I started out my life in the country. I never had very many friends, except for this one shrimp
named Bubba. Bubba told me all about the shrimpin business, and about how his momma, an his daddy,
and his 67 brothers and sisters were all made into a cocktail. I promised Bubba that I'd never get
inta the shrimpin buisness, because he was my very bestest friend. I never had any other friends
except for Bubba, and I still don't have many friends. We lived in this nice cave in the country,
ntill this raging cow came in and scared the heck out of us. Me an my mommy ran away as fast as we
could. We ran and ran until we got to this big city, I think it was called New York or something.
Oh, by the way, my name's Urben, Urben Dump. I spent my school years living in a box of chocolates
with my mommy. It was a cozy box of chocolates, it always smelled sweet, even after we had long
eaten out the chocolates. My momma was just about the ugliest lady you had ever seen, but I loved
her anyway.
I joined the army just as soon as I got out of high school. I was transferred to Australia, cause
there was a war going on down there. It all happened so quickly that, I, I don't even remember most
of it. I didn't like being in Australia, because it was hot down there. My Lieutenant, Lieutenant
Stan, he was just about the meanest person I had ever met - He said that I'd just have to tough it out.
He said that we were fighting in the Warm War. I really missed my mommy while I was in Australia. I remember
in school learning something about a Cold war - I never understood why it was called the Cold war. I always
thought it was because they used snow balls instead of bullets. I told this to a tree once, and it didn't
seem to care. Trees don't say much when you talk to them, but they are very good listeners. While we were
in Australia, we took these long walks looking for a guy named Charlie. We stopped everybody on the road
that we passed and asked them if their name was Charlie. They all said no, until one day, this guy said yes.
Lieutenant Stan took his gun and stuck it to Charlie's back and threatened that he'd shoot if he didn't let
our entire regiment sleep in his house. Charlie protested for a while, but finally agreed, not wanting to
get shot. Now, I'm not that smart, but I hadn't gone to school for nothing. I remember in high school
government class, that we learned about the Amendments to the Constitution of the U-nited states of America.
I calmly reminded Lieutenant Stan that the third amendment says that "no soldier shall be quartered in any
house without the consent of the owner". He turned around and looked at me with those wide open and blood
shot crazy eyes of his. I think poor Lieutenant Stan had too much strong coffee. What he said, I cannot
write down here, because the little children might be reading. Roughly translated he said: "That's right,
BUT WE'RE NOT IN AMERICA, ARE WE, URBEN?!?" I told him no. "THEN SHUT UP!", he replied. I think Lieutenant
Stan took French in high school, cause he was real good at it. We kept going on to this guy Charlie's
house, and all the way Lieutenant Stan would be talking about how this one guy named Charlie would pick
on him in high school, and how he swore that he'd kill any guy named Charlie he met, an how if Charlie
didn't do everything he said, then he'd get killed. It was then that I began to doubt the sanity of our
commanding officer, and I was gonna ask him if he had seen a cyco-ologist, but then I remembered that he
told me to shut up, so I didn't ask him.
When we finally got to Charlie's house, Lieutenant Stan insisted that we search the house for drugs.
Charlie protested again, saying, "Do you guys have a warrant? Why do you think I have drugs, I'm miles
away from South America!" But Lieutenant Stan, being the pyromaniac that he was, threatened to blow
the whole house up, if he didn't comply. Now this was just too unfair to poor Charlie, and I suspected
that Lieutenant Stan was suffering from withdrawal from some kind of addictive illegal drug. Maybe that
was why he was acting so crazy. I nervously reminded Lieutenant Stan that the fourth amendment says
that people can't search a house without a warrant, and he spoke some of that French again that he
speaks mighty well, and said "That's right, BUT WE'RE NOT IN AMERICA, ARE WE, URBEN?!?" I told him no.
"THEN SHUT UP!", he shouted. I knew beyond a doubt then that Lieutenant Stan had some serious mental
issues, and I didn't want to end up as a crater, so I let him be. We got done searching the house and
all we found was his entire family, and his gun. Charlie promptly introduced us to his brother Charlie,
his sister Charliena, his mother Charlo, his father Charlie Sr., his grandfather Charles (he was dead),
his dog Charlie, his son Charlie the second, and his gun, a 1995 Charlie Musket, limited edition.
