Following is a list of statements which I believe are self-contradictory, which cannot be read truthfully because they somehow include a logically opposite statement.
For example: "I am a liar." If I am a liar, then my statement "I am a liar." must be a lie, turning it into "I am not a liar." But if that is the so, then the statement "I am a liar." becomes true again. The whole concept contained by the statement - which refers to the statement itself, because of the implicit fact that I am making the statement about myself - is logically inconsistent. Get it?
"The only thing you are sure of is that nothing is sure."
This one is a line from the theme song of the movie "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." If nothing is sure, then how can you be sure of that fact?
"I am a liar."
See page introduction at top.
"Never say 'never.'"
This statement - a familiar one - is doubly self-contradictory, because it contains the word "never" twice. If one were to take the statement - that one should never say "never" - at face value, then one should never say the statement itself. Then the statement should not have been made in the first place.
"The first rule is that there are no rules."
If there are no rules, then there can be no first rule.
"Do me a favor: don't do me any favors."
One cannot do a favor and not do a favor simultaneously.
"This sentence is false."
This one is similar in spirit to "I am a liar." If the sentence is false, then the statement "This sentence is false." must actually mean that the sentence is true. But because both statements contradict each other cannot both be true.
"The only thing that's unchanging is that everything's changing." (Or: "The only thing constant is change.")
"The only thing predictable about [life / the future / the weather / tornadoes / kids / 'negative' bosses / comets / Antarctica / whatever] is that [it is / they are] unpredictable."
"If I had my druthers, I wouldn't have druthers." (Mine)
"Surprise me: don't surprise me."
This one is similar in spirit to "Do me a favor: don't do me any favors." That is, one cannot surprise someone and not surprise someone simultaneously.
"The trend (in the stock market, for example) is trendlessness, that is, the absence of a trend."
"I wish that this wish doesn't come true."
If I were to wish that this wish - the statement itself - doesn't come true, then I would be wishing for the opposite of the statement to occur. That is, I would be wishing that the wish were to come true. But that contradicts the statement itself.
"The only thing that is certain is uncertainty."
"This sentence cannot be read."
If this sentence cannot be read, then as soon as it is read it becomes self-contradictory. I suppose that if it is never read - sort of a discretely trivial situation - then it remains consistent. I wonder if I could have written this sentence and not have read it. To that, I offer "This sentence cannot be written."
"This sentence does not contain exactly eight words." (Or, even better: "This sentence does not contain exactly forty-nine letters.")
Counting the words in the statement reveals that there are eight of them. But that fact contradicts the concept of the statement itself.
"They agree to disagree."
This one would be a truly self-contradictory statement if it were phrased "They agree to disagree on all things." If that were true, then there could be no agreement on their disagreement. But as it reads, it's implicit that their disagreement is not all-encompassing. They can at least agree on one thing - the fact that they disagree on some thing or things.
"My New Year's resolution is to make no New Year's resolutions."
"No news is good news."
I'm not absolutely sure, but I think that this one qualifies as being self-contradictory.
"Expect the unexpected."
If something is unexpected - "non-expected" might be a better term - then it cannot be expected at the present time. Whether it could be expected at some other time is not clear. In any event, one cannot expect something that is unexpected. Hence, the contradiction.
"It is said of the Pashtun that they are only at peace when they are at war ..." (From the story "A Life Revealed" by Cathy Newman in the April 2002 issue of National Geographic magazine)
"I have given much thought to the fact that I'm not introspective."
The very concept of being introspective is that one gives much thought about oneself. So if I have given much thought to anything about myself I am introspective. But the statement which I made indicated otherwise - that I'm not introspective. So I could not have given any thought to the fact that I'm not introspective. Something doesn't add up logically.
"The 'extra' five-day period [of the Maya solar calendar] was called Uayeb, meaning 'The one that has no name.'" (From "The Universal History of Numbers: From Prehistory to the Invention of the Computer" by Georges Ifrah)
If something - in this case, the extra five-day period of the Maya solar calendar - has no name, then how can it be called by the name "Uayeb?" Here, the name "Uayeb" itself, because it is defined to mean "The one that has no name," cannot be ascribed to anything and still make sense. As soon as something is given that name, the definition of the name itself becomes false.)
"The secret [to longevity] is that there is no secret." (A quote from Arthur Goldschmidt, 90, a volunteer at Jamaica Hospital Medical Center, in the September 4, 2003 issue of Newsday)
"My spelling is poifect."
(If the word "poifect" is interpreted as a misspelling of the word "perfect" or the equivalent, then my spelling becomes imperfect. So, the statement would contradict itself. If, however, I were to ascribe the word "poifect" with the definition "imperfect," then I'm not sure if the statement would be interpreted as being inconsistent with itself. Similarly, if I were to define the word "poifect" to mean something other than "perfect" or "imperfect," then I'm not sure if the statement would be considered to be self-contradictory. An interesting one, meriting deeper analysis, to be sure.)
"I never end a sentence with a noun."
