I had to loose my Son and my Mother to be given the best gift of my entire
life.
Now one and a half years after my Mothers death I belong to five of Michael
Jackson's Fan Clubs and I have helped start a support group called Michael's
Angels Of Light and I have 2 webpages! My Stories and articles have been
published in three of MJ's Fan Magazines, and on the World Wide Web. Has my
life changed or what? I have been to a Michael Fest in Los Angels, and I have
had a visit and tour to Michael's childhood home Hayvenhurst, by the
invitation of Jermaine Jackson! Wow!! That is still hard to beleave! If I
didn't have pictures I had taken that day I would think it had all been a
wonderful dream.
The wonders of my crazy life as a Fanatical Michael Jackson Fan never stop.
Each day I have somthing wonderful happen or something that makes me laugh
until I cry. Four years ago I was so lonely I thought I would die of
loneliness, and was actually ready to end my life and get it over with. But
God looked down and shook his head and said "Forget it child, I have
other plans for you yet." And he sent that wonderful, beautiful man
Michael Jackson into my life to light it up like a torch! Michael Jackson is
truely the light of my life. Until you have had him light up your life you
will never understand what a miracle of God's creation he truely is. I know.
Because I have lived it. I just hope for all man's sake that you too are
blessed like I was, and receive God's since of humor and blessings. It will
change your life forever....
The End
Update: March 18, 2002. So much more has happened to me since I wrote this
story.....it is hard to believe. I also have lost my daughter Kate in June
2000, and my Father July 2001. During both of those tragidies Michael's music
was there for me again. Also good things have occured such as my VH1
interview. I had wanted so desperately to be able to tell Michael Thank You
for what he without knowing it had done to change my life and help me through
some difficult times, and that wish was granted in December of 2001. You can
read that story too here on my website.
Some things have changed the last few years....I am still a Fanatical Fan, but
don't live Michael 24-7 as I did in the beginning. I have healed so much and
moved on to more things that take up my time. Gardening, web page designing,
and just good normal living. Michael is always there with me in my heart
regardless what I may be doing...and always will be. Until later......God
Bless him and you....
San aka Mjjsan
Copyright © 1997 [The Ultimate Michael Jackson WebPage]. All rights reserved.
Revised: June 20, 2008
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