Apparently his family was not too creative, and they all really liked the name Charlie. At this point
Lieutenant Stan drank some strong coffe as he was listening to Charlie talk. His eyes got real big as
he gazed at all the Charlies. He was about to go postal with all these Charlies around. He snatched
the Charlie Limited Edition gun out of Charlie's hands, saying that as long as he was around,
Charlie could not have the gun. I knew this was wrong because the second amendment says that
private citizens have the right to bear arms, but Lieutenant Stan's mental condition was getting worse
and worse by the moment, and I knew the next word I said to him would leave me with out an appendage
or two. Charlie the second was only 11, and he did not appear to like this whole thing. He, in his
innocence had never seen a machine gun, like the ones that we was using. He was a smart little fellow,
and went up to his room. He must have read about the American constitution in a book somewhere, because
when he came back, he had a petition filled with grievances for the things we had done. He gave the
petition to Lieutenant Stan, which was the last mistake he would ever make. Lieutenant Stan went postal
then, and it was not a pretty sight. He smiled at the little boy with an evil, evil smile - which
quickly turned to a frown as he whipped a grenade from his belt. He wrapped the paper around the grenade,
and - I couldn't stand it. I had to relieve this mad man from duty.
"Lieutenant Stan," I said, "I am relieving you from duty. What you are about to do breaks the First
Amendment of the constitution of the U-nited States of America, that says that People have the
freedoms of religion, speech, press, assembly, and petition. I am also relieving you on charges of
taking the Charlie's right to life, liberty, happiness, which is breaking the ninth amendment: powers
reserved to the people."
"You manure head", exclaimed Lieutenant Stan in his French, "Are you some kind of dumb butt or something?"
"Stupid is as Stupid does, sir", I replied.
"What made you so dumb, Dump, did you grow up in a box or something", asked Lieutenant Stan.
"Yes sir", I replied.
"Don't give me that excrement, Urben." he said, "You know this ain't the U.S., and those laws don't
apply anywhere but the U.S."
"Maybe so sir, but when we get back to the U.S., they will apply when I sue you on charges of
unconstitutional actions by a military officer." I shot back.
"You know that no Judge is going to convict a Superior military officer on charges brought on by his
subordinate." said Lieutenant Stan arrogantly.
"Maybe so, but perhaps a jury will." I replied confidently.
"You dumb mule, there are no juries in Civil Cases", exclaimed Lieutenant Stan.
"You must have not ever read the constitution before, sir", I explained, "because Amendment seven
states that in Civil Cases the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and the ruling of the jury
cannot be changed by an appeals court."
Lieutenant Stan looked at me dumbfounded. "I can't believe It", he exclaimed in his 'special language',
"This donkey hole out smarted me!" I smiled with pleasure. "Well son," he said, "Looks like - I'LL JUST
HAVE TO CONVICT YOU FIRST!"
With that, Lieutenant Stan whipped out his cellular phone and speed dialed General Bill. General Bill was
this little short guy, that always seemed to find himself in the middle of a battle.
"General Bill", asked Lieutenant Stan to his phone.
"WHAT?", said a high pitched voice on the other end,
"One of my officers, Urben Dump, is not cooperating with me, sir", said Lieutenant Stan.
"Oh noooooooooooooooooooooo", exclaimed General Bill, "Deport him immediately!"
"Yes Sir!", said Lieutenant Stan happily.
Lieutenant Stan dialed the base and asked them to send a chopper down to pick me up.
Lieutenant Stan said that I was going to be mailed back to America as punishment for insubordination. I
asked him why, and he said that it was a court order. I didn't believe him, because being sentenced to
42 hours on a mail plane in a box, was certainly unusual punishment, and People were protected against
cruel and unusual punishment in the eighth amendment to the constitution. I knew that no judge in his
right mind would prescribe a sentence that was unconstitutional. The chopper arrived and I flew back to
the base in Sidney.
Sure enough, I was FedExed back to America by air mail, because the Army was too cheep to send me back by
passenger plane. I always wanted to know how it felt to be a letter, but now that I knew, I didn't want to
know. All they gave me was a flashlight, and some unsalted peanuts, which weren't very good. It wasn't that
bad though, I had spent my childhood in a box, so I was used to it.
