More and more I’ve been feeling "detached." It’s the weirdest, most impossible feeling to try to explain. Language is an inadequate avenue of expression for me since I’m not much of a wordsmith (got a "B" on my first essay— yikes. I’m doing so badly this year in all my subjects— "C" on my first English test, "B" on my first essay, "B" on my first economics test, and sort of scraping by in chemistry and calculus with a low "A" not knowing what the hell I’m doing in either subject). But I’ll still try to explain it. I know other people feel this way occasionally, too, so hopefully people will know what I’m talking about by relating to it.

Somedays I have nothing to say. I don’t talk to anyone, and it’s miserable trying to drive myself talk to anyone because it feels so forced. So I’m silent almost all day. I’m not necessarily gloomy, but I’m just "detached." I attend classes, but it feels like I’m not really there. I’m absorbing information but not processing it. I don’t bother smiling because no one sees me. There’s some kind of one-way mirror between me and the rest of the world, and I’m watching everything happen from the otherside (a cool RHCP song) of the glass but no one can see me, nor can I break the glass and walk over to the otherside because I’m pitifully weak. I've only won at arm wrestling twice in my whole career as a weakling. (Against Kelly and Florida Rachel. Man, it's bad when you lose to me. No offense or anything.)

Bah. It’s impossible to try to explain it, but most of you people know what I’m talking about, at least once in awhile. (Not arm wrestling— being "detached.") I feel this way more and more often now, and I don’t know why. It’s not exactly depressing (although I wouldn’t call it blissful), although I end up being depressed by the end of the day. I don’t know if I’m depressed as a direct result of being "detached" or maybe if it’s some indirect effect, like I’m so "detached" that I screw up my schoolwork and get into fights and trip on stairs and then I fret over those things. In any case, I actually prefer to be "detached" in first hour because I really quite hate it and it’s better to be emotionless in it otherwise I’d go nuts. But being "detached" usually ends up becoming detrimental as the day progresses. Not only that, but I think I get really sarcastic with some people who take me too seriously (most of the time I at least smile when I’m sarcastic so people know I’m only kidding, but I don’t smile much when I’m in this mood).

I’m not the type to make something out of nothing (sarcasm there again), so realistically I’ll say it’s probably not a problem except for the social part. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because I usually don’t care about much when I’m "detached," but I do care about talking to my friends and stuff. I guess I’m hoping I’ll snap out of this phase eventually. I don’t ever remember feeling this way last year. Last year, I didn’t have to worry about college, though... urgh. Stupid bizarre college essays. Have you ever had writers block for two friggin’ months?? Take a look at the essay options for the University of Chicago. Once they had an essay option asking to relate Elvis sightings with toe lint, or something. I'm starting to try to get into a UW-Madison mindframe so that when I get rejected from Chicago and end up going there, I won't be terribly upset. And if anything is going to kill me in the application process to Chicago, it's going to be these stupid essays. (Maybe my lack of extracurriculars, although I don't think Chicago cares a whole lot about those.)

(I use the word "detached" in parentheses because I’m not sure that’s the word I want. Like I said, it’s one of those abstract feelings that’s hard to convert into words.)

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