In the spirit of the comedic musings of Steven Wright and "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey, here are my nonsensical observations for you to ponder.
I used to be a quilter, but I gave up the pastime when I realized I was actually a quitter.
Someone once offerred me mulled cider. I just mulled it over.
I understand that corporate giant Philip Morris has a policy which encourages its employees to smoke. In fact, each employee supposedly is entitled to receive a pack of cigarettes each workday. Holding that thought, I wonder what it would be like to work for that company if it were to manufacture condoms.
They say there's no time like the present. Then why do I remember what happened yesterday?
They say there's no news like good news. That's news to me.
My updating of Isaiah 2:4:
"They will beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks. Not to mention that they'll turn their fatigues into stylish culottes, their daggers into melon-ballers, and their bullets into thumbtacks."
What a gyp! At the bottom of most public pay telephones is a slot marked "PUSH FOR COIN." Most of the time when I push it there's no coin!
You want a real grueling winter sport? Try uphill skiing.
I adore Ecuador, but I'd like to live in Bolivia.
I placed some stollen by an open window. It was stolen.
He's so sedentary he's practically sedimentary.
He's so affable it's laughable. [Does being affable mean that one is able to "aff?"]
I once tried to learn how to make flapjacks, but it didn't pan out.
If everybody had an ocean across the U.S.A. ... then we'd all be underwater!
It is better to have potential than "no-tential."
I hear that Black Flag is introducing a new product for oversexed cockroaches: A "hot-sheet" roach motel.
They had a promotion at the race track the other day. The first 15,000 people got Secretariat bobble-head dolls.
If I had my druthers, I wouldn't have "druthers."
I heard on the nightly news that Palestinians with small arms in the Gaza Strip were readying themselves for an attack by Israeli forces. Isn't it bad enough that they're using children as suicide bombers? Do they have to resort to employing people with deformed limbs as fighters, too?
Am I Amish? No. But I have been known to be squeamish.
It has been said that if you have to ask a product's price you can't afford it. That being the case, it's a real good thing that you asked the price of that expensive-looking item before you went ahead and committed yourself to purchasing it, isn't it?
Britain's Queen Mother, who passed away at age 101, was beloved by all. It might not be too late for England to reap the rewards of that enormous enduring adulation. They could disinter her body from its resting place [in the King George VI Memorial Chapel], and exhibit her - much as the Soviet Union did with Lenin - as the "Queen Mummy."
Talk about life throwing curve balls. Not only did Lou Gehrig have Lou Gehrig's Disease, but Cy Young never won a Cy Young Award.
Ruth's Chris Steak House. What's next? Phil's Joe Pizzeria? Bob's Fred Bar & Grill? Lou's Kate Café?
The fact that my house is still settling is unsettling to me.
It's bad enough being charged an arm and a leg for something, but having to pay through the nose for it seems a bit harsh, don't you agree?
Barbuda (as in Antigua and Barbuda) ... Isn't that like Barbados + Bermuda?
It cuts like a knife through hot butter.
I wish I could tell you where the outhouse is, but even I am not privy to that information.
According to a TV ad for HSBC Bank which is running these days (October 2002), in China it's customary for the groom's family to pay for a wedding. However, in the West the bride's family usually foots the bill for the affair. So what happens if a Chinese woman marries a guy from the West? Are both sides off the hook, forcing the couple to elope? Do they flip a coin to decide who pays?
When asked whether I had ever been admitted to an institution of higher education, I admitted that I had.
Whenever you sign a contract, don't forget to dot all your T's and cross all your I's.
If it ain't fixed, don't break it.
"So-and-so" looks like he doesn't miss too many meals ... and those which he does miss, he doesn't miss by very much.
They say that the best offense is a good defense. However, I don't recall ever seeing a player scoring a run while fielding shortstop.
If you don't hear any trees in the forest falling, then you're obviously somewhere else; if you do hear trees in the forest falling, then you'd be better off being somewhere else.
What's the deal with blackjack?
Adolph's Meat Tenderizer must be really good. I mean: After the whole thing with Nazi Germany wouldn't they have had a major P.R. problem because of their name?
