Contents:
"Number One"
"Borg Part"
Communicating With Darmok
"You May Be Right (I May Be Lazy)"
"Twas a Stardate Before Christmas"
"Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft"
"Captain's Log, Stardate Supplemental"
"USS Enterprise"
Star Trek TNG: Geordi programmed to Kill
Top 100 Reasons Why Capt. Kirk is Better than Capt. Picard
Top 100 Reasons Why Capt. Picard is Better than Capt. Kirk

Number One
Cmdr. William Thomas Riker
RCA (Riker Croons All) Holodisc
-----------------------------------------------
By John G. Shaw

It's Nine O'clock on the Enterprise
The Ten Forward crowd shuffles in
There's a bald man sitting next to me
Tugging hard on his tunic and pin

He says, 'Number One, can you play me a memory'
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete
'Fore the Borg put things up my nose

Play us a song, You're the Number One
Play us a song, very sharp
We're all on the ship for an eternity
And you got us reeling at warp

Now Worf at the bar is a friend of mine
He gives me chills with his grin
He's quick with a choke and throws a few pokes
But in fights, he'll never win
He says, "Will, I believe this is killing me"
as he smiled showing teeth of his race
Well I'm sure I could be a movie star
If I had another man's face

Play us a song, You're the Number One
Play us a song, so sweet
We're all in the mood for shore leave
And you got us loving Starfleet

Now Bev is a medical practionist
Who no longer is somebody's wife
And she's talkin' with Geordi who's sittin with Barclay
And probably will be for life

And Guinan is practicing counseling
As Deanna becomes annoyed
Yes, they're sharing a role they call counselor
But it's better than being unemployed

(INSTRUMENTAL)

Play us a song, You're the Number One
Play us a song, so clean
We're all in the mood for a melody
And you got us feeling serene

It's a pretty good crowd for a stardate
But Deanna motions to the door
Cause she knows that it's me she's been wanting to see
Where no man has gone before
And my trombone sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and they gaze at the stars
And say, "Man, there's no life out here"

Oh La La La Dee Dee Dah…

Borg Part
Cmdr. William Thomas Riker
RCA (Riker Croons All) Holodisc
-----------------------------------------
By John G. Shaw

Well, you were Jean-Luc Picard on a Borg machine
Shed your fine sharp Enterprise clothes
You had a damn pair of tongs for a hand
and a tube up your nose

Ooooh, when you wake up in the morning
With your head of wires
And your eyes too bloody to see
Go on and try getting Geordi
But don't take captain from me
You had to be a Borg part, didn't ya
You had to Borgify your mouth
You had to be a Borg part, didn't ya
All your friends go so shot down
You had to have the last world, that's nice
Blow the Enterprise about
You had to have the white hot spotlight
You had to be a Borg part, last night

Well, they were all impressed with you, Locutus
And the people that they took of Guinan's
And the stories of Q's being a pest
Kept 'em so entertained

Ahhhh, but now you just don't remember all the things you did
And you're not sure that you want to know
I'll tell you one thing, baldy
You sure did piss off Sisko

Yes, yes, you had to be a Borg part, didn't ya
You had to merge into a crowd
You had to be a Borg part, didn't ya
All your friends are so shocked now
You had to have the last world, that's nice
You're no more fun to be around
You had to be the brunt age, cold type
You had to be a Borg part, last night

Well, it's no big sin to pick your new best friends
If you know when to send in a clone
But you went over the line
You shouldn't have led that cube to our home

No, no, no,no, no, no you had to be a Borg part, didn't ya
You had to Borgify your mouth
You had to be a Borg part, didn't ya
All your friends are so shocked now
You had to have the last world, last night
No more fun to be around
You had to have the white hot spotlight
You had to be a Borg part, last night

Communicating with Darmok
What kinds of parables could Picard have used to communicate with Darmok, from his own experiences? Might be fun to invent a few (translation in parenthesis):

