Well....

Yes... haha! Sort of. I’m not looking for an online boyfriend, nor am I looking online for an offline boyfriend. See, I’ve just found that it’s incredibly difficult to find people with whom I have common ground, people who I can relate to. I’m talking just about friends. I don’t have a single friend who I have very much in common with, so who can I philosophize with about religion or politics without getting into vicious arguments? No one.

I was hoping to perhaps remedy this with an online friendship with someone I have a lot in common with. But to just randomly enter chat rooms, hoping to strike it up with someone, would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I needed something that let me pick and choose options I wanted, like a car-dealer. Air conditioning? Check. Power locks? Check. Since I never heard of an "online friend-finding service," I went to "online dating service." Catholic? Check. Republican? Check. Nonsmoker? Check. And I selected "Looking for: friendship only" where available - really.

So I went to four different online services, all of them supposedly free: DreamMates, MatchMaker, MatchDoctor, and Match.com. (Geez, haven’t these companies ever heard of spaces?) After I signed up, I learned that MatchMaker.com is free for only a seven day trial period. Oh well.

I started filling out the profiles (no pictures). Immediately after filling out a profile at MatchMaker, I received a message from "HotOne[insert numbers here]":

I thought you sound like a down to earth person and want to try to get to know you!

Could I email you my pic and see if you like it? I would love to have the chance to talk to you.

I hope to hear from you soon. Mike

Hmm... his name is suffixed with "AAG" (Male, Straight, 36-40). I didn’t even notice that at first, but it should’ve been a red flag right away. He emailed me three picture of a suspiciously good-looking male. Well, I didn’t think he was that great-looking, but he looked like someone most girls would go for. The third picture was a black-and-white nudie (yuck!) that was luckily cut off at the last possible pixel (phew!). I wrote back, saying that I doubted the person in the picture was him, and that nonetheless, he looked way too old for me (he claimed he was 26). He sent me three more messages asking for my picture anyway, so I finally sent him a picture (of some random chic off the internet) and he left me alone.

Then I went to MatchDoctor where I already filled out a profile, and already I had two responses. Both of them were from people who were plain-looking enough that I knew they were real (which was good). One of them, however, was 25 years old. I was hoping to find someone who was around 18 to 20, just because it’s another nice thing to have in common (being in college). The other was a 20-year-old Marquette student: Catholic, pro-life, Republican. Yay!

Right now, about a day and a half later (and including the responses I just mentioned), I have seven unique responses at MatchDoctor, three at MatchMaker, and five at DreamMates. And I can’t figure out Match.com. But let’s filter out the crap, eh?

I have...

• ... at MatchMaker:
  • the one I mentioned above ("HotOne[insert numbers here]")
  • a response from a 36-40 year old
• ... at MatchDoctor:
  • one from a 42-year-old that reads as follows:
    

    OUR COUNTRY IS IN BAD SHAPE BECAUSE OF THE REPUBLICANS.THEY ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR THE RICH PEOPLE.GEORGE BUSH DID NOT WIN THE POPULAR VOTE.AL GORE HAD 500,000 MORE VOTES THEN BUSH.HIS BROTHER IS GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA WHERE THERE WAS VOTER FRAUD,BY THE REPUBLICANS.I VOTE INDEPENDENT.SO A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HAD IT WITH REPUBLICANS,BECAUSE OF THE MESS THAT OUR ECONOMY IS IN.UNDER BILL CLINTON,WE HAD THE BEST ECONOMY EVER.SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REPUBLICANS NOW?

    (Aww, he cared enough to write out something equivalent to a whole paragraph for me!
    My response? "You're right... that totally set me straight. Thank you.")

  • an ad:

    Hey

    I saw your profile on here and thought that you might be interested in posing for me.

    [...]

    Rick
    RWB Productions
    [E-mail, AIM, MSN]
    http://www.rwbprod.com/portfolio/

    (Remember how I said I didn't post any pictures? Riiight.) Take a look at the site. I wonder which part of my profile screamed out "nude modelling!" to him. Was it the "Catholic" part, or the "unwaveringly conservative" part?

  • One from "loverboy[insert numbers here]" that reads:

    Do preists hit on you now that you turn 18, or are you too old for them?

    Muah ha, I like teasing.

    So.. you think your good at chess?? Try gameknot.com im absinthe31, challenge me to a game.

    (Note well his skillful method of enticing me to a game of chess. How could I say "um...nah" to that?)

  • One from a 46-year-old man with the title "Too bad so young":

    I enjoyed your profile, then had to read your essay answers. Too bad you're so young,and catholic, I attend church every Suday, with or wothout the kids. Racine Assembly of God, you should try some time. You seem to have the right idea about God, etc.
    Good luck sexy, hehehe
    Ray

    I actually was pretty intrigued by that one, because I actually have been to Racine Assembly of God before with a friend. I knew a couple people who went there. Small world, eh?

• ...at DreamMates:
  • a response from a 50-year-old
  • a response from one whose profile reads "...i like slim waist, c cup boobs approximately..." (Darn, counts me out... if there was a letter before "A," it would be designated for me....)

I’m really not that picky. I don’t care about looks at all. All I want to find is a nice Catholic Republican (male or female) in the age range of 18-20 who I might hit a friendship off with.

And so, the moral of my story is that it’s hard to find people with whom you have things in common with. If you dare to try, you’re going to be bombarded along the way with spam and illiterates. Ahhh, internet. You never let me down!

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