"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed, opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500 billion deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn
"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his 'Meet the Press' interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head?" —Jay Leno
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." —David Letterman
"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno
"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn
"The White House began airing their TV commercials to reelect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno
"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno
(Friday's) debate in St. Louis will be before an audience made up entirely of undecided voters. That creates a huge dilemma for Kerry . Does he stand on stage beside Bush or sit in the audience with all the other people who can't make up their minds?" --Jay Leno
Here's something interesting, a group of porn stars has made a DVD called 'Porn Stars for Kerry' and they've made a porno movie to raise money for him. Lets just hope this one doesn't feature .Michael Moore --Jay Leno
Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things: study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time." --Jay Leno
"A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions." --Jay Leno
"Al Gore had a column in the paper yesterday, called 'How to debate George Bush.' I tell you it was right next to Dan Rather's column, 'How to spot forged documents.'" --Jay Leno
"Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't talk like a regular average Joe and he said, 'Au contraire!"' --Jay Leno
"The ground rules for the debates: The candidates must remain at least 10 feet apart, and they cannot talk directly to one another. It's actually based on the John Kerry-Teresa Heinz Kerry pre-nup agreement." --David Letterman
They say John Kerry has already begun preparing for the debates. He's thinking of starting off by having his wife buy everyone in the audience a new car." --Jay Leno
Bush and Cheney say now they're targeting people who can't make up their minds, so apparently they're trying to get John Kerry's vote as well." --Jay Leno
"Senator Ted Kennedy hitting the campaign trail with John Kerry. You know what they say, two huge heads are better than one." --Jay Leno
"Kerry still can't shake this image of his as a rich-guy. For instance, today he challenged President Bush to three debates and a yacht race." --Jay Leno
" Kerry is behind President Bush in the polls. Things are not looking good. In fact, today Ralph Nader asked Kerry to resign." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry has vowed to tell the truth if he's elected president. But only if he's elected. Until then, he'll continue to lie his ass off." --Jay Leno
"One of the commentators on MSNBC was saying that John Kerry seems to be a man who likes himself. Well, you know, opposites attract." --Jay Leno