Riker, with his pants down. (Embarrasment.)
Troi, sensing...something. (Useless information.)
Beverly and Picard in 10 Forward. (Lets Just Be Friends.)
Troi, when the ratings fell. (Show me your cleavage.)
Geordi, his ams wide. (Lonliness.)
Geordi, his arms closed. (Extreme Lonliness.)
Worf, in the first season. (Bad hair day.)
Extra away team security. (Dead.)
Data and Yar in Yar's quarters. (Totally unexpected but not unwelcomed sex.)
Geordi, on the holodeck. (need some female companionship.)
Barclay, all the time. (I'm nervous.)
Worf, his hands on Tactical. (paranoia.)
Wesley, his mouth open. (talking garbage.)
Riker at Risa. (perverse and degrading acts unfit for an officer.)
Geordi, in his Quarters. (No date.)
Data, at rest. (An oxymoron. He cannot relax because he's never tense.)
Data, dreaming. (Something bizarre.)
Wesley, in the Warp Core. (Celebration!)
Worf and Prune Juice near the Water Closet. (A deluge is forthcoming.)
Guinan, in counsel. (Somebody is about to screw up.)
Worf, his phaser taken. (incompetent security personnel.)
Extra security, beaming down. (people about to die.)
Worf, when he fires phaser. (missing the target.)
Troi, her breasts showing. (something that's always happeneing.)
Wesley, his head severed. (a happy day.)
Picard, when he had hair. (youth.)
Wesley, when he saved the ship. (again.)
Star Trek, when Shatner directed (noncanon.)
Worf, on the shuttle with Worf (xerox is on the blink again.)
Spot, when the hair ball fell. (Untidy cabin.)
Geordi, his visor off. (vulnerability.)
Picard, shields down. (trust.)
Worf, shields down (teeth-gritting frustration.)
Lwaxana sensing... SUCH THOUGHTS! (over-confidence in one's sex appeal)
Riker, tugging uniform (attempt to appear confident while costume rides up)
McCoy on TNG, his make-up bad his acting worse. (Big mistake you regret later.)
Geordi, his array rephased his coil boosted. (Episode with a techno-garbage solution.)
Alexander and Luwaxana, their guest-shots on the same episode. (The worst of all possible situations.)
Wesley, Alexander and Luwaxana together on a single episode. (Something so bad it's almost inconcievable.)
Picard, his sexual orientation discussed. (Mindless chatter.)
Aliens, their skin painted, their foreheads bumpy. (Insult to your intelligence.)

Picard might have pulled some from Starfleet's historical past (ie TOS )
Anonymous redshirt, with Kirk on planet. (Impending, unavoidable death.)
Kirk, corner of his mouth bloody, his shirt torn. (After any combat.)
McCoy, his profession stated. (Begin asked to do something outside of job description) (ie "Dammit, Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a ....)
Uhura, her channels jammed. (Unable to communicate.)
McCoy/ Spock, his eyebrow arched (Surprise, amusement.)
Kirk! Saying! Anything! (Being overly dramatic.)
Kirk, grabbing his stomach. (bad acting.)
Scotty, fixing his engines. (Making something seem harder than it is.)
Kirk, his situation hopeless. (We'll find a solution, and get the girl, in the next 50 minutes.)

You May Be Right (I May Be Lazy)
Cmdr. William Thomas Riker
RCA (Riker Croons All) Holodisc
------------------------------------------
By John G. Shaw

Friday night was a poker party
Saturday I had no worries
Sunday came and holodecked again
I was only Number One
Not commanding anyone
On Raisa, enjoyed the weekend with a game

A ship stranded in the neutral zone
I talked Worf into going alone
Even told you, Jean-Luc Picard I'd refrain
And I said, The Enterprise
Was to be my home for life
A point you said I had proved all too plain

You may be right
I may be lazy
But I just may be the Number One you're looking for
Turned down the Dreadnaught
Don't try to persuade me
Said all along, that I won't go, so it's all for naught

Remember how you found me there
One step from the captain's chair
You told me thirty ships needed my style
Wasn't looking for command
I said take me as I am
I might offset your baldness with my smile

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find captains for the Yamato
I might be as lazy as you say
If I'm lazy then I know
I don't want to leave this show
And you wouldn't want me unless I stayed

You may be right
I may be lazy
But I just may be the Number One you're looking for
Too late to fight
Too late to exchange me
Said all along, that I won't go, so you may be right

You may be right
I may be lazy
But I just may be the Number One you're looking for
Explode the ship
Won't even cave me
Said all along, that I won't go, so you may be right

You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right
You may be wrong but you may be right

Twas A Stardate Before Christmas
Captain's Log
Stardate 1224.92
Earth
-------------------------------------------------------------------
By John G. Shaw

Twas a stardate before Christmas and all through the ship
nothing was moving not even Miles' pips
The phasers were hung in the arsenal that night
in hopes that poor Worf would win just one fight

The crewmen were all asleep in their beds
While Data calculated PI in his head
And I, in my ready room, with my eyes all bloodshot
had just settled down to some tea, Earl Grey, hot

When out on the main sensors arose such a clatter
you'd have thought that Geordi mixed matter/antimatter
Then what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a man dressed in gold with Spock and his ears

He gestured, his mouth opened, but I heard not a word
then slowly, distinctly, his voice could be heard
"Christmas...future...yousureSpock?", he said almost appalled
"My...God...Spock....Look!.....I'vegonebald!"

