52 PICK-ED One beautiful morning, Eddy picked up his phone and dialed Edd’s number. RIIINNNGGG! Groaning, Edd rolled out of bed and sleepily staggered over to the phone. EDD: Double Dee’s residence. Double Dee speaking. Much to his dismay, he heard Eddy's exited voice on the other line. EDDY: (sarcastically, responding to Edd's groggy tone) Good morning, sunshine! Get the heck up and meet me at my house- I got a great idea that’ll have the kids throwing money at us! Bye! Edd didn't even get a chance to respond before Eddy hung up, most likely to call Ed. He yawned and lurched towards his room to get ready for whatever Eddy had in store for him today. Later, the three met at Eddy's house. EDD: Good morning, Eddy! Care to tell us about this 'big plan' of yours? ED: How you bez? EDDY: (Ignoring Ed) I got this idea from TV! Why don't we run our own phone service? If that psychic lady on TV can do it, so can we! We’ll be swimming in dough! EDD: Eddy, if you didn't remember correctly she was charged with scamming. Phone services are nothing but a load of- EDDY: Ohh, shut your piehole and start drawing the ads! Edd muttered something rude under his breath while walking off to get the supplies. Later, Jonny and Plank were walking by when they noticed an ad on a fence. “FEELENG CONFUSD? CAL EDS’ TAROE SURVICE 4 A SYCIK REEDING! CALL: (Eddy’s phone number) ONLY 25 SENTS A CALL!” Jonny peered at the fence, holding Plank close so he could see too. JONNY: Hey! D'ya see that, Plank? We can get a cheap psychic reading! Come on, buddy- let’s go call! Meanwhile, the Eds were lounging around in Eddy’s bedroom waiting for a call. After a few minutes, Edd couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore. EDD: See? I told you no one would fall for this idiotic scam! No sooner had he finished saying that, Eddy's phone started ringing. Eddy shot a triumphant glance at Edd as he picked up the phone. EDDY (in a really, REALLY bad Jamacian accent) Hello and welcome to Ed’s mystical psychic hotline! You have called for a tarot reading, yes? JONNY: WOAH! How'd you know? Wow, Plank- he really IS psychic! Eddy grinned from ear to ear when he heard the notoriously gullible Jonny on the other line. EDDY: Ahh, but that is one of the many secrets of the trade. Please hold while the great Psychic Eddy...err... gets his ora ready! Eddy put down the phone and got out the only cards he had- a deck of solitaire cards. EDD: Those aren’t- EDDY: SSH! (To Jonny) According to the mystical tarot cards, you are a... (To Edd) Quick, tell me a tarot sign thingie! Edd rolled his eyes in exasperation. EDD:The five of cups? EDDY: (To Jonny) You are the 5 of cups! Your...wise, good-natured, your going to be sucsessful, yadda, yadda, ecetera. We’ll be over to collect the fee for the reading now. He hung up the phone, snickering. EDDY: See? Told ya it would work! Come on, let’s go collect our fee! The Eds went to Jonny’s to collect their money. EDDY: (to Ed) Hey, Lurch! You go talk to him, your the most persuasive. EDD: Wow, Eddy! For once your vocabulary has exeeded an elementary level! Bravo! EDDY: Vocabulary? I'll show you some vocabulary, you stupid sonuva- EDD: Hush! Ed's at the door! Eddy and Edd hid in the bushes next to Jonny’s house while Ed went up to Jonny’s door and knocked it. Jonny opened the door to find Ed. ED: I am the mystical salami- EDDY: (whispering) Swami, you idiot! ED: -And I have come to collect the fee from Ed’s psychic hotline! That will be 25 cents! JONNY: Bull. That was a ripoff! The readings were fake, Plank and I aren’t paying one cent! With that, he slammed the door in Ed’s face. ED: (uncomprehending) Thank you, drive-through! Eddy leaped out of the bushes and was charging towards Jonny's door, Edd holding him back. EDDY: NOT PAY? After all that CRAP I went through? I'll make him pay, all right... EDD: Eddy! Violence will not solve anything! Why don’t we just find another customer? Eddy seemed to think about it, and reluctantly agreed. After all, he could always scam Jonny easier in the future if he stayed on his good side! EDDY: Fine...but they’d better pay up! Ads were posted all over the cul-de-sac, and the Eds waited at home for the calls to start. They didn’t have to wait long. Soon, Jimmy, Sarah, Kevin, and Nazz (who were not as well versed in the Tarot as Jonny) had all fallen for the scam-and payed up! Eddy was ecstatic. Edd felt the same way he always does at manipulating people (It’s not right, but at least you get jawbreakers) And Ed was just himself. The phone rang again. Eddy picked up the phone and spoke in his best mystical-fortune teller-like voice. He had the 'Miss Cleo' persona down-pat by now. EDDY: Hello and welcome to Ed’s mystical psychic hotline! How may I help you? Instead of a reply, he heard disturbing giggles coming from the phone. VOICE: Oh, mystical ‘swami’, If you know so much about people, then what’s my birthday? Needless to say, Eddy was a little unnerved by this. EDDY: Umm...ehh...may I ask who’s speaking? Again he heard that creepy laughter instead of a reply. VOICE: You should know already, since you're psychic and all! EDDY: Umm...err... VOICE: How about we talk about this face to face? Eddy's jaw dropped as he listened at nothing but a dial tone. EDDY: Hello? ...Hello? They hung up! EDD: Who hung up? What happened? Eddy shook off his uneasiness, waving his hand dismissively. EDDY: Ehh, some jerk is probably pulling our leg. Not long after that, there was a knock at Eddy’s door. Eddy opened the door to find none other than (gasp!) the Kanker sisters! LEE KANKER: Hey, toots! How’s about we make some magic in the bedroom? EDDY: EEK! He slammed the door and ran into his room. EDDY: KANKERS! ED: AAH! EDD: WE NEED TO HIDE! Eddy held up a small container. EDDY: HEY! Check it out, I found my mom's vanishing cream! EDD: Do you think this is a cartoon? Vanishing cream doesn’t- But Ed and Eddy were already dousing themselves in it. EDD: I’d better find a place to take refuge and watch while you two simpletons encounter them, so I will be readily available to drag away your mangled corpses- at that moment the Kankers busted in on the Eds, Edd ducking under Eddy's bed just before they knocked the door down. MARIE KANKER: Come here, sugar! LEE KANKER: And look- they even got all lubed up for us! MAY KANKER: This is going to be fun! Of course, Vanishing cream doesn’t work as well on boys as it does faces, so Ed and Eddy were spotted and dragged away by their hair, while Edd narrowly managed to escape... Sometime later, Eddy staggered through the bedroom door with Ed close behind. They looked like they went though hell, and had the torn clothes and kiss-marks to prove it. EDD: Well, well, well...what did we learn today? EDDY: That vanishing cream doesn’t work like it does in the cartoons? EDD: That opening a Tarot card hotline is a bad idea? ED: To never eat raspberries! ~END~ (re-visit the “Fan Fics” section to see more stories!) Back to Fanfics