Never say "never," right? It would have been different - and impossible to verify - if the statement were "Prior to this one, I have never ended a sentence with a noun." But the phrasing in this case indicates that I have never ended a sentence and will never end a sentence - including the one in which I am making the statement - with a noun, which is an obvious contradiction because the sentence itself does end with a noun. All it takes is one instance to the contrary to invalidate the truth of a statement containing an extreme such as "never" or "always."
"This is a self-contradictory statement." (I'm not sure about this one.)
"Too much of a good thing is not a good thing."
"The Palestinians 'never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.'" (Paraphrasing one of the most famous quotes of longtime Israeli Cabinet minister and diplomat Abba Eban, which he uttered after the PLO rejected a plan for Palestinian control over most of the West Bank and Gaza Strip that was part of the Camp David Accords that Israel and Egypt signed in 1978.)
"I am proud that I am humble."
"No comment."
Trivially, "No comment." is a comment itself.
"Imagine a world where the only distraction is the lack of distractions." (From an advertisement for Cayman Islands tourism in the December 2003 issue of Audubon magazine)
"If the team had said there was nothing to worry about, it would have been time to start worrying." (From the story "The Spirit of Exploration" by George Musser in the March 2004 issue of Scientific American magazine, about the Spirit rover mission to Mars)
"The first thing that is said of the Tao is that nothing can be said of it." (From the essay "Making Something out of Nothing: Seinfeld, Sophistry, and the Tao" by Eric Bronson in "Seinfeld and Philosophy," edited by William Irwin)
"This page intentionally blank." or "This page intentionally left blank."
Once this statement has been printed upon the page, the page is no longer blank.
"My parents are abnormally normal." (From "Zits" by Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman - February 25, 2004 - see below)
"We're not having this conversation."
We must be having this conversation, despite the statement to the contrary.
"This isn't happening."
"I'm ignoring you."
"I'm not talking to you."
This one is similar in spirit to "We're not having this conversation."
"I did not write this statement."
Presumably, someone wrote the statement "I did not write this statement." even if that "someone" was a computer or some other machine. Therefore, the statement contradicts itself.
"If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?"
From GoodQuotes.com - Funny Thoughts
"I've decided that I'm indecisive."
(Based on: "If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?" From GoodQuotes.com - Funny Thoughts )
"My goal is to have no goals." (From "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story")
"If voters are interested in finding out about Senator Kerrys multiple positions on multiple issues they can inform themselves by going a few rounds with Kerry Vs. Kerry. We think theyll find the only thing consistent about Senator Kerrys record is its inconsistency," said RNC Communications Director Jim Dyke.
A double: "I'm pondering the imponderable." and "There you go again, mentioning the unmentionable." (From "Pickles" by Brian Crane - September 15, 2004 - see below)
From Men At Work's "Touching the Untouchables" is another double:
"Touching the Untouchables, but they don't know
Respect the disrespectables, but in the end you know
You turn away, what can I say?"
"Unpopular is the new popular, Mom." (From "Zits" by Jerry Scott & Jim Borgman - September 28, 2004 - see below)
"Pearls Before Swine" by Stephan Pastis - October 12, 2004
A. Rat claims to Pig that he has "all the answers."
B. The advice which Rat gives to Pig is "Don't take advice from guys who claim to have all the answers."
C. This reduces to the self-contradictory statement "My advice to you is to not take my advice." Very clever.
And for only $10!
"As George Will wrote, 'the final component of Washington's indispensability was the imperishable example he gave by proclaiming himself dispensable.'" (From the story "Presence of Mind: Flawed Founders" by Stephen E. Ambrose in the November 2002 issue of Smithsonian magazine)
"Time may be running out but some Americans still actually believe - perhaps with tongues firmly planted in cheeks - that there's an 'October Surprise' about to be sprung by President Bush.
...
But the biggest surprise could be no surprise." ("Surprise, surprise!" by George Rush and Joanna Molloy in the October 25, 2004 issue of The New York Daily News)
"I may be unreliable ... but you can count on it." (From "Mother Goose & Grimm" by Mike Peters - October 25, 2004 - see below)
In other words: "I am reliable in that I am unreliable."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." Groucho Marx
"The secret to *whatever* is knowing there is no secret."
Tony Bennett on the record business: "They started discarding people like me and Duke Ellington and Leonard Bernstein," he said. "The marketing guys took over. It took a big walk away from melodic music. It became very unprofessional to be professional."
In a Washington Post interview in 1978, he [Artie Shaw] said he never regretted leaving music. "I don't care if I'm forgotten. I became a specialist in nonspecialization a long time ago. For instance, I'm an expert fly fisherman. And in 1962, I ranked fourth nationally in precision riflery." (Obituary of Artie Shaw by Adam Bernstein of the Washington Post in the December 31, 2004 issue of Newsday)
"MOORE: You have never been bored? How is that possible?
ANGELOU: Oh, God, if I were bored, now that would interest me.
I'd think, my God, how did that happen and what's going on?
I'd be caught up in it. Are you kidding? Bored?"
(From the story "A Conversation with Maya Angelou at 75" by Lucinda Moore in the April 2003 issue of Smithsonian magazine)
My signature at The Comics Curmudgeon Community forum is "I don't need no stinking signature!" Forgetting about the bad grammar, for a self-contradictory statement it actually should be "I don't have a signature."