"Logically, sir", Spock murmured, "It's not all that hard."
"Captain Kirk, I'd like you to meet Captain Picard."
"Ah...yes..James T.", he offered with ease
With hand on his phaser, "We come in Peace"

Spock spoke not a word as I went straight to my pin
"Worf, it is time to have your butt kicked, again!"
You see, I wasn't sure if this Kirk was for real
the transporter, you know, had once made him evil

While shaking his head with more gestures he made
said over dramatically, "Donotbe.........afraid!"
I jumped to my feet, tugged my shirt as I spoke
"Q, show yourself! Is this some kind of a joke?"

"A Joke? An anecdote? A witticism or a humorous pun?"
Spock said, "I think not, Vulcans just aren't that fun."
He raised an eyebrow, "Picard, we're really not sure"
but we think we've been sent by the ghost of xmas future"

Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse
the silence was broken by a very loud curse
He appeared dressed in blue and his temper was huge
"Dammit, I'm a doctor! I am not a scrooge!"

As if that wasn't enough, Worf strolled from the bridge
in his emergency walk and head full of ridge
"A....Klingon!", Kirk shouted, as Spock grabbed in restraint
but it was too late as Worf started to faint

The doctor rushed to his side as Kirk looked down upon him
"He's been frightened, for sure, but he's not dead, Jim!"
With much disgust, I gave a slap of my head
If only, I thought, Tasha weren't dead

I confronted the trio and Kirk got a look of surprise
as I asked, "What are you doing here on the Enterprise?"
"This...is...the..Enterprise?", he asked almost with glee
"Yes, Captain Kirk", I confirmed, "The Enterprise-D."

"Spock, could it be possible, I've been sent to demand
that I take this Enterprise as my next form of command?"
I'd been holding my anger but it started to slip
"I will not allow you to take over my ship"

Kirk's eyes lit up as he said with a smirk
"You won't be around long wearing that red shirt"
"Captain Kirk", I chuckled, "you really ought to be told"
"The security team here now dresses in gold"

The grin came off of his face cause even he had to know
If someone got killed he would be the first to go
Spock quickly interrupted, "Jim, I believe we have been sent
by the apparition of Christmas to show how it might be spent"

Kirk looked at him with a puzzling gaze
then back at me in an obvious daze
"Spock....canitbe.....Arewe....stillalive?"
He pondered, "Werewe...ableto.....survive?"

"Yes, Spock is here", I said, "Admiral McCoy , and Mr. Scott, too"
"The writers haven't told us what happened to the rest of your crew"
"I think, sir" Spock continued, "though some of us may be gone"
"The ghost wanted to show that our legacy lives on"

Kirk thought for a moment then said "Though we've come far,"
"I see what you mean, Spock, we're still cruising the stars"
"Christmas future will be shaped as we continue to explore"
"Where possibilities are endless and no one has gone before"

Then came a power much like a nebula storm
out of a brilliant light stood an alien life form
It gestured at Spock and McCoy, in a flash they beamed out
Now only Kirk stood before me in somewhat of a pout

"Captain Picard, It seems that I must go"
All I could say was "Captain Kirk, make it so"
Kirk could be heard as he beamed into a speck
"Merry Christmas to all and keep up the Star Trek"

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?
Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker [puzzled]: What the hell is Microsoft?
Data [turns to explain]: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?
Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.
Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.
Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.
Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!
Geordi [excited]: Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%
Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?
Data [studying displays]: Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.
Picard: Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?
Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.
Picard: How much time will that buy us?
Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.
Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...
[over the speakers]: This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.
Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!
Data: I do not believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.
Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!!
Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.
Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.
Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.
Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.
Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

Captain's Log, Stardate Supplemental
By Steve Gordon
EditorMan@aol.com

I am sitting in my quarters, playing on my musical recorder. My recorder was given to me by the aliens who kidnapped me in episode 54 (which, by the way, contrary to some records, was the second and not the third kidnapping of the fifth season). Right now I am attempting to toot along with Computer's best rendition of "Do the Hustle".

