Here are some riddles and other humorous tidbits, admittedly not too funny, hopefully not very offensive, but all very G-rated. Well, maybe not the last three.
Q: What Oscar-winning actress do you not want to prepare your meals?
A: Marisa Ptomaine
Q: What is a cat's favorite flavor of ice cream?
A: Rocky rodent
Q: What do you get when you eat too much Mexican food?
A: A taco belly
Q: What do you do for a person who is choking in a bar?
A: Give him the Heineken Maneuver.
Q: What do you do for a senile person who is choking?
A: Give him the Alzheimer Maneuver.
Q: What do you call a birthday for a buffalo?
A: A bison-tennial
Q: What hospital would make one skeptical about its treatment?
A: Mount Cyanide
Q: What U.S. Supreme Court Justice is known for singing calypso music?
A: Sandra "Day-O" Connor
Q: How can you access an ATM machine?
A: Use a PIN number.
Q: What actress is known for her prominent posterior?
A: Sandra Buttock
Q: What French singer is known for her tasty rice dishes?
A: Edith Pilaf
Q: What do you call a soft rectangular cookie which is filled with deviled ham?
A: A Pig Newton
Q: What ex-pro football player is good for absolutely nothing?
A: Dick Bupkus
Q: What is the world's most evil and dangerous camelid (camel-related animal)?
A: Osama bin Llama
Q: What do you call FDR's beer mug?
A: Franklin's stein
Q: Silly Billy did not have a shredder. How did he destroy his paper documents?
A: He faxed them to Silly Willy, who then shredded the faxed copies.
Q: What pop music artist is known for her charcoal kindling?
A: Edie Briquette
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sanctuary.
Sanctuary who?
Sanctuary much for answering the door!
Definition of Hebrew: A manly man's drink, as opposed to a shebrew.
Definition of faux pas: Intended to be given to one's male parent.
Usage: Don't touch that moonshine, Jethro. It's faux pas.
Q: What would you call a cartoon gorilla who gets purchased by a near-sighted cartoon man?
A: Magilla Magoo
Q: What did Mary Todd Lincoln say to her husband Abraham when he asked if she would like a large family?
A: "No, just a Tad."
Did you hear about the apprentice chef whose job was to arrange parsley sprigs on restaurant entrees? He was delinquent in his alimony payments, so the government garnished his wages.
Definition of quota: A fraction of one-fourth; a 25-cent coin.
Usage: I used to get it for twenty cents; now it costs a quota.
Q: How did the civic leaders know that graffiti was becoming a big problem in
their town?
A: The handwriting was on the wall.
Q: What Brat Pack actress is known for her fungal skin infection which is
manifested as red, circular, scaly, itchy lesions?
A: Molly Ringworm
Oslo: How the press and the public will refer to Jennifer Lopez' heretofore unknown cousin Oswaldo when he eventually hits it big in show biz.
Q: Who invented the mimeograph machine?
A: Sal Mimeo
Note: I actually used that joke answer to the above question in a game of Trivial Pursuit.
Q: What did Little Miss Muffet's mother say to her when she asked for something
to eat besides curds?
A: Sorry, no whey.
Q: What do you call a cheerful psychic?
A: A happy medium
Q: What country is known for its population of undead?
A: Zombia
Q: What is a monkey's favorite candy?
A: Rhesus Pieces
Q: Why was Tony Bennett's head not covered?
A: He left his hat in San Francisco.
Q: What is a cow's favorite Disney movie?
A: Moo-lan
Q: What is a hog's favorite play?
A: Pig-malion
Q: What is a fish's favorite artist?
A: Jackson Pollock
Q: What did the prostitute say to the well-endowed Chinese-tea merchant when he
undressed?
A: Oolong
Q: What did the jars of urine say to the pile of feces?
A: "We're Number One!"
Q: What do you call a male prostitute?
A: A he-whore