I wonder if Kelsey Grammer, better known as TV's Frasier, uses good grammar. If it's anything to go on, it seems as if one of his ancestor's spelling wasn't all that good.
My late uncle was cremated recently. Instead of ashes, they gave us a jar of cream.
I watched "New York Rockin' Eve" ... Dick Clark. Then I turned off the lights and packed it in ... click, dark.
Kids these days are not as knowledgeable about history as they should be. For the record, Malcolm X was not a member of the X-Men.
I just came up with the idea for an adult novelty gift: breast-shaped pasta. I call it Pasta Bazooms.
I feel deceived. My local supermarket advertised whole chickens, but when I went there none of them had heads.
I passed a nail salon that advertised sculptured nails, so I went in and asked if they could do Rodin's Thinker.
I heard that the Maytag repairman was busted for laundering money.
I'm going to open a living-room furniture store someday. I plan to call it "Sofa, So Good."
I know this politically-correct homeless guy. According to him, he's "between residences."
Abraham Lincoln was hailed as The Great Emancipator. Ronald Reagan was regarded as The Great Communicator. I believe that Bill Clinton will go down in history as The Great Prevaricator.
There were these two rival restaurants. They had a surf-and-turf war.
Whenever someone asks me if I ever wet my bed as a child, I tell them, "just a wee bit."
There was a freak accident the other day. It involved a pin-head, a bearded lady, and a pair of siamese twins.
I know that the end of civilization as we know it is near. The other day I went to a bookstore, and on a shelf was "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dummies."
I have a hat which fits me like a glove ... so I wear it on my hand.
I have no problem per se with the fact that our current President, George W. Bush, was an owner of a Major League Baseball team, the Texas Rangers ... except that sometime in the future it might plant an idea into the head of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner that he might make a serious bid for political office - and the Presidency, specifically.
I saw a Red Lobster commercial advertising their $13.99 Sirloin & Shrimp Combo. For the record, I prefer my shrimp medium well-done.
A guy I know told me he has a Shih-Tzu, so I asked him, "What's so good about a menagerie made out of poop?"
I've decided to become a writer. For starters, I've come up with a pen name - Bic.
When it comes to employment, I don't consider myself a particularly proud person. I'll do anything for a living. I have just one condition - that I be suspended with pay.
Every year some amusement park comes up with a new twist for a more superlative roller coaster. I plan to hit it big by designing the world's fastest merry-go-round.
I saw a sign in the window of a gardening-supply store: "Sale on peat. Dirt cheap."
Have you ever seen those signs in restaurant restrooms which say "Employees must wash hands?" I think that if you read between the lines they really say "Customers must believe that employees must wash hands."
I saw this disclaimer on the packaging for a bandage: "Sterile unless opened or damaged" Do they take me for a fool? They know that I can't prove this.
Whenever I feel like getting pampered I put on a pair of Depends undergarments.
I don't drink coffee. It's not my cup of tea.
I spend good money and put a fair amount of effort into selecting greeting cards with just the right sayings. So why should I knock myself out trying to personalize them any further with additional inspirational words? My obligation should be limited to penning in "Dear So-And-So" and "Love, You-Know-Who." Otherwise, I might as well buy cards which have no sayings, which are blank inside. But I feel that, as overpriced as standard greeting cards are, they're far less of a rip-off than the blank ones are. Those ones should be offered at a discount, because all you're paying for are the paper and the cover art.
I'm always hearing that, in general, America's youth doesn't get enough exercise. But every so often there's a news story about how our schoolchildren are overburdened with backpacks full of heavy textbooks. Is it just me, or does something not add up here?
I noticed that my newspaper didn't include the classified section, so I called the publisher. When I asked the person why it was missing, he said the reason was classified.
My career goal is to get a job in demolition, where they bring down buildings by imploding them with explosives. I'd like for people to come up to me and tell me that I'm doing a bang-up job.
Why is a person who sees a glass of water as half-empty (as opposed to half-full) considered to be a pessimist? Maybe he just doesn't like water.
Steven Wright Quotes - Daily Pencible