The Captain's doorbell bleeped. He put the music on hold, and said, "Come. "Data and Geordi stepped in.
"Sorry to disturb you, Captain, but I'd like your permission to grow a beard," said LaForge.
Picard frowned. "Will that interfere with main engineering functions?"
"No sir, the main core should remain intact."
"Very well. Make it so." And Picard turned back to his recorder. The others left, and Picard was about to return to his music, when there was another caller. It was Dr. Crusher. Picard was surprised to see her without her blue bathrobe, at least until he remembered that the replicators were currently in laundry cycle until 0900.
"Captain, we're doing a play about the Elephant Man, and we'd like you to have a major role-"
Always blathering about her little skits. "Computer," said Picard, without looking up. "Engage Transporter sequence, Picard program 1." There was a hum, and then Crusher, speechless, was beamed out of his quarters. Picard grinned; he really enjoyed site-to-site beaming. He was about to return to his child's toy when there was another intruder. Lieutenant Worf.
"Yes, Lieutenant," said Picard wearily. He hoped it wasn't about that physical fitness program.
"Sir, it's about my physical fitness program," said Worf. "It would really benefit the crew to do a few dozen knuckle pushups every morning-"
"Mr. Worf, this is the 24th and a half century," said Picard. "Even the space military is kinder and gentler. We simply do not do that sort of thing any longer."
* * * * *
"Father, take me to the holodeck! You promised!"
Worf sighed. "Alexander, I am busy. I have to... clean my wicked semi-circular sword."
"Aw, it's spotless. And you promised!"
Worf sighed. "Did you keep your end of the bargain?"
"I did, I did!"
Not taking his son's word for it, Worf carefully surveyed the floor. Sure enough, there were no tell-tale stains on the carpet. The only doo-doo to be seen was neatly dumped on the newspaper in the corner.
"Oh, very well."
* * * * *
"So what do you hope to accomplish?" said Data, looking puzzled.
"By hooking up your brain to the ship's computer-"
"Geordi, I was not referring to the computer link. I was referring to your feeble attempts to grow facial hair." Geordi sighed. "Well, it's just that I'm getting tired of my holodeck girlfriends, and I could do with some of the real thing. So I thought about Commander Riker, and I figured-"
"I see," said Data. "But I have had relationships, and I have no facial hair. So has Captain Picard. So has Wesley. So has 98%-"
"The computer link is established," Geordi interrupted. "Data, do you notice anything funny?"
"No, why?"
"Because there's smoke coming out of your ears." Geordi checked the instrument panels. "I have you hooked up to all the ship's systems... but I think something's wrong. Data, try to dim the lights in this corridor."
Data twitched, and suddenly it began to rain in main engineering. "No... that's not right...."
* * * * *
On the holodeck, Worf and Alexander were confronted by Data in a wild west costume. But it was an evil, mean Data programmed to kill. And he had stylish facial hair.
* * * * *
"So you say that part of Data is now in the ship's computer?" said Picard.
"Yes," said Geordi. "That's why the replicators are only producing a oil-based lubricant compound."
"A bedtime snack," explained Data.
"That would also explain why the video monitors are all displaying compromising pictures of Tasha Yar ," said Picard, hm-hming. "So, how do we fix it?"
"Well... we could take the secondary osilators off-line, and calibrate it to the new wavelength-"
"Fine, fine," said Picard. He turned to go. "Make it so. Oh, and do remember to translate an English language version of what you just said for the log. Make it so."

USS ENTERPRISE
(to the tune of American Pie)
by John Martz

A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that starship used to make me feel
And I knew if I had my way
That I could make those people stay
And maybe we'd be happy for a while
But Paramount filled me with woe

They canceled my favorite Sci Fi show
Bad news on the Enterprise
Jean-Luc said his last "Energize"
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about their final ride
But something touched me deep inside
The day that Star Trek died
So,

CHORUS
Bye, bye U.S.S. Enterprise
Our Starship was a great ship, but it no longer flies
And that Starship crew was drinking synthetic rye
Singing "This will be the day that I die",
"This will be the day that I die."

