David Letterman's Top Ten:
...Reasons to be Concerned About the USS Voyager
Top Ten:
...Classes at Starfleet Academy
...April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
...Changes if ST:TNG had Sponsors
...Ways to Shut Up a Non-Trek GF/BF without killing 'em
...Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek
...Bumperstickers for the USS Enterprise
...Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command of the Enterprise
Trek Lists:
Top 20 Uses for Data's Detached Head
Surefire Signs That Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life
20 Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
25 Ways to Tell if your Starship Captain is a Redneck
The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy
10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will
Die
4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under
Time Pressure
1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it
The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make
chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled
voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children
and no adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24
hours more growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment
fields are collapsing"
The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation
Express transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get
there instantly"
9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi,
the choice of the Next Generation
8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed"
sign
2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for
using AT&T"
1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
Top Ten Ways to Shut up a Non-Trek Girlfriend (or BF) Without
Killing Her (Him)
10) Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
9) Vulcan Neck Pinch
8) Have an Android made of her then when she starts speaking tell
her to "Shut Up!" (See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode)
7) Wave Phaser in her face and tell her you will stun her with
it.
6) Use transporter to split her into two seperate personalities.
Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep Good Girlfriend. (See, "The
Enemy Within" - TOS episode)
5) Tell her you're watching the episode where Picard gets naked.
4) Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver
3) Try, "Computer - End Program"
2) Tell her she's in violation of the Prime Directive and she
is interfering with a lesser developed civilization.
1) Borg her.
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played
the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk
and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers
of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star
Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates
you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S Enterprise
10) "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9) "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about
it"
8) "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7) "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6) "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5) "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4) "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit
too close?"
3) "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2) "We brake for cubes!"
1) "Wesley On Board!"
Top Ten Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command
of the Enterprise
10) Troi would not comprehend their emotions: "Captain,
I sense...whoo! whoo! ...You numbskull.... Why, I oughta..."
9) Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him "Fat
Boy."
8) Transporter. Cream pie. You get the picture.
7) Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security
unable to leave their deck.
6) Larry, Moe and Curly have already been where no man has been
before.
5) The enterprise crew will be mesmerized by Curly as he does
the curly shuffle, and Moe and Larry will take control of the
enterprise.
4) Wesley won't be there to save the Enterprise in the last few
minutes with something he learned in science class.
3) Picard doesn't know the block.
2) If Curly can take a lead pipe to the head, he's just going
to laugh at a phaser on stun.
1) Any stooge can outrun Enterprise security.
Top 20 Uses for Data's Detached Head
20) Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19) The ball in Parisis' Squares
18) Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17) Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16) Scare blind students in Braille class
15) Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14) Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13) Footstool for Captain's chair
12) entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11) Scare Alexander into doing chores
10) Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9) Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
8) Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead"
in research
7) Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6) Two words: tether ball
5) Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4) Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3) Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2) Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
1) Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his
life insurance policy
Surefire Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life:
1) Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2) Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
and tritanium
3) Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence
without excessive thought first
4) More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5) Have figured out the stardate system
6) Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7) Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8) The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9) Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible,
and "The Omega Glory"
10) Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11) Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12) Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13) Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14) Understanding Klingon
15) Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16) Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17) "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of
writing and dramatic stylistics
18) Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
sequences in ST:TMP
19) Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20) More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a
type it has encountered several times before.
2) The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists,
who are all perfectly alright.
3) Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4) The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form,
which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form
wearing a funny hat.
5) The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague,
for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
6) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which ismade a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7) The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place
to another without a serious incident.
8) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
to bring the right leads.
9) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed
as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.
10) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12) The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise"
where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is
soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise,
but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal
with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience
which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he
visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of
the episode.
16) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
17) The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy
genius Wesley Crusher .
18) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being
a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends
of his own age for a change.
19) Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for
not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one
in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20) Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
25 Ways to Tell if your Starship Captain is a Redneck
submitted by Beamemup
1) Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
2) He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
3) You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."
4) He refers to Klingons as "Critters."
5) He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns."
6) He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and
aluminum foil.
7) He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
8) He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of
"open hailing frequencies."
9) He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen.
10) He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
11) He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack
above it.
12) He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage."
13) He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
14) He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."
15) He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."
16) He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip
greens.
17) He paints the starship John Deere green.
18) He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."
19) He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp."
20) His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
21) He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen."
22) His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
23) He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
24) His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba
after a meal of beans and weenies.
25) He sets phaser to "Cajun."
The music you are hearing now is the theme from Star Trek: Generations. To download this midi file, click here.