When I got back to the U-nited states of America, I was really hungry, because I had eaten those peanuts
while the plane was in England. I was shipped again to the military base in Virginia. When I finally got
there, I unpacked myself and went into the mess hall to try and get some food. I was really hungry, cause
I had not eaten in 3 days. The nice thing about being in the mess hall in Virginia, is that you can buy
just about anything you want. I bought some drugs for Lieutenant Stan and sent it to him in the mail. I
got myself a big Chicken Fried steak sandwich, and then had to wash the dishes, because I couldn't pay
for it all. It was some mighty good chicken fried steak though. I went up to the front desk to ask where
my room was, and they said I wasn't registered here. They asked for my ID, but Lieutenant Stan had never
given me one. What happened next was real strange. These two guards came and took me to Jail. Apparently
they thought I was some kind of Australian spy, or something. I told them I wasn't but, naturally, they
didn't believe me. One of the guards names was Sargent Bubba, he had a real fat upper lip. I told Sargent
Bubba that he had the same name as my pet shrimp did, and he told me to shut up.
"Sargent Bubba", I asked, "what's gonna to happen ta me?"
"Well", said Sargent Bubba, "They's gonna be a trial, and most likely, Judge Jenney will make you say
something bad about yourself, that will convict you, and you'll be sentenced to a lifetime of being a
security Guard on Jerry Springer."
"But they can't do that, Sargent Bubba", I said, "they don't even have any proof that I am actually a
spy. Besides, Amendment five of the constitution of the U-nited States of America Says that as one of
my Rights of the Accused, I shall not be compelled to witness against myself, and there cannot even
be a trial, unless a Grand Jury presents an indictment."
"That may be so, Mista Dump", replied Sargent Bubba, "but, Amendment five also says that there does not
need to be an indictment in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in a
ctual service in time of war or public danger. Besides, all Judge Jenney cares about is that she looks
good on TV. She gots a mighty big attitude, you know."
"Sargent Bubba", I inquired, "what if I want a Jury Trial?"
"Well son", chuckled Sargent Bubba, "you'll have to wait a long time for that. Judge Jenney hardly
ever does jury cases. It takes a long time to find 12 warped people to make a jury that will convict
someone no matter the evidence. That's all the viewers want, is a conviction. Give the viewers what
they want, you know."
"But Amendment six gives me the right to a speedy trial by Jury-", I said, but then Sargent Bubba broke
in, "Don't give me that Constitution manure any more Dump", he said, "I don't even know why I bother
wasting my time talking to you"
It was at this time that I realized that the corruption of the government had gone far deeper than just the
executive branch.
It turns out, that I didn't have to go on Judge Jenney after all. Instead, I had a regular old trial at a
regular old courtroom. The judges name was Amenda Mint, an she was real nice. She said that I wasn't g
uilty of anything, and that the army had really messed up. She awarded me a million dollars for all my
pain and suffering. Pretty soon I got to go up to Washington D.C., where the president gave me the
purple metal of honor. It came in a radiation proof case. I asked why, and he said the reason the metal
was purple was because it was actually a peace of metal from the rubble of the Hiroshima Atomic Bomb
explosion, so it was still radioactive. It was real pretty though, and it glowed in the dark. I bought
myself a nice big new truck with some of my million dollars, and I drove back to New York to see my
momma. When I got to my ghetto, I got mugged by a gang of hoods. They took my car and my million dollars,
but they left my purple metal. I found my momma, we hugged and I told her about what happened. She smiled,
and took me back to our home. She told me that she had found a huge Dumpster in an alley one day, and
that she had moved it to the old chocolate box. She remodeled it, and even found a flashlight to give us
some light. Our two-story Dumpster was the envy of all the neighbors, even the guy with the Refrigerator
box.
I guess you could say I had a pretty eventful life. My momma always said that "Life is like a box of Kleenex,
you never know what ya gonna get." I never understood what that meant, but my momma wasn't exactly the
smartest of people, so it might have meant nothing. I heard that Lieutenant Stan's pyromania finally got
him. He was relaxing in his house, watching Charlie the Second vs Charlie Jr. on WCW/NWO Nitro, when he
suddenly went out and bought 40 sticks of dynamite, some fireworks, tied them to his TV, spread grenades,
around them, wired them all up, and turned his TV - no, his entire house into a Inferno. I've heard
wrestling will do that to you. Amenda Mint, is a Supreme Court Justice now, and the Hoods that mugged me
started the Black Panthers in Italy. Some people tell me that I have not done anything with my life,
but I show them my purple metal, and they shut up. I am going on a world tour with my purple metal,
sponsored by Ghetto Outreach Anonymous. The warm war finally ended when it turned to Winter in Australia,
I leave for Australia tomorrow, and if Lieutenant Stan hasn't blown them to oblivion, maybe I'll see the
Charlies again. That's pretty much my life in a nutshell, and that's all I have to say about that.
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