Did you write the Prime Directive
And are your outer shields protective
Paramount wasn't groovy
At least you'll be back in the movie
Can sequels save your mortal soul
And why does warp now always seem so slow
Well, I know that you'll be back again
'Cause I saw you in a convention
You said you will be back

Paramount doesn't ever slack
I was a lonely trekker, with just enough
Had a communicator and alot of stuff
But I knew I breathed my last puff
On the day that Star Trek died
I started singing...

CHORUS

Now for sev'n years we've been on our own
Aliens proving we're not alone
But that's not how it used to be
Though we all know The Next Generation
Started with Q at Farpoint Station

And a voice that came from you and me
Oh, and while Picard was looking down
That Q, he chased our ship around
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
And now Picard doesn't want to go
So Q comes back for the final show
And we yelled no no no no no
The day that Star Trek died
We were singing...

CHORUS

The seventh season is almost done now
Those last two hours won't seem so fun now
That one day is comin' fast
Picard flies through future and past
He's always the one who Q's harrassed
At least this time it will be his very last
Now the Enterprise was made for me
Picard and all his Earl grey Tea
We all sit down to look
Oh, at the last chapter of his book
'Cause those last two hours should be great
When Q wipes clean Jean-Luc's slate
Do you recall what was revealed
The day that Star Trek died
We started singing...

CHORUS

Oh, and there we were all in one place
A generation lost in space
But no time left to start again
So come Picard be nimble, Jean-Luc be quick
The omnipotent Q, he makes you sick
'Cause trick'ry's the Continuum's only friend
Oh, and as I watched the final show
It was the only way to go
No angel born in hell
Could break that Q boy's spell
And as the ship flew deep into the night
To fly its final flight
I saw that Q laughing with delight
The day that Star Trek died
He was singing...

CHORUS

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the Star Trek club
Where I'd watched the show n' eat my grub
But the leader said the show wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The Trekkies cried and the Trekkers dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The Translators all were broken
And the three men I admire most
Kirk, Picard and The Great Bird's ghost
They caught the wag'n train for the stars
The day that Star Trek died
And they were singing...

CHORUS

They was singing...

CHORUS

TOP ONE HUNDRED REASONS WHYCAPTAIN KIRK IS BETTER THAN CAPTAIN PICARD
From: RASH@westminster.ac.uk

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher - and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache - and it's a beauty."
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
83. Kirk says, "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off; even around those pesky Yeoman.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and s**t down its neck.
66. Kirk says, "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said, "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty " then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
48. If something doesn't speak English - it's toast.
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk - probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser - not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender - until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon - Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses - and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon; easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says, "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Gonads!

In rebuttal:

TOP ONE HUNDRED REASONS WHY CAPTAIN PICARD IS BETTER THAN CAPTAIN KIRK
By Silly Bear

100. Picard can say more than two words without gasping for air.
99. Picard is thin enough to wear a jumpsuit with panache.
98. Picard doesn't need to hop in the sack to prove his masculinity.
97. Hair doesn't mean diddley if the personality is all air.
96. Picard's picture is beside the word confidence in the dictionary.
95. Two words-- Sexy Smile.
94. If Kirk had been killed in the first episode, the show would have been reduced to 30 minutes of good acting.
93. Picard has morals.
92. Picard is a class act.
91. Picard is a man of reason, who is not afraid to show his strength when necessary, but only when necessary.
90. Picard has learned patience. Kirk couldn't learn the alphabet.
89. Picard is self-confident.
88. Picard would rather sing to children to comfort them than kill them.
87. Picard is sexier with his shirt unbuttoned to his waist than Kirk is completely naked.
86. Kirk didn't have the brains to read a book or appreciate fictional characters like Dixon Hill.
85. Kirk never straightened his shirt because he was a slob.
84. Kirk only thought he beat a Vulcan at chess; Picard did.
83. Picard listens to his first officer, considers the information, then makes an appropriate decision.
82. Picard is rational.
81. Picard admits he's made mistakes. It takes a real man to admit their errors.
80. Q would have killed Kirk mistaking him for his twin brother.
79. Picard knows how to spell his middle name.
78. Kirk wouldn't have known what archeology was if it bit him on the ass
77. Picard doesn't believe himself to be omniperfect.
76. Picard doesn't stare at himself for hours in the mirror.
75. Picard can tell the difference between a real woman and a mirage.
74. Picard wears a more natural, less cakey makeup.
73. Picard drinks ale, yet where is his "beer belly?"
72. Kirk was merely a first draft. Picard is the refined, edited version.
71. Picard has taste.
70. Picard is a man of culture.
69. If a group of 10 sex starved women were being rescued by the captain of the Enterprise; if it were Kirk, they'd run away screaming, "We'll wait for the next ship!"
68. If it were Picard, Kirk's favorite fantasy would come true.
67. Picard can do much better than Joan Collins.
66. Picard likes painting nudes, which allows him plenty of time to properly court the model.
65. Picard can speak intelligently with his officers about anything on the Enterprise.
64. Kirk never knew Scotty lied to him about the status of the engines because he didn't understand the Enterprise didn't use gas.
63. Picard can walk the walk.
62. Picard can talk the talk.
61. Kirk can do neither without seeming like an ape.
60. Beverly Crusher would have zapped Kirk had he made a move on her.
59. Wesley Crusher would have been running the Enterprise had Kirk been his captain, and Kirk would never have known.
58. Kirk could never have handled a first officer like Riker. Riker would have grown impatient with his halting, gasping sentences and thrown him out the cargo bay.
57. Kirk is rude.
56. Kirk would never have allowed an episode involving a dream sequence in which Deanna and Worf become lovers. It would have taken away too attention from him.
55. Picard has lasted more seasons as the Captain of the Enterprise for a reason.
54. Picard doesn't need to wear a wig to feel like a man.
53. Kirk wouldn't wear a kilt because people would have laughed at his legs and he would have had to kill the entire crew.
52. If Kirk had met the Borg, they wouldn't have assimilated him. They would have discarded him as space debris.
51. The Borg only assimilate intelligent life.
50. Picard has the balls to stand among hundreds of Klingons and argue with them.
49. Picard doesn't have to worry that Deanna can read his thoughts.
48. If Deanna read Kirk's thoughts, she would find he never had an original thought.
47. Picard isn't into swashbuckling, but if he were...
46. Kirk thinks himself a futuristic swashbuckler, but is more suited to prehistoric man.
45. Picard would have been a better foil for Spock.
44. Keyword: Intelligence.
43. Picard cares if the crew lives or dies.
42. Kirk only worries about his own butt.
41. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he forms an intricate plan to discover what they are really up to.
40. Two words: Line delivery.
39. Picard hasn't contributed to the population explosion.
38. Picard could have Beverly if he crooked his little finger. Kirk wouldn't have a chance.
37. Picard had the sense to get rid of the ugly doctor and get Beverly back.
36. Kirk's doctor was a guy.
35. Kirk's doctor was named Bones.
34. Picard has a multi-ethnic ship.
33. Starfleet knew Kirk couldn't handle other species that might make him feel inferior.
32. Kirk's girlfriends looked best in complete darkness.
31. Picard has tossed away beautiful women because they were airheads.
30. Picard is curious.
29. Picard collects antiques-- such as books.
28. Picard's ships logs contain more syllables per word than Kirk's.
27. Kirk has a short forehead.
26. Kirk has a short neck.
25. Kirk left the Enterprise to become a police captain.
24. Picard is still on the Enterprise.
23. Kirk has not aged well.
22. Picard has aged beautifully.
21. Picard looks fantastic in spandex.
20. Picard can speak in several languages-- and he knows more than just the swear words for each one.
19. The creator's wife doesn't follow Kirk around making cow eyes at him!
18. Kirk couldn't go anywhere alone. He was a scaredy cat.
17. If there were ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would be dead.
16. Do women swoon when they hear "Beam me up, Scotty?" No? How about "Make it so?" See the difference?
15. A bartender would not have bothered wasting time talking to Kirk.
14. Ted Turner will never have to start a controversy over the colorization of Picard.
13. Kirk never said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" because he was already out of there at the first hint of trouble.
12. Kirk was scared of a little tribble.
11. A holodeck would have been a waste to Kirk.
10. Picard can be in the same room for 5 minutes with a woman without groping her.
9. Picard doesn't use cologne to mask his natural scent.
8. Picard can pilot the Enterprise though a mine field.
7. Picard has sex more than once a season but doesn't feel the need for us to know of every conquest.
6. Picard drinks Earl Grey tea.
5. Picard can actually speak to an android of high intelligence and be understood.
4. Picard isn't picky about who sits in his chair on the bridge.
3. Kirk had low performance technology because he couldn't handle high performance technology.
2. One word: Velour.
1. Last word-- Picard is so far superior to Kirk, this whole list is a waste of time.

