Quite often now, I start crying in school, despite my attempts to stop. Today, I had my head down almost all of fourth period and cried. None of my friends said anything. Granted, I've done this before (in all eight school periods), so maybe they're all just accustomed to it. But it would be nice just to have someone poke me on the back and hand me some kleenex. When the bell rang, and I was fairly certain that almost everyone was out the room, I lifted up my head. This boy I've talked to a few times (not enough to qualify as a friend) put his hand on my shoulder and said "Hang in there." It's incredible how powerful a gesture like that is. I'm really not doing this to get pity. I was totally humiliated fourth hour that I did cry. But when these uncontrollable feelings come over me, I have no one to talk to, and that is so depressing.
I don't have any close-knit relationships with anyone.... friends, teachers, parents.... the only person who I can talk to is the counselor, and that's because she gets paid to listen to me act like a nutcase.
I want someone to talk to, but whenever I start to open up, I feel like a basket case, or that I'm a burden on them because it's hard to be there for someone who acts like I do. One girl was telling me about her friend who's depressed, and how difficult it is for her to deal with it, because he keeps getting worse and she feels hopeless about it. I don't want to be a stress for anyone.
I really want to find God and start from there, though. I haven't found Him yet. I still pray to Him every day, with hopes that He will respond and give me strength....