But anyway... sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think "how do I live with this face? How can other people stand looking at me?" I'm often afraid of making eye contact with anyone, because if they're looking at me, I get self-conscious. I can't even speak, who wants the opinions of an ugly girl like me?
I hate to sound so superficial. But I know it's true, and it's hard to live with. The only person who ever dared to contradict my self-perception was someone online. "You're not that ugly, although I can't really tell because it's a small picture. I'd rate you a 7/8 out of 10." Okay, well, great. It's a step up, I guess. Who doesn't love being a number?
It's not just my face, it's my weight, too. Binge eating is addictive. I do it almost every day. I'm suprised I'm not fatter than I am. I almost give up caring sometimes, and just eat and eat, whether or not I fear gaining weight. After all, if I'm already ugly, why would it matter if I'm thin? A thin, ugly girl is no more appealing than a fat, ugly girl. It's like asking "Would you like to drink some household cleaner that corrodes your esophagus as an appetizer to your rat poison, or what?" (Great analogy, I know.)
Why do I have to be so preoccupied with my ugliness? It's not like I can do a damn thing about it, except complain... Why do we have to value people based on their looks? (How many ugly, popular people do you know?) Why do I value people based on their looks, even though I wish people would not do the same to me? I'm trying to stop, I'm trying to not see people in terms of "ugly" and "pretty" anymore, because while I can't do anything about anyone else, I can at least try to change myself... and I guess that includes not looking at myself so intolerantly either... but re-programming your mind is hard, ya know?