Star Trek: Next Generation: Geordi programmed to Kill
By Steve Gordon
EditorMan@aol.com

"We have captured LaForge and will use him to commit acts of espionage," said the first Romulan. He turned to the second Romulan, who was standing in the dark. "Is there something wrong with the lighting in here?"
"Why did you choose LaForge?" said the second Romulan.
"We wanted someone with an exceedingly dull personality, and Commander Riker was unavailable," said the first Romulan.
Geordi lay strapped to the chair, grunting profusely.
"I am sending images directly to his mind," said the first Romulan. He pressed a button. "I can send bad images....."
Geordi started grunting wildly.
"What was that?" said the second Romulan.
"A memory of turning into a monster that looked like a someone wearing a glow in the dark leotard. A thoroughly forgettable episode." The second Romulan paused. "I can also bring pleasure." He pressed a button, and Geordi immediately smiled.
"What is that?"
"He is now reliving the memory of making out with one of his holodeck women." The Romulan pressed a button. "And now back to glow in the dark leotard." Geordi gritted his teeth.
"Note how his body responds less now? He is getting used to it. Time to switch to another image." A pause. "He is now remembering the time that Mr. Data pushed little straws into his forehead."
"How will this helps us brainwash him?" asked the second Romulan curiously.
The first Romulan looked up. "We're supposed to be brainwashing him?"
* * * * *
"Ambassador Mush-head, welcome to the Enterprise," said Picard, extending his hand. Then, thinking better of it, he leaned forward and rubbed noses with the Klingon ambassador.
"Ah, Picard, you are schooled in our ways," said the Ambassador approvingly.
Picard went to his replicator. "Gakh, Earl Grey, hot. Try some, Mr. Ambassador?"
The shaggy doggy man shook his head. "No, I am here on urgent business. Governor Wag of our colony on GooBLA 24 claims that the Federation is providing weapons to rebels fighting the Klingon government."
"Weapons," said Picard, frowning. "The Federation does not usually get involved with things like that. We will have to look into it." Picard raised a dog whistle to his lips, blowing hard.
In a moment, Worf entered. "Mr. Worf, escort the Ambassador to quarters-"
"I would prefer another guide, Captain," said the Ambassador. "Ever since Worf's disaccreditation, no merchant will accept his IOU's and his credit is no longer good with my peoples-"
* * * * *
Geordi stood on a holodeck made up to look like Ten Forward. "Go and kill Chief O'Brien ," said the first Romulan. "Go and kill him, and then share a drink with your friends."
Geordi took a step forward, then stumbled, and stopped.
"Do it!" said the Romulan. He turned to his companion. "This will prove very hard."
"Why?" said the second Romulan. "From what I know, this O'Brien is a very minor character."
"No, not that," said the first Romulan. "Mr LaForge does not like to drink."
"Welcome back Geordi," said Counselor Troi , giving Geordi a long hug. Luckily Geordi had taken a deep breath beforehand, or else he might have suffocated.
"Hello counselor."
"I sense you were with a real woman," said Troi.
"Boy, you never make small talk," Geordi remarked.
"LaForge has been programmed for a series of tasks... to test his programming...."
"Geordi, it's good to see you," said Picard. "How was your trip to Risa? Played any
addictive hologames?"
"Not this time sir," said Geordi. "Women?" Picard inquired.
Geordi shook his head. "Just sat in a corner and read a book."
Picard clasped him on the back. "Just as I would have expected."
Suddenly, Geordi, seeing the Klingon Ambassador, stiffened. "Cock... adoodledoo!" he said.
"What was that?" said Picard, turning around.
"Um.. I said I needed to run a level two diagnostic on the engine matrix," said Geordi.
"Eh? Very well, carry on."
That night... Geordi entered Commander Riker's quarters. He carried a phaser. He didn't want to act, but he was being forced to...
Geordi looked at Riker lying, asleep, in bed. Slowly, he forced himself to raise the phaser, and then... he fired.
The next morning a groggy Riker appeared on the bridge. There was also something funny about his beard. It looked odd, somehow, out of place.
"Numba One?" said Picard.
"Someone stunned me last night," said Riker. "And then they shaved off my beard!"
"What?" said Picard.
"But I see your beard right there," said the Ambassador.
Riker grimaced. "I replicated a new one."
