Preview of Death

A matter of seconds but you cover a lot of time. Unfamiliar feeling--naturally never felt like this before. This is different. Scared? sure a little. Was in bathroom--strange feeling in side--no pain--don't let on--no use worrying wife about anything--soon wear off maybe. 3 seconds later since feeling in opposite side--something definitely wrong and falling. How many times have I thought passively of this time? Happens often to other people. Prayed? some. Often said God have mercy on me a sinner. Some when in church---occasionally other times. This time different--like child would say oh mother!!! The house is on fire or Oh Daddy!! please don't drown my kitty. Falling--Oh!---God---have mercy on me. Fleeting thought of goodbye-ing. A little unfair taking me at this time --right in the middle of life--family needs me. So many things I was going to do. Always wanted to make a retreat--What am I asking of God--mercy-mercy to let me live long enough to be ready--mercy on me now--Too many so called good things done mechanically. Sometimes couldn't work up sorrow for sins in confession. Really wanted to fulfill all necessary things to be in God's grace in receiving communion. (illegible) thing of real importance. Only one thing important now. So much time standing or sitting--so little time on knees. God gave me plenty of time--all my fault--God will be just --wants me--I must be worthy--can't deserve Heaven--can only do my best--can't kick on Purgatory---God would be merciful if I make that. Never done enough to deserve anything. God always good to me. Heaven will have to come from God's mercy and love- I can never merit Heaven.