You’d think with all my free time back in high school, I’d have been studying for college and SAT and AP tests and things of that nature. Truth is, I was developing my hobbies (eating) and otherwise expressing myself creatively (sulking), and between all that eating and sulking and watching TV and sitting, I never got around to thinking about college. I hadn’t even planned to attend. Hell, you don’t need a college degree to be a slot jockey! Or even to be President of the United States! (That was my backup plan.)
Anyway, this all changed around the time I received an award for Physics Student of the Year when I was a junior in high school. I thought, “What a pity I’m not applying for colleges. I bet this would look nice on my application.” It was then I decided that my GPA, class rank, lack of extracurricular activities (save for the one perfunctory year of track) and lack of college preparatory classes need not stop me! I was going to apply to colleges, dammit, and I was going straight to the top: UW-Parkside. Haha! It’s funny because it’s true! But I also applied to the University of Chicago, you know, just in case the Parkside thing didn’t work out. It’s a good thing Parkside worked out, though, because U of C rejected me. I have no idea why. I mean, I distinctly remember using the term “spacious quads” to describe why I wanted to attend U of C. “Spacious quads.” I’m telling you, that’s painting a picture with words. They should’ve snatched me when they had a chance!
(End flashback sequence. Continue with gloating sequence.)
Hope springs eternal ... or so the media would like us to believe. I decided to attend UW-Parkside and work my gluteus maximus off so that I could attend a really high-falutin’ college someday. Then when people asked me, “Where did you get your degree from?” I wouldn’t have to lie and say, “I, uh, didn’t go to college.”
Anyway, two years came and went and it came time for me to transfer. I applied to three universities: University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee (henceforth referred to as UWM), University of Wisconsin-Madison (henceforth referred to as Madison), and Columbia University (henceforth referred to as Columbia University). I heard from UWM first: accepted! Then I heard from Madison: accepted! Yay! By the time I got in all my application materials at Madison, I was over a month past the application deadline date, so I wasn’t sure whether they’d still take me.
Then on Thursday, May 13, a FedEx package came for me. A FedEx package ... from Heaven. And it was delivered by a cherub in brown garb and a five-o’-clock shadow. A choir of angels rang true throughout the neighborhood with the sweet, sweet accompaniment of motorcycle engines and lawn mowers. I GOT IN! TO FREAKING COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY!
I framed my acceptance letter. Hey, I’m still shocked. The odds were against me from the beginning. Look at this: “Transfer admission to Columbia is extremely competitive; in recent years the Office of Undergraduate Admissions has admitted fewer than 10% of the applicants for transfer admission.”
The government tells me I’m rich, but of course I’m not. They wouldn’t offer me any aid, I don’t have 40 grand a year to spare, and let’s face it: I’ll probably be in college another seven, eight years. So I’m going to attend UWM instead now that I know that graduate school admissions don’t weight the undergraduate alma mater as much as I figured. (I mean, I got accepted to Columbia, and I previously attended Parkside. That’s proof enough.) I would really love to attend Columbia “Better than Harvard” University (in the city of New York, hee!), but life doesn’t always work out.
But the important thing is that I know it can be done (“it” being “me attending a great university”), and I’m definitely going for it again in graduate school.
Haha! Take that, University of Chicago! I don’t need your stupid school, you wannabe Ivy League. Yeah, you heard me! ... Aww, don’t look at me like that ... Okay, I’m sorry, that was totally uncalled for. You still fine! Totally! Yeah, of course CalTech likes you. Look at you, you’re so intelligent and artsy and gothic! And if CalTech don’t see that, well, then he ain’t no good for you! That’s right! Call me, girl! (And don’t forget to offer me instant admission and a full scholarship!)