Troi glanced at Riker. "I wasn't going to say anything either, but when I got up this morning I found that all my Counselor uniforms had been altered- two sizes too small."
Data looked up. "When I woke up this morning I noticed that Spot had been vivisectioned all over the floor. Do you think there's any connection...."
"Obviously we have a spy on board," said Riker.
"Or someone with a bad sense of humor," said Worf.
"Shall we go to yellow alert, sir?" said Worf.
"Yellow alert? Isn't that rash, Mr. Worf?" said Picard. "That could lead to red alert, and then where would we be?"
Later, on the planet...
"You lying Federation scum are arming the rebels!" said Governor Wag. "GaBlooieFooie!"
Picard trembled with anger. He slowly lowered his face to Wag's. "Mush...GaplaGorSmutzButzIch!"
"What are these, Klingon curses?" Data asked the Ambassador.
"They are just making no-sense noises," said the Ambassador. "It is the Klingon way."
Later, back on the Enterprise...
"You will kill Governor Wag when he comes aboard," said the Ambassador.
"Yes," said Geordi.
"You will use a phaser to do this act."
"Yes."
"You will claim you did it under Federation orders," said the Ambassador.
"Yes," said Geordi once again.
"You may go," said the Ambassador. "Wait!" Turning, he handed Geordi some dry-cleaning. "Also, see if you can get a little more starch in the collars this time."
Geordi slowly made his way to the cargo bay where Governor Wag was.
Meanwhile, Data was on the ship's computer. "Computer, locate sources of E-Band emissions." "Located. Source could be one of 20,000."
Data grimaced. For an android, he displayed more emotion than Commander Riker, Geordi LaForge, and Avery Brooks combined. "Let us try to reduce the list. Computer, initiate technobabble."
"Affirmative. Theta band emissions resonate on a megahertz frequency of-"
Ten Minutes later...
The computer said, "...therefore, the spy is Geordi LaForge."
"Thank you, Computer." Data touched his communicator. "Mr. Worf, apprehend Mr. LaForge."
"I can't!" came the voice.
"Mr. Worf, I know he is your friend, but he has been brainwashed," said Data, heading for the turbolift. "It's not that! The other Klingons are holding me captive! It's my disaccreditation! They won't let me go until I pay my bills!"
Meanwhile, on the holodeck...
Geordi slowly moved towards Governor Wag. Captain Picard chatted amiably with the good Governor, discussing different recipes for Gahk. Suddenly, Picard felt a shadow over his scalp. Looking up, he saw Geordi's arm, pointing a phaser at Governor Wag! He grabbed for the phaser...
But was too late, grabbing it just after Geordi fired.
"You should have him shot!" Governor Wag glared.
Luckily, Geordi couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a pulse rifle. The Romulans had failed; they had brainwashed the young engineer, but they had neglected to give him remedial rifle training.
"No," said Data. "Geordi is going through an emotional crisis."
"Then he should be locked up!" said Wag.
"It is not his fault," said Data. "We do not lock up criminals in the 24th and a half century." He paused, as if checking a memory bank. "Except smokers."
"Then what will be done?" said Wag.
"He will be confined to quarters until Counselor Troi can counsel him," said Picard.
"This is punishment?" said Wag.
"Have you met Counselor Troi?" asked Data. He changed the subject. "There is still the matter of the other Romulan spy."
"Yes?" said Picard, raising an eyebrow. "Who is it?"
"I have narrowed it down to two suspects, one of which must be carrying a Geordi mind control device," said Data. "Either yourself or Ambassador Mush Head. If you will consent to be searched-"
"I will not!" said the Ambassador. He emptied his pockets. "Look! Nothing in here!"
"That's good enough for me," said Picard, nodding.
Worf approached. "Then will you please strip, sir?"
Picard, stepping behind an equipment crate, quickly shed his clothing. But there was no device.
Data raised an eyebrow. "Sherlock Holmes once said that once you eliminated all possibilities, whatever remained, however unlikely, was a probability. Mr Worf?"
"What are you doing?" said Picard, peering around the crate. The Klingons made catcalls, and Picard, reddening, withdrew.
"Computer," said Worf, standing by the replicator. "Dilithium enema. Galaxy-class size." There was a sparkle and it appeared.
"No Mr. Worf," said Picard, eyeing his approaching security officer.
"We must search everywhere, sir," said Worf.
"I will never consciously permit that," said Picard.
"As you wish, sir," said Worf. Sighing, he drew his phaser, setting it to stun...

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